Saturday, April 9, 2016

New York Schwa

I just realized something pretty dadgum stupid. You know how, um... how to explain it...

Like, a New York accent. Imagine somebody saying 'shirt'. It would sound kinda like 'shureet', with the 'uree' all kinda on top of itself and falling out as one sound, like saying 'uhhee' at the top of your throat with the back of your tongue.
See what I mean? There ain't no phonetic representation of that sound. No letter or combination of letters to express it. You have to waste five minutes of precious life just trying to explain it.
What is that anyway? Howcome there ain't a letter for that? I mean, there's a schwa for some kind of sound that nobody cares about, howcome there ain't one for that?
Well, I'll invent one then. That's a New York schwa.

I wasn't born, I was enrolled.

I was scrolling down my face book thing wallago, and man, that takes forever... and anyway, I get ALL the way down to March 25th, 1971, and you'd think that it would say, 'this guy got borned today'... but nooooo! It says, 'March 25th, 1971. Started school at Starfleet Academy'.

Star Bores - The Gritty Reboot

I watched the new Star Bores movie tonight. Wow! That was the best remake I've ever seen! Holy cow! They even had all of the same actors playing the same characters! Ham Yoyo, Princess Laidup, Creepio, Barstool, Chew-bacco, Lube Guystalker, Garth Gaydar (an albeit melted one), and even Oldie Von Moldie! Super cool!

I thought it was great how this movie followed the original movie EXACTLY, with the poor kid on Tattooine scratching out a living, and then escaping in the Aluminum Beercan in the nick of time with this fat dreidel that has the secret hologram in its SD card, just like Barstool in the original Star Bores!

Then there was that part where the stormtrooper rescued that other guy, what's his face... who was that, anyway? I thought the Saarlac got him. Anyway, that happened, then the helmet comes off, and SURPRISE, I'm here to rescue you, and I have your dreidel, plus I also got this hella fine chick! Let's go!

Then Ham Yoyo gets killed at the Death Star Planet, just like Oldie Von Moldie in the first one, and everybody got pissed off, and a bunch of  innocent stormtroopers got blasted on the way out! Awesome!

Oh yeah, and the Death Star Planet blew up a planet with the Death Ray. A bunch of planets. I thought that was going a little overboard, but whatever.

Then after all that stuff happens, there's this countdown that Death Thing has to wait for before it can blow up the... rebels? Rabble rousers? Resistance! That's it. So the resistance blows up the Death Star instead, because it had this secret vulnerable spot right there on the surface, and it wasn't just two meters... that dadgum thing was like, a gazillion times bigger than a womprat! So some x-wings fly down the trench and blow up the whole damn thing in the nick of time! Wow, I never even saw that coming!

There was even a party in this cantina bar thing, and a big ugly emperor hologram thing, and a Garth Gaydar type dude who got seduced by the dork side of the farce, just like that other guy from the other movie! SUPER COOL!

The one thing that really surprised me was when Oldie Von Moldie showed up at the end! I can't believe that guys still alive, man! Plus, didn't he already get the sword put to him by Gaydar in Star Bores, part 4?

Anyway. Great gritty reboot of Star Bores!

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

The language of the wind

I just thought of something amazing. Check it out. Consider this:

It's windy tonight. Normally I hate the wind. I curse it! It's cold. If it ain't cold, then it's blowing my hair everywhere. If it ain't blowing my hair everywhere, it's touching my skin. If it ain't touching my skin, it's blowing all of the trash out of the parking lot, so that I don't have an excuse to go outside and sweep so that I can smoke. If it ain't blowing all of the trash out of the parking lot, it's blowing out my lighter so that I can't even light my cigarette. If it ain't doing any of those things, then it's probably bothering somebody else, somewhere. Wind. Stupid, buttheaded wind! Right?

Check it out though... and I only just realized this, about half an our ago, the thing with wind. See, the thing with wind, is...

First, you know trees? Wind blows trees every which way. We all know that, but what happened tonight was... and I'm being totally serious... I'm not even trying to be funny. What happened tonight, about half an hour ago was this.

I was sitting in my compartment after work, just sitting there with the lights out and the door open, trying to air the place out. A tiny space like my compartment gets stinky with cigarette smoke and scorched vegetable oil and heaps and heaps of neglected laundry and stacks of dishes and skid marked underwear and a bathroom nook that was designed without a door and a commode that wasn't designed to process the sheer volume of 32 craps a day after a month of remission, and the good intentions of Febreeze can only go so far...

... and as I was sitting there, just kind of existing as a thing, I could hear the wind blowing outside. I thought it was my ceiling fan at first, but then I saw the tree leaves blowing on the trees. I thought...

'That's pretty damn cool, those tree leaves blowing, and the sound they make.'

I wanted to go out into them and hear them up close, so I went outside (after buttoning up the compartment) and after I got out there, I saw this tree across the street. Man, it was blowing up a storm with its leaves, just going all over the place, like some insane, gesticulating kind of sign language of the vegetable kind, like it was a genuine frikin' emergency! ALL LEAFY GREEN WOODEN THINGS, LOOK AT ME, LOOK OVER HERE, THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT!!!

That's what that tree was saying, in wind language. And I understood, at that moment, about the wind. And the trees. And everything that those things are inside of... that the wind is, that the blowing winds are the nerve impulses of an immense, slow motion alive thing, and the trees are the hands, the vocal cords, the contracting irises, the vibrating tympanum, the muscles which receive the impulses, of this alive thing, and then I thought...

What the heck am I? Holy shit, I'm a part of it... And it was less of a question, and more of just a curious musing of how awesome it was.

My immediate peril


This has happened before, what I'm about to describe, and it serves to demonstrate my immediate peril. My life, that is. Danger Wil Robinson! DANGER, YOU STUPID KNUCKLEHEAD!

What happened before was this:

About a year ago, I had clocked out from work, and I had just about made it to the curb when I almost turned myself inside out, screaming inside of my head:


I went cacadoodypoopoo crazy for almost an hour looking for that dadgum phone, and I'd just about driven the guys on third shift bananas going on and on and on with all of my goings on about it. Every time I'd come frantically pinwheeling back into the store, screaming about the stupid thing, they'd go:


Everybody almost had a stroke that night. Then what happened was this loud, smelly fart sound with the wha-wha-wha-wha-WHAAAAAAAAAAA....!!! trombone thing that signifyies the announcement of the stupid loser. Here he is, the moron, the dumbass, the guy with the minus 4000 IQ, in the flesh. And that's when I discovered the phone, plugged up and charging, just where I'd left it, on purpose.

That whole thing just happened again tonight.

See, what worries me is this... One day this scenario will play out, YET AGAIN... only next time when it does, I'll DIE!!!

Because it won't be my phone I've misplaced, it'll be my DIALYSIS MACHINE!!!