Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Logismoi - the thoughts that evolve to sin through the stages of desire, action and passion.

God forgive me for succumbing to the enemy and falling into despair. Help me, strengthen me, make me an instrument of thy will. May I be forgiven for my weakness in letting the enemy corrupt my love. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon me, a miserable sinner.

It's the logismoi that make this so horrible, that trigger the collapse of my composure. They say that logismoi are attacks by the enemy to keep people off balance, to weaken them so that it is harder for God's love to be accepted. Well, that's the damn truth for sure. The dreams are even worse than the waking thoughts, because I can't just stop what I'm dreaming or will the dream to go away. Sometimes when I'm dreaming I will actually believe it's real life, and then I'll wake up so relieved. Maybe all of this is really a dream, and I'll wake up soon. Just a bad dream. A nightmare. I haven't woken up yet though, so either I'm in a coma and I'm having the mother of all dreams, or all of this really is happening. I really am going through this... but it just seems impossible. I still have a hard time believing it sometimes.

I've forgotten what it's like not to hurt constantly, to not have to fight anger that is constantly threatening to surface, to feel like goodness, acceptance and forgiveness are all the characteristics of a natural state of mind. How easily we forget, right? I feel like all of the substance which makes me a good person - all of the qualities which I had learned to trust without question as being integral to my spirit and immune to corruption - I feel like they have all been violently ripped away from me and splashed to the four winds, leaving a festering wound infected with feelings of anger, betrayal, and injustice. I feel all of this, but I know that the enemy is responsible for causing these feelings to surface. I need the cure for this infection... please God, heal this hurt in me. Help me to remember the hope You gave me.

I'm going to East Texas tomorrow to house sit for my mom while she's across country at my cousin's graduation. I'm looking forward to being all by myself, alone, away from familiar things that remind me of the past year and a half. Maybe I can use this time to heal this hurt, to just pray constantly and come to terms somehow with what has been happening, to be able to believe that my love isn't worthless.

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