Short, repeated contractions of the diaphragm, accompanied by vocalizations.

And now, for the funniest word since kumquat.

Absquatulate - to leave abruptly.

Behold, the absquatulate in its natural habitat:

"The fuddy-duddy absquatulated with the kumquats."

Christmas list

Hey everybody!

Here's my Christmas list for this year.

I realize that one or two of these items may be difficult to procure with just five and a half months notice, so I've also listed some acceptable alternatives. On with the list!
.
.
1 Continuum Transfunctioner
or
1 Rubik's Cube
.
.
1 Mr Fusion
or
1.21 gigawatts
.
.
1 Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator
or
1 kilogram of Illudium
.
.
42 Infinite Improbability Drives
or
1 sperm whale/petunia bowl combo
or
6 pints of bitter
.
.
1 Flux Capacitor
or
1 original, 61 year old conceptual sketch of a Flux Capacitor
.
.
A couple of Psycho-frakulators
or
1 Psycho-frakulator
.
.
and
.
.
1 kilogram of magic faerie dust
.
.
or
.
.
1 magic faerie corpse grinder
or
1 Cole & Mason Acrylic Pepper Mill
and
1000 live magic faeries
or
1000 dead magic faeries
.
.
Thanks!

The Bionic Dork

Ash Davis. 45 year old Slurpee Slinger. A man barely alive (obviously).

Gentlemen, we can rebuild... oh never mind. We can't do higgledy piggledy jackity jack crappity crap squatalot on the pot for this moron. We can watch him vicariously, though.

We have the technology. I mean, he has the technology (seems like any dumbass can get hold of it nowadays) because he consistently posts the details of his pathetic existence on public forums, as if  he were trying to... Aw, shitznat. Hey man! That ain't the way you do confession, stupid!

Anyway. We have the capability to watch this idiot (you know, Ash) in his attempt to build some moronic... I mean, bionic boots and become the world's first Bionic Dork, because he's constantly yammering and bragging about it online.

Ash Davis will be that dork. Pretty much dorklier than he ever was before.

Stupider. Dumblier. Weaklier. Slowlier.

Gentleman. The 6 dollars man with a couple of pennies left over that he had to bum from somebody. The Bionic Dork.

Don't worry. Self deprecating humor just means that everything's still limping along just fine at the speed of lump.

Who dat suicidin' up the place?

Yeah, I'm suicidal. I think about how I might be able to kill myself every day. I put myself to sleep at night imaging a gun going off in my mouth, like a lullaby.  I spend about 10-20% of my awake time thinking about death. I'm totally, definitely suicidal. I guess I'm lucky though, because I'm way to afraid to ever, you know. Off myself. The closest I ever came was writing a suicide note that I never delivered, back in 2007. I read it back to myself and realized I was cracking jokes, like... 'I shot myself in the heart so I'd leave a beautiful corpse for an open casket funeral.' I laughed myself out of delivering it, that time.

I don't think I'd ever be able to ix-nay myself if anybody was still around to bear the grief. How selfish could I be? Not that selfish, I hope.

I'm absent from church for a long while now. I think, church never made me happy or solved my problems. I'm miserable at church, and I'm miserable away from church. I know... but I have very little strength of will to ensure those things which aren't imposed on me forcefully, out of immediate necessity. I haven't chosen to live a life which = suffering + church. I know what's right and I know what's wrong, I just don't have the will or the stamina or the strength or the love for myself that is necessary for my to save myself. I want God to grab me in His Fist and squeeeeeze me, forcibly, into the right shape. I've been praying for that for almost ten years, and I don't think it's gonna happen.

I don't know what to do, because any action I take right now will be wrong, because I'll resent the action eventually, because I'm broken and can't act in a right, necessary manner and then understand my actions, if actually were to act.

Yeah, I'm suicidal... but I've always believed that I'd never kill myself simply because I want to. That hasn't changed. I don't think it'll change, I hope not. Nah, I'd never actually do it, not while people still know me and would cry if I were gone. How could I do that... not to me, but to them? I couldn't.