words

Hello.  You were a stranger to me when I worked up my courage and made an attempt to say 'hi' to you a couple of weeks ago.  It was somewhat disconcerting and a little bit painful, in a spiky surprising way, at first.  Mostly though, it was just a kind of confusing, dull ache which became diluted as it got mixed up with the minutes and hours and days that have passed since then.  Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that we were once friends, and that we spent so much time together and shared so much laughter and love and were so close for a while.  There are a lot of good memories, but they only bring a painful nostalgia nowadays.  I don't know if that's good or bad.  I miss you... I think.  I'm pretty sure I don't know you now, so I don't know if I can truthfully say that I miss you without acknowledging my own selfishness.  Maybe I just miss those days, and the person you were during that time.  Maybe I just want all of that back, and it's a purely selfish thing.  I'm sure that's part of it... but I don't think it's all of it.

Things sure are different now.  Whatever is going on right now, I know that you were a part of my life once, and that we share some good memories, and that you continue to occupy a good portion of my thoughts and prayers every day.  I hope that you're ok that and everything is becoming good for you now, and that you're learning how to pray and love and resist the enemy and are closer to God and all that good stuff.  I know that you most likely won't ever read this, but that's ok, because I'm writing this mostly to sort out my own feelings.  I don't know why I post it publicly... I guess it's because of the fact that it's tossed out there and away from me, and it's not sitting in my head or moldering on my hard drive. 

I still feel this love for you, as much as I ever did - and more, even.  It's probably mostly a selfish love, but I don't want it to be that way.  Part of it is good, I think, because when I think of you, often times it hurts in my chest, right in the center, but that hurt isn't accompanied by any negative feelings or thoughts towards you or about you anymore.  I think that's how it's supposed to be when you give your love to somebody though... it always hurts, even if they love you back and you don't have to spend years missing them.

Anywho... thanks for opening your personal box of treasures and allowing me to rummage through it with you for a little while, way back when, and for sharing your Orthodoxy with me.  I'll always remember that promise I made to you.  Good night.