Thursday, April 21, 2011

My Amazing Superpowers

Tonight I was a hero! Oh yes, a real, bona-fide hero. With superpowers and everything! Allow me to elucidate.

Tonight I was scrunched down behind the counter, counting cigarette cartons for the end of the shift, when I heard Brittney talking with someone who was describing a problem she was having with her gas cap. Apparently this person had just gotten a new gas tank installed in her car, and a newfangled gas cap with a built in lock had come with it. She was having trouble getting it unlocked, and was asking Brittney if she knew anything about how to do it.

Brittney turned to me and said, "Do you know anything about how to open a locked gas cap that won't unlock?" Well, of course I didn't, but I stood up smartly, straightened my shirt, and said to the girl, "I'll come outside and have a look at it, see what I can do." I walked around the counter purposefully and followed the girl outside.

Now, this wasn't just any ordinary girl. This girl was just stunningly gorgeous. Man, what a beautiful girl! A true damsel in distress. And there I was, the manly man, going out to help this hapless victim of circumstance with her befuddling mechanical problem, as only a man could. I strode out towards her car, exuding competence, absolutely sure I wasn't going to be able to do a damn thing.

We arrived at her car and she showed me the gas cap. It wasn't just the little door that flips open that had a lock installed, as I was expecting... it was the actual cap which screws down to seal the gas tank, and there was a lock built into the thing, with a key hole smack dab in the middle of it. I considered this bizarre turn of events. I had been fully prepared to ask her if there was a little lever on the floor next to the drivers seat that could be pulled up which would release the little door that closed over the gas cap, but I knew that couldn't apply to a screw on gas cap with a built-in lock.

"Is there a little lever you can pull up, on the floor next to the drivers seat, which will release the gas cap?" I asked with calm authority. "Let me check," replied this true specimen of exquisite beauty. As she went around to the front of the car, I fiddled idly with the gas cap. I gave it a test twist, just to see if it would come loose, but not really expecting anything. Surprisingly, it did. I twisted some more. It loosened some more. I twisted and twisted, and just like that, easy as pie, the gas cap came right off.

The heart-breakingly beautiful girl popped her head up over the roof of the car on the drivers side and said, "There's not a little lever there. Do you -" I held up the cap for her to see and basked in the knowledge of having performed the impossible. As I expected, her eyes opened wide in amazement. "How... how did you do that?" she stammered in disbelief. "Oh, I just have magic fingers, I guess," I said with the kind of confidence which can only be achieved by one in the possession of extraordinary super powers. She gazed at me adoringly, and I knew she had just fallen for me, hard. She was in love with me. Irrevocably. I knew it could never be, however, for although she was beautiful and had a cool car, we were from two different worlds. She'd never understand my superpowers, and I'd never be able to explain things to her like how to unlock a car door with a tennis ball.

I gave her a wistful smile and a wink, turned around, and without a backward glance I walked away. I would have disappeared into the sunset if the store hadn't been in front of me, and if I'd been facing 90 degrees to the right. Her sobs faded into the distance and abruptly cut off as I entered the store and the door closed behind me. When I turned around to look, she was gone...

Ok, I made up the part about the sobbing, but everything else happened exactly as I described it. And the smile and the wink, I made that part up too. I do think she was in love with me though.

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