Pain

I've been puking a lot lately in the early morning small hours.  Yesterday morning I almost threw up my guts.  This morning I did it again.  I missed the Royal Hours yesterday, and almost missed the liturgy celebrating the Theophany this morning, but Dax texted me and woke me up.  I was feeling better by then, so I got up and got ready and went.

I had forgotten that it is three years ago almost to the day that I first visited St. Maximus, and we were singing the Troparia of Theophany a lot today.  When I was reading the hours before the liturgy, when I got to the the troparion it caught me by complete surprise, and all of those memories came rushing back.  I choked up pretty good and had to stop reading, and I'm sure everybody noticed and was thinking, 'Oh shit, why is he choking up?  What's wrong with him, is he going to start crying?'  It was embarrassing, and later during the liturgy, it happened again when we were singing the troparion, and everybody was watching me, so that made it even worse.  I wasn't ready for it.  The reason why it affected me is because today marks the beginning of my experience at church, back when Leah invited me for the first time, and that troparion in tone 1 was the first thing I'd ever heard there at St. Maximus.

Then my stomach started to hurt again, and after the blessing of the water, I drank some Holy Water and had to double over with pain.  I pretty much rushed right home, and again I'm sure everybody was thinking, 'What the heck is up with him?'  I guess I'm not holy enough, and that's why it hurt.