Thinking

I was thinking tonight on the walk home, about how the universe is like a grid, and is twisted up where gravity is. Tightened, you know, into a more dense place, where the grid lines are closer together. Planets and stars and things, and people too. Anything with mass. Then I thought, that's what people are, and alive things. Twisted up parts of space-time that are where the life is. And especially twisted up, especially dense parts, are people, the conscious alive things. The aware things. And then I thought, that hurts, that twisted up-ness. Why should that hurt? But it does. Being alive hurts. Why should that be the case? It's a natural part of the universe, that twisting up dense-ness, which the alive-ness is. But naturally it hurts. Why? Why should that be part of the natural order of things, the pain? Or is it just me?

this chance

I often wonder why I've been given this chance, when many people more deserving than myself have met such tragic ends, lost and strangers to God. I mean, I used to refer to Christians as semi-evolved simians. I laughed at their willing stupidity, and I enthusiastically viewed them with as much contempt as I could muster, placing them on a level which might as well have been infinitely below my lofty perch of enlightened knowledge. I certainly don't deserve any kind of chance at life and hope, so why do I get one when so many others didn't? What about kids that were just as stupid as me, just as young, just as old, just as confused... and who had just as much chance of possibly coming around as I was given, but they died of stupid drug overdoses, or car wrecks, or asthma attacks, or suicide? Especially the suicides. I'll never ever EVER understand that - why I get this chance, when all of those myriad hundreds and thousands and millions of people, most of whom were far more deserving than I am, never even began to have the chance that was given to me. I don't get it. I mean, real life with hope is possible for me now, when it wasn't before, and I didn't even know it. That's a miracle. I don't understand why I'm part of such a teensy minority that got that, when most people never get the chance.