Thursday, February 24, 2011


Father Justin canceled matins and the liturgy, so I am relieved and disappointed at the same time.  And with that relief and disappointment come some emotions that I’ve been unconsciously holding in check all day; trying to prepare myself for all of that reading.
Well, it’s canceled now, and I find myself kind of floundering, now that the upcoming excitement is suddenly dissipated.  I feel depressed and excited and happy and sad all at the same time.  It’s weird.  I especially think of Leah at times of confusion, like now.  I don’t know if that’s a bad thing, because I already miss her, and missing her more is what… bad?  I don’t know.  But thinking and dwelling on it only makes me miss her more.
I think I’ll be ok, although I don’t want to admit that.  I don’t want to actually know that life is possible without her – that happiness is possible without her – but it is.  It’s just my pride that stops me from accepting that.  The WANT part of me.  I know I’ll be ok, but isn’t it weird that, even knowing that, I still don’t want to accept it?  Isn’t pride stupid?  That I’d think to myself, ‘I want her, so I’d rather be miserable wanting her and not having her, instead of being happy knowing that God is all I need’.  Isn’t that retarded?
Anywho.  This is my life and this is what I feel at the moment, so I write it down.  That’s my excuse.  I’m sure I’ll look back on all of this someday and either laugh or cry.  In the meantime, I don’t want to sing beautiful, I just want to sing true.

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