Friday, October 12, 2007

The Science of Fart Eating

I have always been intrigued by the concept of fart eating, ever since reading Orson Scott Card’s novel, 'Enders Game', in which the term is used frequently amongst the adolescent populace of the near future. Based on this odd yet widely accepted vernacular, I can only assume that in the future the eating farts must be a commonplace occurrence; apparently the result of extreme technological advances. Which brings me to my thesis - how would one actually go about the eating of a fart, if one were inclined to do so? I do not refer to the simple process of inhalation. When breathing air which has been recently perforated by a fart, almost certainly some trace fumes do make their way into the stomach. However, simply breathing fart vapors can hardly be classified as bona-fide consumption, just as the regular, uncontaminated air we gormandize so regularly is not considered to be the actual gastrointestinal digestion of said noble and volatile gases. In essence, a fart could only be considered well and truly eaten if the majority of molecules which comprise the fart, via a process of voluntary muscular contraction, are passed into the stomach and are then verily digested. Thus, we have established parameters with which to describe the phenomenon of fart eating. So armed, we shall now explore the actual plausibility of fart eating.

First and foremost, one must pose the question of how one actually would go about the eating of a fart, as stated in my thesis. Is it possible to actually consume a gas as one does a solid? Generally, the consumption of solid matter is referred to as eating. However, the consumption of liquid matter is referred to as drinking. Should we then invent a brand new term for the consumption of a gas? Some may interject at this point... but we already have a term which describes the consumption of gas! It's called breathing, or inhaling! And then they would stand unabashed and prideful, bathing in their own self assurance that this dilemma has be well and truly quashed. However, I must now shatter that self assurance with the cold, hard hammer of logic, as I will now elucidate. It has already been determined that breathing or inhaling vapors does NOT constitute genuine consumption, as the majority of said vapors are bound for the lungs, NOT the stomach and intestinal system. So for now, we shall continue under the precept that farts are imminently edible, and no new terms must be invented to describe the process of consumption. However, we will leave this possibility open for later discussion.

Secondly, one might then determine that if we cannot immediately consume a fart in its natural gaseous state, couldn't we somehow compress the fart into a solid? After all, a fart is merely a collection of molecules, comprised of base atoms, which instead of standing immobile against one another are freely bouncing off of each other in a chaotic fashion. Should it not be possible then to organize these molecules into a coherent and solid structure? One must invoke some basic physical properties in order to pursue this line of thought. Let us consider the system of thermodynamics, which describes the movement of energy and how energy instills movement. Since a fart is comprised of relatively fast moving atoms (as are all gases), the friction caused by this movement naturally generates heat energy. After all, a fart is imminently warm upon immediate expulsion from the sphincter diaphragm, a fact which is easily demonstrable by anyone with a moderate case of digestive effluvium. Now... if we were to slow down this movement using some as yet undeveloped technological process and compress the actual fart atoms into a stable, solid structure (bypassing the liquid phase completely, a process known as reverse sublimation), we would thusly wind up with a superdense collection of frigid fart molecules. Hardly an edible sample, as a simple teaspoon of distilled solid fart would weigh several tons and would flash freeze your tongue upon contact. This is assuming that somehow an unstable mass of solidified fart molecules were able to retain a coherent structure without flying apart with the explosive force of several hundred tons of TNT. Besides, the point is moot because we currently lack the required technology. We must consider another avenue.

Thirdly. What about forcing a fart down the throat and immediately into the stomach via some pneumatic device? While this could, in theory, result in the deposition of the majority of fart molecules into the stomach, could one actually define this as eating? Consider. When an invalid is being force-fed with a tube, can it really be said that the invalid is engaging actively in the process of eating? Based on the parameters which we defined earlier, in order for a fart to be eaten, active swallowing (voluntary muscular contraction) must occur. When air is forced artificially into the stomach, the swallowing process is completely bypassed. Although it would be plausible to consider the pneumatically aided consumption of farts as 'fart force feeding', we could not use this process as a method for bona fide fart eating.

Finally, let us consider the origin of the fart. What is a fart? Effectively, it is fecal matter in gaseous form. Tiny little molecules of feces which are floating around, bouncing off of each other and other various air molecules. It may not be pleasant to contemplate, but the process of smelling a fart is the simple inhalation of pure, unrefined solid human waste. But wait, didn't we just describe the inherent difficulties of the conversion of a fart into a sold structure? And considering the futility of such an attempt, how is it then that a fart might at some point be solid? Simply. First, a fart is the result of the slow sublimation of feces (sublimation being the direct conversion of a solid, without a liquid interim, into a gas). Secondly, as we demonstrated earlier, because of the fundamental properties of thermal dynamics, a fast moving collection of fart molecules can only be rendered back into a solid form through the process of reverse sublimation. It takes far more energy to reverse the effects of entropy (the natural process through which an orderly collection of organic molecules matter loses it’s cohesion, resulting in a more chaotic state) than to invoke an artificial state of order (reorganizing chaotic particles into a cohesive whole). Thus, the reorganization of a fart back into its corporeal fecal form would require the harnessing of vast amounts of energy. Currently, these required energy levels can only be produced in the Large Hadron Collider by slamming atoms of gold together at 99.999 % of the speed of light. However, in order to accelerate actual fecal molecules to that speed, one would need a particle accelerator with a diameter equal to the orbit of Pluto.

In conclusion, we are left with what seems at first to be an extremely undesirable yet unavoidable denouement - that fart eating might only be possible by the direct consumption of solid feces. In this manner, as the pre-digested material passes once more through the intestinal tract, it may once again sublimate into gaseous form. Although somewhat of an indirect method, it will result in the eventual deposition of farts in the digestive system, which was the intended result. Luckily, such an extremely unpleasant and unpalatable method is completely unnecessary. By applying the simple logic which was just so unpleasantly demonstrated, we can now conclude that the consumption of any type of food, especially beans and broccoli, can be construed as fart eating, since the inevitable result is that such food will eventually, through the process of digestion, become a fart or farts. We can now safely refer to all edible material as farts, and the act of eating can now be referred to as farting.