It's like, you know... this thing I've been trying to like, you know... do, for the past two years and stuff, is like... way hard and stuff, and like... you know, it's this God thing, this... you know, religion thing, and I'm not, like... you know, used to it and stuff, and like... I'm not very, like... good at it yet and stuff, and... you know, I don't, like... do what I'm supposed to do so that, like, I can be a good person and stuff, and so I'm kind of, like... you know, sort of bad at it and stuff, but it's like... still, though... it seems like I always, like... have this music going through my head and stuff, of like... the liturgy and stuff, and I, like... hear all of this music in my head all the time now, like... this church music that we sing, and these prayers, and these parts of the Bible, like... Psalms and stuff, and things that are becoming recognizable to me when I read the Bible, and I'm like... WHOA! That's what we sing at church! And it's like... it's starting to become ingrained into my thought patterns, so that a lot of the time, you know... when I actually consciously take notice, I'll realize that the song going through my head is Psalm 103 by Kedrov Jr., or the Trisagion prayer, or the 'Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal' before the Epistle reading. I've, like... sort of... hmmm.
I've noticed lately that I'll wake up with these prayers already going through my head, and that they're a background hum that constantly runs through my mind, comparable to the sound of my fan at night, which soothes me to sleep. For almost three years now I've been going to church at St. Maximus, and I've been singing in the choir for two years, and I've been baptized for a year and a half. Has all that time really gone by? Am I really this invested in Orthodoxy? Is this really, like... you know, REAL? Sometimes I wonder, because every now and then in seems as if all of this which has happened to me is a dream. It's like the sort of dream you have when you're actually sleeping, and also like the kind of dream which means the good things that you imagine might be possible if everything went your way. You know, hopes and dreams. Two types of dreams... the abstract and unreal, mixed with the longing for what is possible... and both are happening at the same time.
Then the reality of being awake and realizing that time is inexorably continuing to pass by slaps me around, which is enough to cause me considerable despair when I confront myself and realize that, in all truthfulness, I've only been going through the motions for the past three years and I haven't even begun to repent, and that when I call myself an Orthodox Christian it's out of pride, and that I'm such a sham and a faker and a self serving creature, unworthy of anything, ANYTHING good in this life, or after. However, even so... I believe, tentatively, that these prayers of the past three years are becoming a natural part of my subconscious activity... I hope. I hope that this is just the beginning, and not the end. That it starts with a change in my thoughts at a subconscious level, and that a change in my actions will follow. Because I'm such a wretched sinner, and it really sucks to think that I'll always be this way. But maybe it just takes time to become somebody different, and to repent. Maybe a change in thought is required first in order for right action to follow, and when that happens, maybe... eventually... maybe I won't fall so short of the mark anymore. At least, not as much. I think that's about the most that I can hope for.
