I think I'm getting an inkling of what I need to do. I need to get away from all of this. I want to do that too. I'm stuck here, though. I feel so very thoroughly fucked. It seems unfair, I'm stuck. Not just a mental thing. I'm STUCK. I feel like I've been handed the key to everything, but the key is red hot, molten, full of painful heat upon heat upon heat. I can live through that, but who can decide to grab hold of something that hot and keep hold of it until it cools down? It's not a matter of just deciding. There are consequences, physical, painful consequences.