this chance

I often wonder why I've been given this chance, when many people more deserving than myself have met such tragic ends, lost and strangers to God. I mean, I used to refer to Christians as semi-evolved simians. I laughed at their willing stupidity, and I enthusiastically viewed them with as much contempt as I could muster, placing them on a level which might as well have been infinitely below my lofty perch of enlightened knowledge. I certainly don't deserve any kind of chance at life and hope, so why do I get one when so many others didn't? What about kids that were just as stupid as me, just as young, just as old, just as confused... and who had just as much chance of possibly coming around as I was given, but they died of stupid drug overdoses, or car wrecks, or asthma attacks, or suicide? Especially the suicides. I'll never ever EVER understand that - why I get this chance, when all of those myriad hundreds and thousands and millions of people, most of whom were far more deserving than I am, never even began to have the chance that was given to me. I don't get it. I mean, real life with hope is possible for me now, when it wasn't before, and I didn't even know it. That's a miracle. I don't understand why I'm part of such a teensy minority that got that, when most people never get the chance.