I wrote the other day about being stuck. Well, that's certainly true, I'm stuck for sure. It's a problem, and a tough one.
A few of years ago I had the first inkling of a feeling of an urge to become a monastic. It was back during the summer of '09, when I was talking to someone who was telling me how they would like to visit a monastery. It was a very tiny little realization of a thought, but it was definitely there; that first hint of a desire to become a monk. Later that year, while I was attending a vespers service in Tyler - it was October of '09 - I had another epiphany, and for a while after that, I recognized that old feeling again, but this time it was a desire to become a priest, or a deacon, or something. A reader, maybe... I'm pretty sure I'd like to be tonsured as a reader, at least. Anyway, that was back when I thought I was going to be married soon, but since that relationship ended back in April of '10, I've thought more and more about moving to a monastery to see if that kind of life suited me. The feeling that I should become a priest has subsided a lot. I don't
think I'd make a very good one, but what the heck do I know? The urge
to move towards monasticism, however... that one has been growing for
the past three years. I've prayed often
for God to make this feeling stronger and more clear in me if it was
His will that I should become a monk.
Lately the desire to check out a monastery has been growing, becoming stronger and stronger. There are times when I'm absolutely sure that's what I want to do, to become a monk and live a simple solitary life saying the Jesus Prayer constantly. Maybe even a hermit. The problem is, I'm stuck. I'm an addict... I'm addicted to drugs, alcohol, caffeine, food, comfort, and everything else material. If I could just get rid of my need for substances though... if I could just eradicate that from my life, there would be no obstacle that I would feel that I couldn't overcome which would stop me from just moving to a monastery flat out and abandoning society. It's the addiction that is the clincher. It's a problem, and a tough one.
If I could just get out from under this problem, I think everything would be ok.