Saturday, June 4, 2011
I discovered an important truth tonight at confession. It was like an epiphany, the way things suddenly became so clear. I've realized that I'm under constant attack from without now, and have been ever since I was Baptized. Before, the enemy had no reason to devote any resources towards me because he had control of my heart, from the inside. I was blissfully unaware, which is how he wanted me. Things are hard now, though. I miss it being easy. I miss being territory occupied by the enemy. And I almost really fucked up in thinking that way. I realized tonight that the reason why I'm so frikin confused and emotionally unstable and guilt ridden is because I'm constantly engaged in the vicious angry battle of spiritual warfare. I'm fighting things now, like anger and self pity and the temptation of vices and passions, that I used to allow to control me. And I'm not too good at it yet, which is why some parts of my life are such a royal clusterfuck. Fr. Justin said the fact that I'm an emotional wreck is direct proof that the enemy isn't having his undisputed way with me anymore. Realizing that makes me feel a little better about the collateral damage others have suffered as a result. I'm a newborn infant, and I don't know jack shit yet about fighting the enemy, other than to just struggle wildly and throw blind punches. Fr. Justin said when I was Baptized that the enemy was evicted from my heart, and that God is in my heart now, and that He will help me if I ask, and that I'll get stronger, and that the enemy will have less and less control and influence, and that I'll get better at spiritual warfare, and that I won't always be making such a mess of things, and that there is hope.