I changed my layout with the NEW DESIGN! feature of blogspot, and now I can't change it back. !!!
Anyway.
So many conflicting emotions. So many chances to screw up. So many chances to do the right thing. I wonder sometimes if I'm special, if God gives me attention for some reason that I'm not aware of... because I am a royal screw up when it comes to my faults, like neglecting my prayer rule, feeling self important, indulging in self pity, giving up when things are just a little difficult, being weak, succumbing to pride, offending others, giving in to anger, embracing passions, following temptation, being a bad influence, manipulating people's emotions, and not being a good friend; just to name a few. Why do I get communication from God when I don't even deserve it at all? Why does He answer my prayers? Why does He show me such generous mercy? Why does He even give me the time of day?
I know why of course; God loves me and will not forsake or abandon me, ever - but I push Him away at every opportunity. What about all of the other people? People who died in car crashes, war, drug overdoses, suicide, or just out of sheer stupidity, like I almost did when I was almost scrubbed by that train 20 years ago? What about all of those people who did get scrubbed by the train? Didn't they deserve God's mercy as much as I do? Why do I get this chance when they didn't? Untold, countless millions of people, probably billions throughout the course of human history, who died without ever having any hope, who never knew God's love, and who now have to experience God's love as eternal pain instead of eternal joy. Why does God pay special attention to me? I have a chance, but I waste it every second of every day. Why do I get the chance? Why me?
I pray for the departed. Esther Moses (grandmother), Jim Moses (grandaddy), Alice Davis (grandma), Joseph Marion Davis (grandpa), Jason Melton (my friend from the message boards, who I actually knew as ICE) and Larry Walters. Those are the departed I include in my prayers, when I actually take the time to pray. I hope... hope hope hope that there is hope for the departed who were never as fortunate as myself, who died in anger or sadness or ignorance of God, who were so far away from God when they died. There has to be hope for them. Otherwise, why should I have hope? I don't deserve it. There HAS to be hope for the departed, the ones who never got the chance that I have been given.
After my grandmother died, I talked to Leah about it. I was concerned about what was happening to her. Leah told me that for the first three days after my grandmother died, she was simply in the presence of God. Just there, with God, for three days, being close to Him. I thought about the kind of life my grandmother led. She was a Roman Catholic and she kept a crucifix above her bed and a little container of holy water on the wall next to the door of her apartment, but I don't remember her ever going to mass. I know she wasn't perfect... she was selfish, manipulative, maybe even a little evil (I won't go into my reasons for saying that)... but she was my grandmother and there was love in her. How was she experiencing the presence of God for those three days? How is she experiencing it now? I worry about that.
I'm not ready to die now. My three days would probably be very frightening and painful - not to mention all of eternity. I'm afraid of what would happen to me if I died now. How would I experience God's love? What about grandmother? Grandaddy? Grandma and grandpa? My dear friend Ice? Or Larry Walters, the poor soul who tasted happiness once when he flew above Southern California in a lawn chair tied to 40 weather balloons, but ultimately killed himself out of sheer sadness? What about all of them, and all of the other people who have died before and since? Jesus told us that the path that leads to heaven is narrow, and only a few will succeed in finding their way. How many is 'only a few'?
You're wrestling with some pretty big questions here, ones which I think every Christian has to wrestle with when confronted with the death of a loved one.
ReplyDeleteI find that whenever I struggle with this issue I always end up concluding that:
1. Our Father is a God of mercy, as well as justice
2. Jesus' grace works in ways I'll never fully understand
2. Only the Holy Spirit can truly know someone else's heart
4. It is a good thing to pray for the dead
With regards to what it would be like upon dying, I'd like to quote CS Lewis:
"Our souls demand Purgatory, don't they? Would it not break the heart if God said to us, 'It is true, my son, that your breath smells and your rags drip with mud and slime, but we are charitable here and no one will upbraid you with these things, nor draw away from you. Enter into the joy'? Should we not reply, 'With submission, sir, and if there is no objection, I'd rather be cleaned first.' 'It may hurt, you know' - 'Even so, sir.'
I assume that the process of purification will normally involve suffering. Partly from tradition; partly because most real good that has been done me in this life has involved it. But I don't think the suffering is the purpose of the purgation. I can well believe that people neither much worse nor much better than I will suffer less than I or more. . . The treatment given will be the one required, whether it hurts little or much.
My favorite image on this matter comes from the dentist's chair. I hope that when the tooth of life is drawn and I am 'coming round',' a voice will say, 'Rinse your mouth out with this.' This will be Purgatory. The rinsing may take longer than I can now imagine. The taste of this may be more fiery and astringent than my present sensibility could endure. But . . . it will [not] be disgusting and unhallowed." - C.S. Lewis, Letters to Malcolm, Chiefly on Prayer
I'll have to ask my priest about purgatory; I'm not sure how that fits with Orthodox beliefs.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I understand the doctrine isn't as formally developed as it is in Catholicism, but there are certainly similar-sounding ideas in some streams of the Orthodox Church. Please let me know what your priest says.
ReplyDeleteI quoted CS Lewis (an Anglican) because I think he gives us one of the most beautiful descriptions of what I imagine it to be like prior to stepping into the heavenly court.
I think this is particularly important to me because there is a rather bitter feud between two members of my family, both of whom are believers. I hope and pray that they both make it to heaven's shores, but if they do, I am sure that a particular work of God's grace is going to have to take place within both of them before they will be ready to worship in front of the same throne (Rev 21:27).
Without this particular work of God's grace within each of them, I'm pretty sure heaven wouldn't remain "heaven" for very long... ;-)