Wednesday, October 21, 2015

I'm nuts

I just took this questionnaire online after googling 'why does life always feel like a dream', and the result was 'severe depersonalization'. That's what the dream feeling is. Depersonalization. A result of isolating myself from reality due to severe anxiety.


I'm nuts.

Well, that's not really a surprise, I guess.

What is surprising is that it all started to gain momentum and really become a phenomenon after Jerral died, and that it took a year and a half for me to realize that that's when I stopped going to church... almost immediately after I had learned that Jerral had killed himself.  It wasn't a conscious decision.

My shadow

After only a few years of walking in circles, you'll come to know your own shadow very well. It becomes a recognizable caricature of yourself. A simple description that surprises you, upon realizing just how much of yourself you've invested in it. It's you, undeniably. A dynamic, always shifting outline, describing the motion of your life. It's always colored black, even when it's in full color. It may seem as if essential details are missing, but the motion of the black is rich with representation. Details are superfluous. The outline, the shifting outline of the black, the uniform ingredients of the shadow, the outline, the border of the smooth, unperturbed interior, is all that's important for meaningful identity. If you only take the time, and make the effort to notice... it reacts, to what you're feeling, to the motion of your life, as a picture of your life, through a filter which un-taints the seeing of it. It shifts and stretches, and squashes and fades and disappears, and reappears faithfully, reflecting a picture of yourself for the lower part of your eyes that see what we've forgotten how to remember, and it's always there. You can count on it, even if it's not there. You don't ever have to be afraid. It'll always come back.