I Hate You And Wish You Wear Dead

"I Hate You And Wish You Wear Dead"

A talk show for the chronically depressed and criminally deranged

Copyright 1994. Four Grungie People and Amy

Hosted by: Amy Holt

Special Guest: John Malone

Season 1, Episode 2

- Transcript follows -

Title shot: "I Hate You And Wish You Wear Dead" title and logo

Intro music: "I Still Do" by The Cranberries (five seconds then the camera switches to Amy sitting on a couch indian style)

Amy: Hello, it's me again, yes. Anyway, you know the name of the show or you wouldn't be here, obviously. And for those of you who are watching at home on TV and it's the first time you've ever seen it, it's called... well anyway, I'm not going to tell you the name because the credits tell you that at the beginning and the end. So, on with it. Today we've got another depressing guest, as usual, and I'm going to sit here and counsel him in my morbid way. And you all know I probably need therapy as much as him. But... (looks off camera) I don't know, what are we talking about today anyway? Oh, some... some guy I don't know. Just some depressed guy, so what's new? (motions in the direction of the camera) Why don't we introduce him. Come on... what's his name? What's your name anyway?

John: (off camera) John.

Amy: (waves off camera) Hi, John.

John: (off camera) Oh, hi.

Amy: Why don't you come on out, John?

John: Hey. (walks into camera view looking criminally deranged)

Amy: (reacts placatingly to a sudden movement in the audience) No, no need to stand everyone, it's just a... he's just a guest. (motions for the audience to sit back down)

Amy: Hello.

John: (walks sullenly over to the couch and plops down with a theatrical sigh) Hi.

Amy: My name's Amy. (holds out her hand for John to shake)

John: (looks at it for a couple of seconds then brushes it off)

Amy: Yeah. Well. (contemplates this for a second then starts laughing) Oh, I love to see people who are as miserable as me! (laughs out loud) So...

John: (looks at Amy with a hurt expression) You're such a... (mumbles something inaudible)

Amy: I'm such a what? Come on, it's good for you to express that anger, you know.

John: (sighs)

Amy: Call me a bitch. Call me a bitch.

John: No... I'm, I'm just... here I am, a depressed person, you know, and I've gone through this major trauma in my life...

Amy: And I'm laughing, is that it?

John: ...and you treat it as if it's nothing, like you hate me or something.

Amy: (cracks up again while trying to light a cigarette)

John: It's not funny. I quit drinking weeks ago and now I'm back on the bottle more than ever... (notices a beer on the coffee table, picks it up and takes a swig)

Amy: (between guffaws) You have me so cracked up I was about to light the filter end of the cigarette!

John: (ignores her and continues) ...my wife left me. I lost my job! My car broke down on me and I can't go anywhere in it, and I'm stuck at the house. Bills are coming in... God knows now the wife's wanting child support, and all just because...

Amy: The Violins, yes. Bring out the violins.

John: And all because of my poor little bird.

Amy: (surprised) Oh. What? (snickers)

John: (lights a cigarette) It's not funny! I had that parakeet for years.

Amy: (in a consoling tone) Here, have an ash tray. (passes an ash tray to John)

John: Thank you.

Amy: I know it's no replacement for the bird.

John: (looks hurt) Well, I'm trying my best... (mumbles something)

Amy: (calms down and composes herself) Well, do you want to talk about this then? I guess that's why you're here, isn't it?

John: Yeah. Well, you know, I had this parakeet for like... eight years, and his name was Odie. I named him after...

Amy: (laughs at this)

John: ...I named him after Odin.

Amy: (stops and looks at John with a puzzled expression) Huh?

John: (shouts) The God, Odin!

Amy: (sarcastically) Oh, oh... excuse moi, sivous plait!

John: (sniffs) And he was just a helluva bird. I've... I've got a picture of him, do you want to see it?

Amy: He's got a picture, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, please.

John: I carry it with me everywhere I go. (produces a photograph and holds it up)

Amy: (rolls eyes) He carries it with him.

John: Isn't he beautiful?

Amy: (takes sudden notice and reaches for the picture) Let me see that. (looks at it closely)

John: Isn't that adorable?

Amy: (regards the picture with exaggerated awe) When you... when you guys see this picture, you will understand my look...

John: He's so rare! (reaches for the picture)

Amy: (yanks it out of his reach) ... of enchantment. This is such a rare bird. I've never, ever seen a parakeet...

John: No, he's one of a kind. There's not another one in the world that's just like him.

Amy: ...that looks like this. Oh my gosh, let me gaze for a minute. (regards the picture solemnly)

John: Sure.

Amy: Beautiful. Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to see a parakeet that's astounding. I've never seen anything like it, John. No wonder you're so hurt. (rolls eyes and hands the photograph back)

John: (sniffs, oblivious to the sarcasm) Thank you. (gets up and approaches the camera)

Amy: Now we're going to show his picture.

John: (holds a picture of a perfectly unremarkable, normal looking parakeet up to the camera) This is my parakeet. Want to see my parakeet? Isn't he adorable? Now, have you ever seen a parakeet as beautiful as that? Here, let's get real close... (moves the picture even closer) ...look at that gorgeous bird. I mean... I mean, this is like... and this picture is on his birthday. We had ice cream and cake and everything like that...

Amy: (laughs and shakes her head) Oh, I thought I had problems...

John: ...and like, I invited all the neighbor birds over, you know, and I put a bunch of seeds out there in the yard for them and everything. They all flew in and ate the seeds, and none of them brought any presents. They ate the damn seeds and... I don't know. (sigh) Uh, I brought...

Amy: Oh, dear dear... (shakes head)

John: ...some more souvenirs.

Amy: Well, I don't know if I can handle any more of this.

John: (reaches into a pocket and extracts a handful of lint and feathers) I've got some feathers, and uh...

Amy: (examines the ball of disheveled feathers critically) Oh... and the feathers are as unique as the bird itself.

John: ...happy birthday... (gets up and approaches the camera and holds the feathers in front of it) Here. See the feathers? These are like... these were my parakeets favorite feathers. I cut them off of him right when he died.

Amy: (with authority) Okay. John, put the feathers away and sit down. It's time we talked. So, why don't you tell me how this bird died?

John: (sits back down on the couch) Well, I came home from work and I was really tired, and you know, it had been a rough day, and I had quit drinking and everything was going fine, and I was like... just trying to stay good, and... I was tired, and I (gasp) sat... (voice cracks as he wipes a tear) ... I sat down on the couch. (chokes on a sob) And... (sniffs, pauses, then raises his voice in anger) ...how the hell was I supposed to know that my (yelling) STUPID BITCH OF A WIFE left the cage open, and the parakeet had somehow ended up on my favorite spot on the couch... that dumb bitch! And my little kids ran on it too, the little crumb snatching little bastards! Argh! And I sat...

Amy: Where is your wife now?

John: Who gives a damn.

Amy: Oh...

John: I hate her and I wish she was fucking dead.

Amy: Well, you're on the right show then. You're at the right place, John. (pats his knee)

John: (rambling) I had that bird way before I met that little bimbo. All she wanted was a free ride and this that and the other. So what if her dad is rich and bought her a house. I don't care! (gesticulates wildly) I know, so she had a better job than I did. That doesn't matter! I try to compensate... (in a falsetto voice) I'll quit my job honey, and I'll take care of the... (pauses, then punches his palm with his fist) yeah, that's a bunch of bullshit. (quits rambling and takes a breath) I don't know...

Amy: (short silence) Well. So, how long now... would you please refresh... tell me again, how long has this been?

John: Oh, this is, let's see... uh, five days, three hours, twenty-seven minutes and twenty-four seconds. Total. Twenty five seconds.

Amy: Okay...

John: Twenty-six seconds.

Amy: ...so the pain is still...

John: Twenty-seven seconds.

Amy: ...the pain is still very new?

John: Twenty-eight seconds. Twenty-nine seconds.

Amy: (sighs) Do you think maybe...

John: Thirty seconds... (lapses into contemplative silence)

Amy: (speaking quickly) Have you come to a full realization of what has happened yet, or do you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night calling Odie's name?

John: Uh, I don't have that problem, waking up in the middle of the night. I haven't been able to sleep. I just go out and...

Amy: Are you hearing chirping noises and stuff?

John: Yeah... (sighs) ...all kinds of things.

Amy: Maybe I can share a few stories with you that might help you...

John: (interrupts) The worst part about it was, even after he died and we cooked him up, there wasn't even enough to have a meal. (sniffs) It was just... kind of like a little tidbit taste. I figured he'd appreciate it though.

Amy: But now you have this... (giggles) ...so now you carry a part of him with you forever.

John: I wanted to be a part of him. I was reading that book about Indians and stuff, how they would capture their enemy, and eat parts of them so they'd gain their things... and like, I got that...

Amy: Do you think that would work with my ex-fiance?

John: I don't know, but I've been trying to fly for these past few days and I keep falling off the roof and hurting myself.

Amy: (sigh)

John: I've got faith that the food will go up in there... but anyway, the bones and the remains. You know, I have a little grave out there for him. And uh, a sepulcher, I had a sepulcher made for him. It wasn't that much. I got it done, I contracted it. It was like forty-five thousand dollars. It's ok, I just sold my wife's car. And um... it's pretty good. You know, and then I...

Amy: (rolls eyes tiredly and shakes head) I'm all choked up, I'm sorry....

John: I had his name engraved in fourteen carat gold and everything like that, with his little name in sterling silver. It's so pretty. And I have like, you know... like, for the soldier, the eternal flame thing? I've got a big torch, it's an eternal torch. You know, the gas bill is kind of high though...

Amy: This is more serious than most people realize, isn't it?

John: Yeah...

Amy: Do you find that most of your supporters, or used to be supporters, are very unsympathetic now?

John: Well, I find that everybody thinks I'm a fruitcake and nobody talks to me anymore and they avoid me. I call my friends up and they won't come over. I offer all kinds of incentives... you know. Uh... hookers, beer, anything just so that they'd come to visit me. Money...

Amy: And they won't?

John: No, but... you know, not to just to visit me, but I want them to visit the shrine and see my poor dead bird.

Amy: Well let me ask you a little question because I read this in the paper and I'd like to hear your version of it.

John: Hmm.

Amy: I did read that one of the reasons that your friends were so...

John: You're not going to bring up the mass murder I did... I mean uh, that they... I allegedly did?

Amy: No, I wasn't...

John: Okay.

Amy: ...I was going to leave that one alone.

John: Okay.

Amy: I...

John: Because that was not true. I wasn't even inside that store on that day.

Amy: I really...

John: Well, I was there...

Amy: ...I really think...

John: ...well, not really. But I wasn't there...

Amy: ...that it was somebody wearing a mask.

John: Yes. Somebody wearing a mask who happened to look just like me. That's what I keep telling them...

Amy: (loudly) Anyway, I read that some of the reasons...

John: ...and they can't prove a thing...

Amy: ...that they don't want to come over is because of the things that are happening there... like the pictures flying off the walls, and that the ghost of the dead parakeet is haunting...

John: Yeah.

Amy: ...and it doesn't seem to want them there.

John: Odies ghost is alive and well and living in my household, and I think he's... like... trying to pay me back for sitting on him.

Amy: Oh, I'm all choked up. (laughs)

John: I can't even sit on the couch anymore.

Amy: Tragic, tragic.

John: I don't know. It's like... I've put bird seed in his cage before I go to sleep, and in the morning...

Amy: (gasps theatrically) It's gone?

John: No, it'll be there, but in the form of poop.

Amy: Now that's spooky. You know, that parakeet is making you suffer. Oh, how the ones we love make us suffer...

John: Yeah, but it's kind of consoling too, even though he is in ghost form and he torments me constantly at night...

Amy: At least you know he's still there.

John: ...and plays mean tricks like putting razor blades in my toothbrush and stuff like that. But you know... I get along with his ghost because deep down I know he really doesn't mean it. He was such a caring bird. I mean, how can you hold something against someone. I mean, how could he... just because I squished him and... you know. With my butt.

Amy: (tiredly with head in hand) Ohhh, man oh man...

John: (musing) I guess I probably should have taken a bath better... (mumbles something inaudible) ...and of course those beans I had the night before probably weren't... whatever... (mumbles again)

Amy: Oh, lord.

John: ...he was a helluva good bird.

Amy: (quickly) Tell us about him. Was he? Was he a helluva bird?

John: Gosh darn right. He was like... he was like, my bird. When I came into a room, you know, he immediately came too me after I grabbed him and buckled him into his harness and strapped him to my shoulder. And he would like, follow me around... well, I had a leash that I tied to him and he'd follow me around... anyway, it was kind of fun because I'd let him fly while I held on to the leash, and right when he got to the end of it, I'd pop it and jerk it back and we'd play that game all the time. Damn. (wipes his eyes)

Amy: Oh dear. Uh, John?

John: Huh?

Amy: Let me offer a little suggestion. I think... let's have a little prayer for Odie. I think that with this prayer...

John: Well see, if you'd just wait until Sunday, I'm renting um... uh, what's that damn big Catholic place...

Amy: The Vatican?

John: Yeah, that thing. I'm renting that and we're going to have a big um... thing for him...

Amy: Requiem mass?

John: Yeah. A big mass for him. A massive mass...

Amy: If you will.

John: ...as they say. And like, I hired the Pope to come in and say a few words.

Amy: You hired the Pope, huh. (claps hands and laughs) You mean Catholics can be bought?

John: Well, at first he wasn't going to do it until I cashed in my wife's life insurance policy. I mean, I didn't kill her. She died of uh, natural causes.

Amy: Oh...

John: She was playing with... cleaning her gun, and it went off accidentally nine times. And you know, those damn single shots are like that.

Amy: So, there's no truth to the claim that you murdered her?

John: No. Absolutely not. Just because I took out a large life insurance policy on her...

Amy: (addressing the audience) He didn't kill his wife, despite the fact that he took out a million dollar policy on her the same day.

John: I loved the bitch. I loved that cum sucking whore. I'm sorry. That fucking...

Amy: (grimaces) Can we bleep that word out? You can still say it all you want...

John: Well, this is cable...

Amy: True. Ok, it's time for a commercial break. When we come back, John's going to be with us again, but we promise we're going to have an even more depressing topic when we return. And also...

John: Well I'm going to go to take a piss then. (gets up and trots off camera)

Amy: All right, we'll see you in a minute then. And now a word from our sponsors.

(close up of a Budweiser beer bottle with voiceover)

Budweiser beer. Drink it. It's good. Yum yum. Thank you.

(shot of Amy sitting on the couch)

Amy: (waves to camera) Hello! Where's our guest? I hope he didn't get locked in the john again.

John: (walks into camera view and sits on the couch) Hey, I resent that. My name's John and I take offense to that. You know, my ex-wife used to call me John. (laughs nervously)

Amy: (joins in with nervous laughter)

John: And uh, just before I took that life insurance policy out on her, she uh... called me that. And made fun of that sport. (face assumes a faraway, confused look)

Amy: Look... (puts a comforting hand on John's shoulder)

John: (startled) Huh?

Amy: Be silent. We have medication that will make that go away.

John: Do you want to get married?

Amy: Uh...

John: Do you have a lot of money? We could be so perfect together. Oh sweet baby. (puts his hand on her knee) Do you like birds?

Amy: (looks away nervously)

John: (shouting) Hey! Do you like birds? I'm talking to you!

Amy: (laughs nervously) I love them. Actually, I don't own... I don't like animals very much at all. I don't like them in the house.

John: (long silence) You bitch.

Amy: Yes, many men have called me that. Do you think it upsets me now that you would?

John: I don't really know if I care to be on your fucking show anymore.

Amy: You know, I don't really give a fucking shit if you care to be...

John: (interrupts) What time do you get off work anyway?

Amy: Ha. If you think, for one minute, that I haven't put up with psycho's like you before...

John: Well, I'm not going to wait in the parking lot with a damn rifle and shoot you all into little pieces. Why would I do something like that?

Amy: Well, if you'd like to try, honey, be my guest.

John: I don't do that anymore... I mean, I don't kill and I haven't ever killed anyone and they can't prove a thing.

Amy: Ha. There are little known things about me. Everyone at the station knows that they don't mess with me, you got it? I'm a witch. Certifiable, real life...

John: ...bitch...

Amy ...thunder will roll witch! Mess with me and you'll be eating your heart for lunch.

John: My parakeet makes house calls, you know.

Amy: Well, let me tell you, I have a few friends of my own...

John: Yeah...

Amy: ...and they're the kind...

John: Yeah. I'm not putting up with this. I'm out of here. (gets up and walks off camera)

Amy: Okay.

John: (off camera) Fucking bitch.

Amy: We just got rid of that asshole. (laughs) We'll be back in a minute... and now another word from our sponsor.

(close up of a pack of Marlboro cigarettes with voiceover)

Marlboro cigarettes. Yum yum. Smoke em, they're good for you.

(shot of Amy sitting on the couch)

Amy: No doctor, I asked for a xanax, not a zantac. I don't have heartburn. (glances at camera) Oh. I'm on the air. (laughs nervously) Why didn't somebody TELL me that? (rolls eyes at somebody off camera) Well, I think our guest has calmed down a little bit. He's been sedated. I think he'll be much more of a pleasant... conversation piece... now. Especially since, you know, we're about to discuss one of the other aberrations that seem to have appeared since the demise of his parakeet, and that's multiple personality disorder. Now I think he's transformed into one of his other personalities, and I think they're a little bit more friendly. Let's welcome him again... um, okay. And what did you say your name was?

John: (off camera) My name's John. (approaches couch holding a sheathed sword)

Amy: (long silence) Oh. John. (another long silence) Welcome back.

John: (sits down) Thank you. Wow.

Amy: Well, John, what do we have with us today?

John: (plays with sword distractedly) I knew what it was a minute ago.

Amy: You don't know what it is now?

John: Some guy poked me in the arm with something and... I don't know. (bites sword handle) I had a reason for getting this... (gazes at Amy with glazed eyes)

Amy: (almost whispering) And what was that reason?

John: I was tired. (unsheathes sword and stares at it) What is this? I was hungry. No...

Amy: No, that wasn't it. John, do you know what?

John: Huh?

Amy: It's time to put those ghosts to rest and put the weapons away. Because do you know what?

John: Ghosts and what?

Amy: Your parakeet, your wife...

John: My parakeet!

Amy: Your parakeet is the only one you should remember, because your parakeet loves you, John. (puts a comforting hand on his shoulder) Let me tell you something. You're better off without that wife of yours.

John: I know! I walked up to her and said honey, it's like this... (emphasizing his point with downward thrusts of the sword)

Amy: And let me tell you something else... listen!

John: ...I love you, but... oh.

Amy: You did yourself a favor by ridding the world of her.

John: I didn't kill her. Well, ok...

Amy: I know. I know.

John: Can I tell you something? (sidles up closer in confidence)

Amy: Yeah:

John: (whispers) I might have killed her, but... you know, she was...

Amy: (whispers) She deserved it.

John: Yeah, she did...

Amy: (shouting) She put your parakeet on the damn couch! She didn't have the nerve to tell you. You know, she could have thought... she could have thought that when you came home from work that you'd be tired, and irritable, because you'd had a bad day and the goddamn - (stops and hurriedly crosses herself) - sorry, I'm catholic. (waves at camera) Hi mom! Hi father Mike! Yeah, that's me. Uh huh, see you at mass. Okay. She should have known that you'd be tired, and to put that parakeet there... to be so irresponsible. She deserved it. So don't worry about that. You know what I think? I think your guilt is eating you up, and you need to lay that to rest. Your parakeet doesn't hate you... that's not the reason he sits around the house. He sits around the house because he loves you and he doesn't want to let you go either. And the next time something happens around the house with the parakeet that you might think is frightening, you stop and you say, Odie, I know thats you, and I want you to know that I know why you're doing it. So stop. I know you're here and I'm happy you're here, so you don't need to make a disturbance to let me know you care. (to John) And I think you're going to be okay. You're going to be more than ok. And I'm glad that you came on my show.

John: Thank you, I had a good time.

Amy: (lighting a cigarette) Well, you seem a little more subdued than when you first got here.

John: (staring at the ceiling) Do you have a light for my smoke? (offers her the sword scabbard distractedly)

Amy: (off camera) Doctor, I told you no more than 10 cc's!

John: Hi C? I like that drink. It's nice. I gotta go. Somewhere.

Amy: You know what? We all have to go somewhere. What do you think happens to you when you die?

John: You rot. Or you eat birdseed and shit ghost turds.

Amy: Have you ever seen a ghost?

John: I saw my parakeet.

Amy: No, I mean a ghost of a living person.

John: Only after they were dead. I'm still waiting on my wife to come back. (long silence) And the kids.

Amy: Kids? Where are the kids, at grandma's?

John: (suddenly more alert) Yeah... they're at grandma's house! That's where they are.

Amy: (under her breath) That's probably where they need to be...

John: My grandma lives out of state, far away. Not here. Not in my backyard. Under the big oak tree. Next to the grave.

Amy: That's a good place to plant things.

John: Yeah, that's my favorite...

Amy: The ground is very fertile.

John: It is now. I mean, yes it is.

Amy: You know, you'll have a helluva crop come next spring.

John: Yeah. I'm planting the birdseed.

Amy: You know, John, me just talking to you... I feel better already, because I thought I had problems an hour ago. And you know what? I don't think I could have been as strong as you were going through this. I probably would have killed my wife and kids and my parakeet.

John: Yeah, luckily I'm not that kind of...

Amy: Just the other day, I was wanting to throw knives at someone I love. And I told him so.

John: Watch this, it's magically floating up. (raises the sword) Oh. That's not my hand.

Amy: Well, we're just about out of time...

John: I got a new pet too.

Amy: What kind?

John: A dog.

Amy: I hope...

John: He's not allowed on the couch. He likes to hang around the mulcher though, and I'm kind of worried about that. I remember when my kid was by the mulcher, and I almost... he didn't actually fall into the mulcher, that didn't happen. And the time my neighbor came over and didn't play with my chain saw and cut his head off... that didn't happen. And then the time... the time... well, I'm not supposed to talk about this because my lawyer...

Amy: Bye!

John: (gets up and slouches away, mumbling)

Amy: This concludes another episode of "I Hate You And Wish You Wear Dead". Hey, don't turn me off just yet because I'm not ready. This is my show, yes, I'M the star of the show. Do you want me to have an anxiety attack? I don't think so. Now, I say when we quit rolling the cameras. Got it? Ok. (black screen)