Monday, September 17, 2012
Do you just ever feel really bad? Really really bad? Just bad? I feel like that now. Bad. I feel bad. There's an underlying wrongness in my life, with me. I hate it. I'm ashamed that I still feel heartache. A real man would have gotten over it by now. I feel yucky because I'll never not be an addict. I'll always always always have that thing in my brain, my soul, my self saying that you need drugs to be worthwhile. To be normal, like everybody else. Isn't that ironic. I just feel bad. I was thinking, earlier today, when I was joking and playing around with my sister, that I felt perfectly normal and happy. Doing normal stuff with people I love. Just living a normal day. But behind it, at the same time, I thought as all that normal happy stuff was happening... I thought, this is just a facade, not the foundation. This sucks. I'm normally able to ignore this bad bad, but that's all it is. Ignoring it, because it doesn't really ever go away. It taints everything.