Advice

When blowing a candle out, make sure it's not right next to the ash tray.

This nonordinary person

Tonight at work I encountered a customer who performed a very odd ritual before handing over money to buy beer.  Amidst a strange medley of odd jerks and seemingly purposeless 'motioning' with his arms to a nonexistent point of interest, he dug in his pockets and wallet for money.  Upon procuring the money, before he handed it to me, he pet it gently and then kissed it several times, coins and bills alike.  He also mumbled incoherently at odd moments, but this constant mumbling was interspersed with coherent words pertaining to the situation, such as 'thank's and 'oh, ok' and 'goodbye'.  I of course was struck by the strangeness of his behavior, but it was explained to me later by Stephen that this particular person had obsessive compulsive disorder and something like Tourettes syndrome.  Crazy, in other words.

My first reaction to his behavior, which stretched all through the encounter, was a kind of prolonged shock.  After he left, Stephen immediately busted out laughing as he recounted to me my slack jawed reaction to this persons behavior.  Stephen and I shared a laugh as he explained to me what the strange ritual was, that the guy was OCD and was 'kissing his money goodbye'.  Amusement was followed almost immediately by introspective curiosity about what I had just witnessed.  I'm not sure if it was my imagination, but when I made eye contact with him it seemed as though his look was one of pleading apology... or maybe just a plain, barren plea... for something.  He looked at Stephen this way a couple of times too.   And finally... last but not least... I felt sympathy, sadness and remorse for my reflexive and habitual reactions to this nonordinary person.  And shame.  I hope I see him again so I can be nicer to him next time.  Maybe even treat him like a human being.

Now

I feel trapped in the grip of the merciless now.  It seems like now will never end.  The onslaught of the enemy hurts.  Why does it have to be this way?  I hate myself for being so weak, and I hate myself for hating myself.  Please let time pass and bring me to a place somewhere in the future away from here.  God help me, I'm afraid and alone.

It's easy, mmmkay

There are times when you get suckered in
By drugs and alcohol and sex with women
But its when you do these things too much
That you've become an addict and must get back in touch

You can do it, its all up to you mmmkay
With a little plan you can change your life today
You don't have to spend your life addicted to smack
Homeless on the streets giving handjobs for crack

Follow my plan and very soon you will say
Its easy mmmkay!

Step 1:  Instead of ass say buns, like "kiss my buns" or "you're a buns hole"
Step 2:  Instead of shit say poo - "bull poo", "poo head" and "this poo is cold"
Step 3:  With bitch drop the T because bich is Latin for generosity
Step 4:  Don't say fuck any more because fuck is the worst word that you can say

So just use the word 'mmmkay'!

We can do it, its all up to us mmmkay
With a little plan we can change our lives today
We don't have to spend our lives shooting up in the trash
Homeless on the streets giving handjobs for cash

Follow this plan and very soon you will say
Its easy mmmkay!

Step 1:  Instead of ass say buns, like "kiss my buns" or "you're a buns hole"
Step 2:  Instead of shit say poo - "bull poo", "poo head" and "this poo is cold"
Step 3:  With bitch drop the T because bich is Latin for generosity
Step 4:  Don't say fuck any more because fuck is the worst word that you can say

Fuck is the worst word that you can say
You shouldn't say fuck
No you shouldn't say fuck, fuck no!

Your cured, you can go!

Meredith

I don't look up a lot when I'm checking at work, and last Thursday it took me a while to notice somebody standing to the side for a long time while I was checking a line of customers.  I looked up when I saw the person waving at me with my peripheral vision, and there was this cute girl, standing there and waving and smiling.  Even then I didn't recognize her and I kind of just smiled back with this silly grin.

She said, "Don't you remember me?"  I took another look at her and started tripping over my own thoughts... ummm... I know her, I've seen her before, I actually do know her somehow...

"Um um ummm... um um, um um ummm..." I said.  I kept looking at her and saying "um um ummm... um ummm... um, um um... um, ummm..." like a complete retard while quickly tapping the side of my hand into my palm, as if that would help me to remember.

"Meredith!" she said.

"Um um um... Meredith!" I said, one picosecond later, followed by several billion nanoseconds of awkward silence.

"Sure would be a crappy day to lock my keys in the car," she said.  It was raining outside.

DUH!  Ok I remembered her after that.  She had locked her keys in the car about a month ago and we had talked for about half an hour while I was outside cleaning the windows and while she waited for the locksmith.  They had charged her 80 bucks to unlock her car door.  I thought that was highway robbery and I offered to help her pay for it, but she declined, obviously horrified at the prospect.  I knew she'd probably be horrified, but I offered anyway, which was completely inappropriate, I know, but I'm a social retard.  Still, she must not have been completely creeped out because she'd invited me to see her perform in a play that night.  Of course I was working, and she said no prob, come to the one on Friday night.  And I forgot all about it, and I forgot all about her.  I'm a doofus.

I finished with the customer and handed the change to Meredith.  She looked at me like I was retarded, confirming my own suspicion, and said "Why are you handing me the change?"

And like a dunderhead, I said "My mental faculties have been compromised by your beauty and charm."  Then I  went red and graduated to Full Fledged Retard.  I don't remember exactly what happened after that except for thinking to myself, "self, there's a reason why you don't have a girlfriend, and that was it".

Waking up

"The 'natural alarm clock' which enables some people to wake up more or less when they want to is caused by a burst of the stress hormone adrenocorticotropin. Researchers say this reflects an unconscious anticipation of the stress of waking up."

And all this time I thought I was just lucky.  The jokes on me!

http://www.abc.net.au/science/sleep/facts.htm 

Playing chess

I discovered how to play chess tonight with a beer, a snickers, and a half empty pack of cigarettes.  Here's how it goes:

The chessboard consists of the flat area of my desk next to my laptop.  First, unintentionally arrange the snickers so that it occupies the place closest to the laptop.  Then take a drink of the beer and put it down next to the snickers.  The half empty pack of cigarettes should be behind the beer, and partially hidden from view from the vantage point of the chair.

Next, go into the kitchen and put a pot pie in the microwave.  Come back and forget all about how things were arranged and continue watching Starship Troopers.  Take several drinks from the beer and light a cigarette.

When the microwave dings, go get the pot pie.  Come back and arrange a place to the right of the laptop for the pot pie, and then take a drink of the beer.  After you've put the beer back down, fuss over the placement until you've unconsciously moved the beer, snickers, and half empty pack of cigarettes into a new position 120 degrees clockwise to the original settings.  Go for a new cigarette and realize that you still have one smoldering in the ash tray.  The cigarette wins this round.

Stir the pot pie and forget all about the chess game.  Take a bite of the snickers while waiting for the pot pie to cool because you're so hungry.  Take a drink of the beer to wash it down, and realize you're not in the mood for pot pie anymore after the bite of snickers.  Take a drag of the cigarette and remember the game.  Observe where you put the snickers after taking the bite and the beer after taking the drink.  The entire arrangement is now 120 degrees clockwise to the previous setting.  The snickers wins this round.

After forgetting about everything again, take a bite out of the pot pie, discover that it is still too hot, and light a new cigarette.  Watch Starship Troopers for another 8 minutes until you remember the pot pie again.  Pick it up and feel the bottom to see how hot it is, then take another bite and decide that after you've smoked one more cigarette, it should be cool enough.  Put the pot pie down next to the snickers, light a cigarette and smoke it, and completely forget about the pot pie.  After 16 minutes of  watching Starship Troopers, remember the pot pie.  After discovering that it is now a cold soggy mess, note the new arrangement which now includes the pot pie, negating the old 120 degree standard of measurement in favor of the new 90 degree standard.  The pot pie wins this round.

Wonder about this for a while until you have drawn the irrevocable conclusion that not only have you lost the game, but the whole thing is pointless.  Experience an epiphany and decide to blog about it, absolutely positive that the entire experience will translate into an earth shatteringly interesting essay on absolutely nothing.

Publish the blog, read it back to yourself, and realize that you were absolutely right, except for the interesting part.

A dream - prisoner execution

I woke up this morning from a dream that left a musical version of the words "Oh Goddam" running through my head.  These were the last words of the dream character.

The dream character was a sergeant in the army, and he was trying to get two privates to shape up.  He examined their uniforms from top to bottom and was never impressed.  He even found problems with their eyes after close examination.  He peered into the eyes of each soldier, and then dusted them with something irritating.

At that moment their base was invaded by enemy soldiers, and the two privates fled, leaving the sergeant alone in the barracks.  He fled into the head and hid behind a commode.  Two female Japanese soldiers walked in and murmured to each other, until they noticed the sergeant hiding.  They began talking animatedly in that incomprehensible gibberish they use for speech, and then they ran out.  After a few minutes a large, imposing female soldier entered and forced the sergeant out of his hiding place.

She examined him up and down and found him lacking, as he had with the two privates.  She looked closely into his eyes.  She said in English, "They would make good golden ornaments.  Lets shine them up."  She sprayed something in his eyes that caused horrible burning pain, and then produced a cloth and began rubbing them violently.  Then she produced a gun and said, "Well, lets have them."

At that moment, the two privates walked in, dressed in their soldier finery.  They didn't seem to be prisoners, and they watched as the sergeant struggled with the big female Japanese commander.  She was trying to point the gun right between his eyes and he was grappling furiously with her.  The gun went off once, barely missing the sergeants head, and at that moment he began singing those words, over and over.  Then the gun centered on his forehead and went off.  The dream went black and I could hear the fading sounds of the gunshot and a toppling body.

I miss.

I miss Laura.  I've really been missing her a lot lately.  We were roommates in the past, and at one point she was one of my best friends.  The last time I heard from Laura was May of 2003.  She had just moved to Austin and had called me to tell me what had happened to her, as she had just kind of disappeared after she moved out due to a dysfunctional relationship she was trying to escape.  I miss her a lot.  We used to do lots of stuff together... take walks, go to bars, go out to eat, and generally just talk a lot about everything.  I remember the first day she moved in.  I got home from class at the Art Institute and walked into the apartment, and she and her sister were in the kitchen cooking supper.  I remember how great it felt to come home to find the activity of people I cared about in my apartment, the sounds of them talking and laughing as I opened the door, and the smell of food cooking.  It felt like home at that moment, more than it probably ever has since.

I find myself wondering a lot what happened to Laura.  She was in a terrible relationship with a guy off and on during the time we were roommates.  I wonder if they're still together.  When I think about the people in my life who I love who have just disappeared, I feel a deep sadness if I dwell on it.

One of those moods

Mrs. Landers was a health nut, she cooked food in a wok.
Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big
Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit.
And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like
Shih Tzus make good house pets, they're cuddly and sweet.
Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their
Meeting in the office, or meeting in the hall.
The boss, he wants to see you, so you can suck his
Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt.
Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a
Contaminated water can really make you sick.
Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your
Dictate what I'm saying, because it will bring you luck.
And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!

That customer

Posted on facebook by Joshua Woodbury, aka birdcat from the message boards at http://www.emuasylum.com

im at mcdonalds. i order 12 nuggets, to be told they don't have 12 nuggets. seriously? do i, the customer, have to tell you how to punch in two orders of six nuggets? seriously, wtf?

Well, this kind of hit close to home, because I have to deal with customers like this every day.  Customers who develop an inflated sense of self importance when dealing with a peon behind a register - customers who expect you to know exactly what they want based solely on the effect of their commanding presence - customers who, because of their average IQ's, feel really smart when they walk into a McDonalds.  Customers who piss me off.

My response:

"Speaking from the point of view of one who routinely has to deal with the types of customers that, upon walking into the store where I work, immediately lose half of their information processing capabilities while simultaneously doubling the size of their egos and who then expect me to be both a mind reader, capable of dispensing instant gratification with zero information forthcoming, and a spare cache of free IQ points for handling a constant deluge of baffling mysteries - such as the location of the coffee lids, why the bathroom door is locked, and why we don't carry the Four-Loko anymore - mysteries which continue to clog their increasingly overtaxed logic centers like a backed up port-a-potty at castor oil convention while they maintain a lofty air of self importance which increases in direct proportion to the decline of their own ability to process information cogently... speaking from the point of view of one who is intimately familiar with such phenomena, let me say that I have absolutely zero interest or desire to involve myself with these types of customers beyond the basic levels of requirement, which consist of finding out what they want, putting it in front of them, and taking the money.  Now, concerning the individual who responded to your request for 12 nuggets by stating that they didn't have 12 nuggets... I feel as though I am somewhat familiar with the perspective of this individual, and I think I can speak with some confidence when I postulate that this person was almost certainly capable of acting independently and ringing up two orders of 6 nuggets.  However, he or she most likely just didn't give two flips about doing your thinking for you."

Now, I realize that I've been 'that customer' before, and I'll probably be 'that customer' again.  However, due to the extensive experience I have with occupying the other side of the situation, I am much more aware of it now when I become 'that customer', and I feel chagrined when I find myself slipping so easily into that role.  Oh, and birdcat aka Josh isn't a bad guy.  I've known him for years.  However, we all have a little asshole built in, and we could all do with learning a little humility.

By the way, even though it dealt with real experiences and real feelings, I'm aware of the ludicrous nature of that little essay.  The entire thing was actually meant to be a joke.  Mostly. :)

Lunch break

An odd experience at 2:00 am

Ok this is a weird one.  I woke up at 2:00 am last night and suddenly remembered, 'Holy shmolies, the last time I'd been to Bens was early this morning!  I need to go check on his cats!'  So I jumped out of bed, threw on some clothes, and bolted out the door.

Wait a second... what's that over there?  A shadow of... somebody skulking behind the car?  The shadow stood up suddenly, as if caught doing something.  I stood there for a few seconds and heard, "What's up man?"

I proceeded down the driveway and got closer to the guy.  Some young dude I don't know, smoking a cigarette.

"How's it going man?" He said.

"Ok," I replied.

"So, what are you doing?"

I stopped.  He's talking to me?  Why is this shadowy stranger making conversation with me?

"Taking a walk," I said.

"Where to?"

Ok, now this guy was starting to creep me out.  His comments seemed nervous and almost forced.  I decided not to tell him where I was going.

"Around," I replied.

A short pause.  We both stood there for a second looking at each other.

"I can't sleep."

? thought I.  I stood there and looked at the guy.  Ok, so he can't sleep.  Am I supposed to do something?  Give him some suggestions?  Offer him one of my anxiety pills?

"Ok, good luck with that," I said, and proceeded towards Ben's.

"Ok, you too man."

Me too?  Good luck with what?  My walk?  I kept it in mind not to trip and die.  Lady luck, be with me on my walk.  I got halfway to Malone and remembered, dog noggit, the key!  I turned around and jogged back to the house.  The guy was standing in the driveway.  He saw me coming and skulked over to the light post on the corner.  I went inside, got the key, and came back out.  The guy was gone.

Probably nothing, just some guy outside who couldn't sleep, taking a smoke, and I startled him.  He probably thought he looked kind of shifty, which he did, thus his nervous-seeming reaction, but it was most likely just a harmless situation.  Still... maybe he's an insane stalker who secretly watches my window at night as I sleep.  I hope I don't wake up dead.

Uh... better lock the doors just in case.

Simple pleasures

Garlic cheese sticks, hamburger and bacon pizza, Coke with some Evan Williams, and Netflix on demand movies (thanks to a friend).  Compared to how I felt this morning, everything is ok right now at this moment in time.  Thank you God for simple pleasures.

Stupid sleep

I was supposed to go to the liturgy this morning and read.  I couldn't sleep right when I got home, as it was too 'early'.  I wound up actually falling asleep at 2:00 and slept right through my alarm.  I feel rotten.