These sonnets are official, sanctioned, authentic, certified, bona fide, legitimate, homogenized, pasteurized and recognized as ex cathedra, true and valid because they are all Shakespearean stanzas written in iambic pentameter consisting of 14 lines of the rhyme scheme ABAB CDCD EFEF GG.
Splish
My love did give to me a healthy dose
Of rancid sweating nauseating splish
I said my dear this bowl of filth be gross
I wish to throw it out with last nights dish
She said last night of this same splish you ate
And no complaints did I receive from thee
So hold your tongue sir cease your words of hate
And sit ye down and dine on splish with me
So puke I did upon the table spread
No other choice had I but this to do
For splish in me would surely make me dead
A better choice than eating of this brew
But laced with vomit it seemed not so bad
So I did eat it up and I was glad
Food Fight
When man first gazed upon the moon so fair
T'was common to assume it made of cheese
Grand enterprise his mind envisioned there
This wealth of heavens curd so ripe to seize
But lunar folk did view Earth in their sky
And grave designs they planned with no mistake
For just as men saw cheese up there so high
The Lunarites deemed Earth was made of cake
A mighty fight of food did thus prevail
Each coveting the others treasure trove
Until both worlds lay moldy burned and stale
Two crispy crumbs stuck to the cosmic stove
A pity that they had to learn so late
That cheese and cake together tasted great
Pecking Order
While waking from my sleeping bag unfed
I spied a pecking hen with vision keen
T'was busy cramming worms inside its head
So thus engaged my presence went unseen
Inspired by rumbling echoes in my gut
Inside my skull sly visions did congeal
I crept with caution from my fabric hut
And thus with cunning thought I planned my meal
But unaware was I of deeds malign
Designed by forces terrible and grim
Within my body fluids they would find
The means to slake the thirst which quickened them
And so my careful plans were naught to be
For bear and buzzard made a meal of me
March of the Greeblies
There is a silent war which for the most
Remains ignored by folk of certain sway
It starts with scattered crumbs of last weeks toast
And other bits of refuse 'til one day
Strategic points of fuzzy food advance
Across a battlefield of dingy clothes
Neglected rug stains form their forward lance
As ranks of Greeblies order into rows
Conscripted chunks of mold supply the line
Entrenched in mounds of dirty underwear
When suddenly their host attacks in kind
The solvents and the soap he does not spare
But in his haste neglected one small chore
And so the Greeblies lived to march once more
The Smokers (Inspired by Steve Martin)
The smoker sighed and leaned back in his chair
Then lit his cigarette in one fell swoop
A friend arrived with plenty and to spare
And thus they formed a fragrant fledgling group
They smoked and smoked and then they smoked some more
The virtues of the leaf they did decree
Then once again a knocking at the door
Announced another smoker making three
The air became a lung caressing blight
'Til finally they shared their one last pack
With that the guests then bid their host good night
And with a sigh he comfortably leaned back
The last lone smoker turned his head to cough
Took one more puff and then his lips fell off
The Stupid Knight
The Silver Knight stood proudly on the field
This champion of the kingdom standing stern
As one by one his challengers did yield
The Stupid Knight stood waiting for his turn
With mighty voice the Silver Knight then roared
Will any of you dare cross blades with me
The Stupid Knight unsheathed his rusty sword
And cried with all his breath I challenge thee
Before the silver one could ken this foe
The stupid one impaled him through the head
The crowd aghast then beat him helm to toe
For making their beloved champion dead
The gods of war that judged the sorry sight
Declared Here lies one very stupid knight
