Do these things.

1.  Pray first thing in the morning and maintain a rule of prayer.
2.  Instead of wasting time online, read the Bible every day.
3.  Say the Jesus Prayer every time you think of it during the day.
4.  Make the decision constantly NOT to indulge in passions, even when you fail.
5.  Remember your faith in God and always remember that He has a plan for you.
6.  Be constantly mindful to offend no one.
7.  Love selflessly, always.
8.  Always maintain a vigilant defense against the enemy, for you will often be under full attack.
9.  If someone offends you or irritates you or challenges your pride, prostrate yourself before them.
10.  Pray immediately upon feeling anger, self, pity and pride, thanking God and asking forgiveness.
11.  Thank God for all situations, good and bad, knowing that all is according to His will.
12.  Be a ministry for God in all you say and do.

Knowing God's will

Lately I've been preoccupied with the desire to know God's will for me. A friend once told me, before my time started with the church, that I was letting myself be distracted with ideas like 'proof' and 'evidence'. I think this might turn out to be a recurring issue for me; this tendency I have to become distracted along the Way. In an effort to clear away the cobwebs, I've isolated a few items which I can be positive are God's will for me:

God wants me to learn humility.
God wants me to vanquish my pride.
God wants me to learn forgiveness.
God wants me to learn patience.
God wants me to be a worthy vessel for His Holy Spirit.
God wants me to pray ceaselessly.
God wants me to be a ministry for Him in my daily life with everyone I encounter.
God wants that I should not cause harm to or offend anyone.

Of course, I still don't know if His will is for me to be married, or to become a priest, or a monk, or to be the first piano player on Mars. Maybe I should just stop trying to figure it out.

Cheese week.

Well, I've failed the first two days of clean week.  I've effectively eaten an entire bottle of parmesan cheese, all by itself.  But I've been good otherwise.

I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo... and that poor lady.

So I'm at work, lurking behind the dumpster and smoking a cigarette, saying "Woe to you O Earth and sea, for the devil sends the beast with wrath, for he knows the time is short. Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number. It's number is six hundred and sixty six," in my deepest, evilest British voice. You know, just being generally creepy, when I came around the corner and there was this lady standing there. Well, I paused mid-growl and she looked at me with fear stricken eyes for just a second, and then I smiled and she smiled and we looked at each other for another couple of seconds in awkward silence. Then she recognized my signature ShmelvinElvin shirt and came to. Apparently she also recognized authority when she saw it, because she motioned to her car, which was all wrecked to crap on one side, and asked me to please notify the driver of the Coca Cola delivery truck, which she had backed into, and which wasn't damaged at all. Well, I had to call the cops and it was just a big mess, and that poor lady. Just, her car was all smooshed, and well, crap. Bad luck. That poor lady.

Conversations at work

lil’ Steve:  Hey, you back from singing?

Me:  Yeah, all done.

lil’ Steve:  Did you go eat ice cream?

Me:  Uh… yeah.

lil’ Steve:  Did you get attacked by mormons?

Me:  Nah, there weren’t any.

lil’ Steve:  Was she there?

Me:  Uh… yeah.

lil’ Steve:  Is that why you left early?

Me:  … Nah, I just didn’t have any money.

lil’ Steve:  She was in here the other day with this tall guy with tattoos.

Me:  Uh…

lil’ Steve:  Was that the guy?

Me:  … fuck.

lil’ Steve:  You’re better looking than him!

———————————————————

Brittney:  What happened to your hand?

Me:  So, I was walking along and reading, and I tripped and fell.

Brittney:  What were you reading?

Me:  My prayer book.  Funny thing though…

Brittney:  What?

Me:  I was angry when I was praying, and I tripped and fell.  I think that’s God slapping me upside the head, it’s happened before.

Brittney:  Why were you angry?

Me:  Because I invited her back into my life, but I still feel pain.  It didn’t get any better, I feel pain either way… either I’m feeling guilty or heartbroken, usually both though.  I think it’s better this way though, because I felt worse trying to shut her out.

Brittney:  I know, I’ve gone through the same thing.  I think some people weren’t meant to be bad.

———————————————————

Brittney:  That girl you just checked, I think she was in Jet, the video of the month.

Me:  Oh, the one that was just here?

Brittney:  Yeah, I think I remember her.  Do you know what I’m talking about, the video special?

Me:  Well, not really, but I think I have an idea.  She was in Jet magazine, right?

Brittney:  Yeah, the video of the month.  You know what I’m talking about?

Me:  Well, yeah, sure.  I mean, not really, but yeah, I don’t read Jet, but I think I have an idea.  Wow, I just talked to a celebrity then?

Brittney:  Yeah, kind of, I guess.

Me:  Oh, I hope she shows up again.  Next time she’s here, I’ll say to her, ‘Hey, I saw you in Jet magazine’.  She’ll say, ‘No way, really?  You?’  I’ll say, ‘Yeah sure, I read Jet.’  She’ll say, ‘No way!’  I’ll say, ‘What, you think I don’t read Jet?  Why, because I’m white?  Is that it?’

Brittney:  You’re funny.

———————————————————

Chiy:  What happen your hand?

Me:  I fell, nose deep in a book.

Chiy:  You have to watch out, be careful.  You think you invincible?  Car drive by, hit you!

Me:  Yeah, I know, it’s happened before, way worse than this.

Chiy:  You walk up to street, you have to look both way!

Me:  Yeah, but when you live my life, you have to take those risks.

Chiy:  But you get hit by a car, you don’t have life anymore!

Me:  Well, I guess…

Chiy:  You need to look both way before you cross street!  Keep your head out of the book!

Me:  Well, I’m usually pretty careful…

Chiy:  You can’t get sick, who I get to work?  You feeling ok?  You not sick are you?

Me:  No Chiy, I’m ok, I just fell.

Chiy:  You don’t get sick, ok?  You see doctor!  You be careful!

Me:  Ok Chiy, I’ll be more careful.

Things that crack me up at church if I dwell on them

WISDOM!  Let us pretend...

God grant us many hairs...
God grant us many beers...
God grant us mini-bears...

The holy magnifying glasses held by the servers standing on either side of the priest

A loud fart right in the middle of the Epistle reading at liturgy

Stop looking at my butt when I venerate the icons!

Demons in the floor, demons in the floor, don't look at them... gonna get me... don't look at them...

...to be continued...

Loud noises

I just realized that the noise of the gunshot is responsible for a lot of the death that results from the actual gun.  Think about this... the situation is tense.  The crazy insane guy has the hostage.  The SWAT team is about to bust in, and the negotiator is talking frantically, begging the chief to hold off on full breach, to give him some more time.  Then, suddenly, A GUNSHOT!  LOUD!  OW MY EARS!  WHO FIRED?  Who was it, the crazy insane guy, or one of the SWAT guys, or was it he hero who is going against orders, trying to save the day?  Well, whoeverthehell it was doesn't matter, because now everybody is shooting like lunatics and everybody dies.  All because of the noise of one gun going off.  Now, what if the gun had gone off, but nobody heard it?  It doesn't matter who fired the shot or what happened as a result.  Maybe somebody dropped dead, or maybe a window got broken.  Neither of those would be very loud... the noise of a body hitting the floor, a medium sized sound of the bullet going through glass.  Most likely nobody would notice for a few seconds, and when they did, they would be more confused than anything.  That would produce the element of time needed for people to react.  To think, and to realize that maybe a gun had gone off.  Probably they wouldn't just reflexively hammer down on their triggers and send bullets whizzing all over the place.  It's likely that things would turn out with a few less dead bodies if the noise of the gun going off hadn't spooked everybody like cattle.

This can be applied to war situations too.  Imagine tanks and machine guns and missiles and all of those things that make loud noises.  What if they were silent?  Scenarios practically erupt from this idea, in which less people get killed because of the absence of instinctual panic that loud noises create.

I guess my point is this.  Loud noises make people nervous.