Oh, how I have fantasized about murdering Jar Jar Binks for the last twenty years. First degree, premeditated murder. Here's how I imagine it, step by step.
1. Tap that living insult to morons on the shoulder.
2. As it turns to face me -
SMASH! There go those ridiculous dentures, right down its' fucking gullet with the butt-end of my blaster!
3. Serious death occurs now as my blaster, set to fully automatic, happens hundreds of times to Jar Jars' face.
4. Jar Jar finally hits the ground, flopping.
I've spent almost a quarter of a century as a haunted man, pondering this crime committed against Star Wars. Why was the fourth bonafide Star Wars movie presented as an exquisite turd and then served to us on a plate of bone china?
Here's what I think happened.
One Friday evening, evolution must have been REALLY tired after trying to make sense of the latest assignment handed to it by the Universe - evolving the Gungan.
It's not hard to imagine a thoroughly frustrated evolution sharpening pencils, tearing holes in the blueprints with used up erasers, knocking over the coffee in the process, all the while frequently glancing up at the clock until it FINALLY advanced to 5:30 pm, then -
"Fuck this, It's Hammertime!"
And out the door evolution went in the flick of a millennia, off to get thoroughly hammered.
Now imagine some brown nosing intern working overtime at the evolution factory and deciding to have a crack at these Gungan creatures over the weekend... and ohmygod. When evolution showed up to work Monday morning, still half drunk and hung over, it must have taken one look at what the intern had done and just said,
"Fuck it. That's a Gungan."
Remember a long time ago, in a theater far far away near you, when Jar Jar Binks was first unleashed upon us? I bought a ticket for The Phantom Menace on the day it was released, and eagerly took my seat in arguably the shittiest seat in a theater jam-packed with Star Wars nerds. I didn't care! I was about to see the first Star Wars movie in 16 years!
I left the theater that day, scratching my head and thinking...
WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?
Something had just gone spectacularly wrong with Star Wars, as if millions of Star Wars fans had suddenly cried out in terror. However, I decided to give The Phantom Menace the benefit of the doubt. I bought ANOTHER ticket, hoping beyond hope that this time Qui Gon Jin would simply take a couple of steps back and allow that troop carrier to smear Jar Jar Binks across the forest floor and into a delicious, Jar Jar flavored paste.
NOPE!
It took years of denial for the enormity of it to sink in. Gungans. That's what had happened to Star Wars. Fucking Gungans! Because of those goddamn things, I've been suffering from Star Wars PTSD for twenty years! I'm now permanently FUCKED IN THE HEAD!
Ok, everybody pay attention, because this is what happens when evolution shows up to work drunk -
After a couple of shots of hair of the dog, followed by carefully cramming one last 'fuck it' into a space clearly labeled 'shits left to give', then hammering a handful of Legos from the Abomination Box into that exact same space, what emerged was a race of semi-sentient cartoons with an overdose of permanent retarded built right in! And ever since evolution went Full-On Retard, Gungans have been on the production line, with no sign of running out!
So, one may as well beg the question:
"Is it possible that a Gungan genius might actually get shat out into the general population now and then?"
Yes! However, other than naturally knowing shit from shinola while navigating alien planets on foot, a Gungan genius merely rivals the intelligence of a Kowakian monkey-lizard.
Since we've been reduced to begging questions about Gungans:
"Are 'retarded' Gungans possible? "
YUP! But only rarely does a creature so magnificently stupid survive instant murder. Guess who? I'm referring to Jar Jar Binks, of course. According to Jar Jar, it's because, "Meesa... clumsy."
Yeah, yousa clumsy all right, Jar Jar. Clumsily shitting directly into the public cistern will get you pyoonished by Boss Nass, the Lord Marshall of The Morons! Even millions of exceptionally stupid creatures have their limits.
Here's a horrible tidbit of info. The Gungan tongue occupies precisely 99.999% of the space inside its' skull, restricting the maximum size of a Gungan brain to about a cubic millimeter. In Jar Jars' case, that cubic millimeter houses almost exactly an extra cubic millimeter of the tongue apparatus, which is constantly squishing against TWO NEURONS... and that goddamn tongue is hammering against them ceaselessly as it deploys, again and again!
Like Frodo Baggins, I frequently call out into the void and ask, "Why did this have to happen to Star Wars in MY time?"
The answer arrived as an epiphany the other day as I was imagining torturing Jar Jar Binks for the eleventy-zillionth time. During this particular occasion, I was happily deep frying one side of his noggin in a frying pan filled with the rendered lard of his opposite ear.
Observe.
Jar Jar Binks: "Meesa Senator of allsa Naboo! Meesa help make Grand Republics! Whysa you always torturing meesa?"
\Me: "My dear Jar Jar... what a deliciously ironic question. I, too, often ask this question. Not TO you, but OF you! As for whysa I'm doing this? Since it's impossible to outright murder you, it's just revenge, pure and simple. Your very existence is an insult to a galaxy filled with common morons! Jar Jar, if the Universe decided to commit suicide, it would be because of you - the ultimate 'I'M SORRY!' of creation!"
Jar Jar Binks: "But meesa still not knowing why... OW!"
Me: "Yeah, I know. It's because you're a retarded mongoloid. Now shut up, I'm trying to think."
That ridiculous tongue simply had to go this time, and for good. In my mind, I unrolled Jar Jars' tongue with a set of red hot forceps, amputated it with a dull deer antler, and shoved it down his throat. The resulting peace and quiet nudged the afore-alluded to epiphany into existence!
Consider...
What if Jar Jar Binks has Force mind control over those around him? Would this not explain why he is inexplicably tolerated by those within his sphere of influence, allowing him to hitch-hike through the entire Phantom Menace without serving a SINGLE PURPOSE?
Jar Jar also manages the impressive feat of NOT getting instantly murdered, while constantly navigating through a quagmire of fuck-ups! What else could explain the toleration of Jar Jar Binks by the people he inflicts himself upon, except through some bizarre machination of the Force?
WHAT IF -
Jar Jar Binks is... I suppose we need to call him something. A Shith Lord? Yeah, that works! What if Jar Jar Binks is a Shith Lord, and master of a previously unrecognized RETARDED SIDE OF THE FORCE? What if... a single midichlorian in his bloodstream randomly mutated, and then grew exponentially, like a retarded midichlorian tumor?
Here we have a creature described by Qui Gon Jin as 'brainless', mere seconds after he encounters it. A one-in-a-trillion creature, who's truly a master of all things retarded, INCLUDING THE RETARDED SIDE OF THE FORCE! I know, a seemingly inescapable oxymoron, but...
THERE HE IS!
Jar Jar Binks is a genetic fuck-up of such profound stupidity that minutes after setting foot on Tatooine, he steps squarely into a pile of bantha shit. I'll bet he even gets some on his tongue! Is this not evidence that a hitherto unknown retarded side of the Force is guiding his every STEP?
I understand that this explanation remains unsatisfying. So, we can either accept this distasteful truth, or we can sacrifice the truth for the comfort of lies. However, not only does that way lead to the dark side of the Force, but now there's the retarded side of the Force to deal with, too!
In order to supply myself with at least a modicum of comfort, I find it very handy to apply the principle of Occums' Razor -
"The simpler explanation which accounts for all the facts is more likely to be correct."
With that in mind, which is more likely?
Door #1. Jar Jar Binks miraculously bumblefucks through life without getting murdered.
Door #2. Jar Jar Binks is an unwitting Shith Lord, and he constantly wields this retarded power with the awareness of an infant in possession of a Force powered paddle ball of intolerable annoyance, and quite frequently, random destruction!
Or...
Door #3. Door #2!
Occums' Razor demands the simplest explanation! It's Door #3, of course! How else can Jar Jars' rise to prominence be explained, except via some harum-scarum stratagem conjured by the mindless apparatus of the retarded side of the Force?
And what kind of planet would actually elect Jar Jar Binks as their representative in the senate of the Galactic Republic? I'll tell you what kind. One with an entire population compelled by retarded Force mind control!
Still, amidst this clusterfuck of brand new information delivered with the Force of a hyper-drive powered kick right to the balls, one glaring question remains which simply cannot be overlooked.
What about Anakin? HUH? Remember him?
Think about it. If Anakin really was created as the result of immaculate conception by a bloodborne pathogen in order to fulfill the prophecy of the Chosen One, then why did he go and do the exact opposite of that? And how exactly was Anakin supposed to be the Jesus Christ of Jedi Knights and bring balance to the Force -
Which, by the way, George Lucas took a galaxy sized shit upon by explaining away what made the Force so damn cool to begin with, the very MYSTICISM of it, with... midichlorians? FUCK THOSE THINGS, FUCK THE VERY IDEA OF THEM SIDEWAYS, FOREVER!
- if he, along with every Jedi Knight and Sith Lord for thousands of generations had never even caught a whiff of the retarded side of the Force? HUH?
JUST WHAT THE HELL WAS THE PHANTOM MENACE ALL ABOUT THEN, ANYWAY? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW, DAMMIT!
Well, guess what? Yup, I have the answer to that question, too! And no, the 'Phantom Menace' isn't Senator Palpatine. True, he's a menace, and yes, he manages to hide his dark nature from the entire galaxy... thus, the 'Phantom' metaphor. But by now it should be obvious who and what the REAL Phantom Menace is. It's Jar Jar Binks! By his mere existence, Jar Jar is enough of a 'Menace' already. However, it's his undetectable nature as Shith Lord that makes Jar Jar Binks the true 'Phantom' Menace!
Now.
Imagine this alternate scenario of events, if The Retarded Side of the Force had been discovered while Obi-Wan and Darth Vader were dueling on the Death Star, just as the Millennium Falcon was about to make its escape.
FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS KIDDOS', BECAUSE THIS RIDE IS ABOUT TO GO OFF THE RAILS!
.
.
.Obi Wan: "You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful..."
...awkward moment...
Together: "WHAT THE FUCK?"
...slow comprehension between the two of them...
Darth Vader: "Did YOU know about this, uh, Retarded Side of the Force, my old Master?"
Obi Wan: "Huh? You mean... I mean, A Retarded Side? Of The Force? Of course not!"
...suspicious pause...
Obi Wan: "Did YOU know about it, Darth?"
Darth Vader: "What? I just asked you the same question! I mean, one minute we're dueling like the old days, and the next, it was as if a brand new dimension of The Force was simply FORCED into my awareness!"
Obi Wan: "Yes, that's it exactly! However, and no offense Darth, but you're about as dumb as a bag of hydro-spanners. You demonstrated that quite clearly, decades ago when I held the high ground, but you decided it would be a good idea to perform a perfect triple gainer directly into a whirling lightsaber. So, with my obviously superior intellect, I can only assume that reality must have been SHIFTED, just now, in some inexplicable way which I still don't fully comprehend. I should have detected this - Retarded Side of the Force, for God's sake! - back when I was still just a youngling!"
Darth Vader: "Really? It IS a shock, admittedly, but I'm not the one having a hard time coming to terms with it. I can't imagine what it's like for YOU, having spent the entirety of your life believing that you're actually smarter than the average bear, only to discover that you're only just a little bit smarter than the average retard! Anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the Master. Also, Occams' Razor suggests..."
Obi Wan: "Yes yes, I know all about Occams' Razor. I'm the one who taught YOU about it -"
Darth Vader: "No you didn't."
Obi Wan: "Yeah, I did. And you're only a master of evil, Darth, and a master of changing the subject. I'm still WAY smarter than you.'
Darth Vader: "No you're not."
Obi Wan: "I wonder, are there even any midichlorians left floating around in there, ever since I carefully disassembled you back on Mustafar? Or did they all abandon ship after you jumped headfirst into a lightsaber powered woodchipper? The last I saw, I had YOUR lightsaber, and you were an on fire torso, with a head and one mechanical arm! Now look at you. My, how you've grown. You're practically a walking, talking gee-gaw. Lemme guess. One of those buttons on your chest is a midichlorian recharge button?"
Darth Vader: "Impressive... most impressive. Yoda - I mean, Qui Gon - has taught you well... you know, I've often wondered, but never gave enough of a shit to ask... but now that the question is up in the air, who the hell was the Jedi Master who taught you when you were a padawan learner, anyway? Yoda or Qui Gon? You told Luke it was Yoda, but then, when I was just an annoying little brat on Tatooine, weren't you Qui Gons' padawan learner? I'm pretty sure I remember that. You know, way back when you guys showed up on Tatooine and kidnapped me? Forget it. Who cares? Its just another completely obvious Star Wars fuck-up. Anyway, yes. It's this button which injects midichlorians directly into my circulatory system. And the one right next to it is for methamphetamine... comes in real handy when I actually get to fight with my lightsaber. And this one, right under the meth button, is for heroin. And right beside that one, this one is for DMT, and THAT one is Valium. Oh yeah, and THIS one is for MDMA..."
Obi Wan: "Yeah yeah, I can understand how you'd need drugs just to stick it, what with being forever stuck inside that real comfy looking costume. I'll bet you just drift right off to sleep in that thing at bedtime, huh Darth?"
Darth Vader: "As I indicated, this button is for Valium. And you interrupted me before I could show you this one, the most kick-ass one of all, which is for the Ketamine Hole..."
Obi Wan: "Oh for Gods' sake, I'm sorry I ever mentioned the buttons! You know, Darth, everything was going great until you had to go and join forces with that Olden Fart, Palpatine. I mean, one second you're practically a Jedi Master, then... BOOYAH! After a lifetime of training, you're instantly demoted to a lowly Sith apprentice."
...laborious but somehow ominous breathing...
Darth Vader: "I AM a DARK LORD of the SITH!"
Obi Wan: "Bullshit you're not, not as long as your Master, Emperor Palpatine, still runs the show. Remember the Sith Rule of Two? What, did you think you're special somehow? One Sith Lord, one Sith apprentice. You're no Sith Lord. You're merely a squire for Darth Sidious!"
...laborious but somehow chagrined breathing...
Darth Vader: "...Why, you obnoxious, geriatric old bastard - fuck you, man! And even if what you say is true, AND I'M NOT SAYING IT IS, but if it was, how is that any different than when I was a Jedi, but the Jedi Council kept refusing to promote me to Jedi Master? Even though I could have kicked all of your asses at the same time? HUH? Riddle me that! Besides, If I killed Palpatine - which I totally could do anytime I wanted, by the way - then I'd have to go looking for my own Sith apprentice. Yeesh! What a hassle."
Obi Wan: "Oh. Is that the real reason? Or isn't it that you're just scared of getting your ass kicked by the Emperor? You're just a big fat fraidy cat! And it's not like there isn't a veritable pool of millions of potential Sith apprentice candidates to choose from. What about all of those stormtroopers who call you 'Padawan Vader' behind your back? Surely at least ONE of them are Force sensitive, now that they're not just a bunch of retarded clones anymore."
Darth Vader: "WHAT? You... that's not true, you just made that up! Your powers are weak, old man!"
Obi Wan: "Yeah? Who's the Jedi Master here, and who's the pathetic Sith apprentice?"
Darth Vader: "At least I'm not the one who's been hiding in a cave on Tatooine for two decades. I'VE been ruling the Galactic Empire!"
Obi Wan: "HA! Now that's hilarious. NEWS FLASH, Darth! Palpatine, aka THE EMPEROR, is the one who's been ruling the Galactic Empire. In fact, according to the political hierarchy of the Empire, aren't you supposed to be Vice Emperor, or something? Yet, from what I've heard, this... Grand Moff Tarkin - who you totally outrank, by the way - has you by the short and curlies. Do you deny that Grand Moff Tarkin is, in fact, holding your leash? Why do you think the Emperor put you on a leash and gave it to Tarkin to begin with? Maybe to keep you from Force choking every valuable, high ranking official who happens to piss you off at board meetings by pointing out, and rightly so, your sad devotion to The Dark Side of The Force? How humiliating!"
Darth Vader: "Why you! You... ancient, shriveled up, petrified Jawa turd..."
Obi Wan: "Come on Darth. You used to be kinda cool, but ever since you turned to The Dark Side, you wield your power like a youngling throwing a temper tantrum. And I don't need to use The Force to sense that you've shit your suit. My olfactory senses can perform that function without any help, thank you. So, is it possible for you to at least try to retain some dignity?"
...awkward silence...
Darth Vader: "Aw, fuck it! Very well. You're right, it's humiliating. PLUS, this recently acquired knowledge of a previously undetected Retarded Side of The Force, which has apparently been hiding in plain sight for thousands of generations of both Sith and Jedi, has me somewhat discombobulated. BUT! I don't even have to SMELL it to know that you've also shit YOUR garments. There's a freshly laid turd, right at your feet."
Obi Wan: "What? Where? I..."
Darth Vader: "I'm looking at it right now. WHOOPS! Uh oh, you just stepped in your own shit! HA!"
Obi Wan: "Oh, yuck... Ok, ok! This bickering is pointless. I think we've both established clearly that neither of us ever, ever ever EVER had an inkling that there was a Retarded Side of The Force."
Darth Vader: "And also that we've both apparently shat our robes, as a consequence of the shock upon receiving this new revelation."
Obi Wan: "Yes, I suppose so. Unlike the Retarded Side of the Force, the smell of shit is impossible NOT to notice."
Darth Vader: "Impossible NOT to notice unless you've already stepped in it! BWAHAHA!"
...meanwhile...
Luke: "Wait a minute. What's Ben doing over there? Who's that other guy? Ohmygod! Are they fighting laser swords at each other??"
Han Solo: "Blast the door, kid! Hey, where's that princess of yours... Huh? Say again, Chewie? Oh, Lord have mercy. Hey, your Royal Majesticfullness! Quit farting around over there, the Millennium Falcon is THIS WAY!"
Princess Leia: "Somebody has to save our skins!"
Han Solo: "WHAT THE FUCK? You're just firing your blaster, over and over, set on STUN! for Gods' sake, at the same door that the kid just blasted!"
Princess Leia: "Somebody has to save our skins!"
Han Solo: "Oh my God. Chewie! Go grab that nut and put her on the Falcon! Lock her in the smuggling compartment."
Chewie: "Arrgghllgglle!"
Princess Leia: "Somebody has to save our... Hey! Lemme go, you big walking carpet!"
Chewie: "Blarrgghllgglle!"
Han Solo: "You said it, Chewie."
Princess Leia: "Excuse me??"
Threepio: "If I may, Princess Leia, I believe Chewbacca just referred to you as 'One Royal Pain in the Ass'!"
Princess Leia: "WHAT? I was trying to save our skins... :::GASP:::! You came in that thing? You're even stupider than I thought!"
...meanwhile, meanwhile...
Luke: "Ben! Come on, we're about to escape!"
Obi Wan: "Run Luke, Run! Darth and I have suddenly discovered much more important things to... uh, talk about. And we both need to change our garments! That's definitely going to take a while. Anyway, go on, I'll catch up! Hurry! Don't worry, I'll be safe."
Luke: "Uh, ok, if you say so, Ben.
Threepio: "Now that things have calmed down considerably, would it be proper to suggest that Artoo should reactivate the garbage mashers on the detention level? Artoo? The computers, please?"
Artoo: "Tweet!" (I'm not permitted in there, it's restricted.)
Threepio: "Why, you malfunctioning little twerp!"
...uncomfortable silence...
Darth Vader: "Uh, what exactly is my old protocol droid doing here? I specifically programmed that thing for etiquette and protocol, and for helping mom around the house. Shouldn't it at least be helping SOMEBODY around the house? Or doing etiquette and protocol somewhere?"
Obi Wan: "Nevermind! Just try to forget that shiny, solid gold plot hole for now. And the other one too, that Artoo unit. Hell, I don't even remember ever owning a droid, but R2D2 claims that we were best friends for years during the Clone Wars... anyway, this sudden appearance of a Retarded Side of The Force is of much more import. You see, I don't think it's an accident that we've both been made aware of a retarded nature of The Force just now, simultaneously. I sense the presence of my old Master, Qui Gon Jin - yes, he is communicating with us through the Living Force! He's, uh, over there. Yeah, crouched behind the soda machine. His Force Ghost! Do you see him, Darth?"
Darth Vader: "Ah. Yes, I see his Force Ghost. So, Qui Gons' spirit managed to endure after getting his ass handed to him by Darth Maul?"
Obi Wan: "That's hardly fair. That red, transparent force field closed right before I got there, or else we would have turned that butt-ugly demon looking thing into pimento loaf."
Darth Vader: "Maybe you should have used Force speed. Remember when you guys did that to run away from the Droidekas thirty years ago, on that Trade Federation ship?"
Obi Wan: "I was still a padawan then!"
Darth Vader: "Not according to the opening title crawl, which specifically mentions TWO Jedi Knights. So does that protocol Droid, TC-14 - 'The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I believe.' I'm pretty sure that's what it said to Nute Gunray. Oh. And the tea that TC-14 brought you could have been poisoned, you know. That was really stupid when both of you guys just slurped it right on down, especially considering that mere moments later, poisonous gas was being pumped blatantly into the waiting room, where both of you were so nonchalantly slurping down that tea!"
Obi Wan: "Whatever."
Darth Vader: "Well. I don't see why Qui Gon gets to live forever as a Force Ghost. For a Jedi Master, he wasn't exactly ethical. He basically lied and cheated the whole time he was on Tatooine."
Obi Wan: "Darth, shhhh! Qui Gon is trying to tell me something! He's saying... Everything that he did on Tatooine all those years ago to acquire a new hyperdrive - all the begging, borrowing, drinking, smoking, bragging, showing off his lightsaber, throwing it like a boomerang in barber shops, racial insults, calling Jabba the Hutt a swollen garbage bag, picking fights with little kids, walking out on bar tabs, lying, cheating at Chinese checkers, stealing, shitting in public, pissing in peoples' hats, coughing up loogies and spitting them into the public cistern, soothsaying, slandering, witchcraft, drug dealing, poaching, bounty hunting, pirating, profiteering, pillaging, kidnapping, pimping, raping, human and alien trafficking, torture, dismemberment, murdering jawas and sand people for sport, serial killing, assassinating, propaganda, political intrigue, weapons dealing, backstabbing, double dealing, treason, warmongering, wanton misuse of The Force, unsolicited telemarketing, practical jokes, outright jackassery, blaming his farts on other people, ALL OF IT - was because, unbeknownst to him, he was being manipulated by the Retarded Side of the Force! And that Jar Jar Binks was the source of it!"
Darth Vader: "Jar Jar Binks? I always hated that retarded creature. Ok, yeah. If there's a Retarded Side of The Force, it's definitely lingering around that thing."
Obi Wan: "Say again, Qui Gon? Uh... you sure about that? Absolutely sure? Well, ok, I guess. Hey Darth, you're not going to like this. Qui Gon says that we both need to kill each other, right now! He promises that we'll both be Force Ghosts! He says -"
Darth Vader: "WHAT?!"
Obi Wan: "Just hang on and let me explain. Ok. Remember when Jar Jar Binks was the Senator for Naboo - I can see you rolling your eyes inside that helmet, Darth. I know, ridiculous, right? Go figure. Anyway, remember that one time when Jar Jar referred to the entire Senate as 'Dellow Felagates'?"
Darth Vader: "Ohmygod, yes. I hadn't even teamed up with the Dark Side yet when that happened, and I still wanted to throttle that retarded creature."
Obi Wan: "Yeah, me too! But right after that, remember when Jar Jars' fried, smoking carcass was found outside the Senate building with his tongue wrapped around that negative power flux coupling?"
Darth Vader: "Oh yeah, I remember that, too! I was so happy that Jar Jar had somehow, against all odds, finally managed to murder himself. Good times, good times!"
Obi Wan: "Yup, good times. Anyway, here's what Qui Gon is saying. Right after Jar Jar said that - WHAT? Holy shit...ohmygod, it was Senator Palpatine! HE murdered Jar Jar with Force lightning, simply for uttering something so unforgivably retarded on galaxy-wide 3V!"
Darth Vader: "WOW! You know, there was always something I liked about that guy."
Obi Wan: "Yeah. He's a Sith Lord, you jackass! Wait... Uh huh. WHAT? Oh shit. Hey Darth. You're not gonna believe this, but it turns out that Jar Jar Binks was a Retarded Force Master, and he lives on as a Retarded Force Ghost! He won't leave any of the Jedi Force Ghosts or the Sith Force Ghosts alone in the Force Ghost Realm. He's driving them all batshit insane! Qui Gon says that only through our combined might as Force Ghosts can Jar Jar Binks, a Retarded Force Ghost, finally be permanently murdered!"
Darth Vader: "Wow. A Retarded Force Ghost? Good grief. Ok, but can I at least change out of this shit stained suit first?"
Obi Wan: "It won't matter after we're dead. Qui Gon has just now promised that we'll both leave our shit stained garments behind, once we're Force Ghosts!"
Darth Vader: "Oh, very well. Does Qui Gon have a plan as to how exactly we should go about this? This murdering of one another simultaneously?"
Obi Wan: "Well, the whole trick here is for both of us to die at exactly the same moment. This is very important! So, the way I see it, we have two choices. First, we'd need to contrive some type of device which would function, essentially, as a mutual murder/suicide machine. However, as I indicated earlier, precision is of the utmost importance! We both have to die within microseconds of one another, which will require some pretty fancy programming. I'm not a fancy programmer. Are you a fancy programmer, Darth?"
Darth Vader: "You know damn well I'm not a fancy programmer! Besides, even if I actually WAS a fancy programmer, we'd still need a fancy engineer to invent this ridiculous device. And before you ask, NO, I'm not a fancy engineer either. I don't suppose you picked up a fancy engineering degree while you were gathering dust for decades on Tatooine, my old Master?"
Obi Wan: "No, I'm not a fancy engineer, you smarmy bastard."
Darth Vader: "You said there were two choices. What's the second choice?"
Obi Wan: "Well. Since neither one of us are fancy programmers or fancy engineers, our only other choice is either mutual murder, or mutual suicide. We can do it on a count of three. Personally, I'm kind of leaning toward mutual suicide."
Darth Vader: "Why is it that you persist on believing that I just fell off of the turnip truck yesterday? There's no way in hell I'm trusting you to ignite your lightsaber on a count of three, especially if we're committing mutual suicide! Besides, didn't you say that accuracy within a microsecond was the whole key here? Either way, I'm the only one capable of counting down from 3 to 1 in microseconds, due to my cybernetic implants. What are you going to do? Just switch that thing on and hope everything turns out all right? Heh. A count of three. Really? Kind of makes your superior intellect seem rather retarded, doesn't it?"
Obi Wan: "Dammit... Oh snap! Hang on Darth. Luke! Hey, Luke!"
...meanwhile, again...
Luke: "WHAT? We're trying to escape the Death Star over here."
Obi Wan: "Luke! Slow down! Don't do any running yet!"
Luke: "But you just said -"
...interrupting...
Darth Vader: "Luke! Before you go running off like a wild lunatician, do what Obi Wan says. Trust me Luke, I'm your father."
Luke: "No. NO! THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"
Darth and Ben together: "GOOD GRIEF."
Darth Vader: "Luke! Son. I really didn't want to have to break it to you like this. You see, I had this really cool plan all set up and ready for the next movie. A father-son bonding session, so to speak, with this really kick-ass lightsaber battle between the two of us. I was gonna take it real easy on you and just chop off your right arm, a little below the elbow, then let you escape. See? Then after that, you'd have a cybernetic hand just like mine, to remember me by!"
Luke: "That sounds like a shit plan to me. So, were you going to just keep on chopping off little pieces of me, one at a time, every time we got together?"
Darth Vader: "Well, yeah. That was the idea. But I guess we can just flush those plans down the commode now."
Luke: "Ben! He's lying, right?
Obi Wan: "Search your feelings Luke, you know it to be true."
Luke: "But you said that Darth Vader betrayed and murdered my father!"
...interrupting...
Threepio: "I'm truly sorry to interrupt a family quarrel, but under the present circumstances, should I reactivate the trash compactors on the detention level myself? Artoo seems to have picked up a slight flutter. In fact, he's acting like an overweight glob of grease! And it would only be polite..."
Everyone together: "SHUT UP, THREEPIO!"
Artoo: "Chirp!" (LOL)
Threepio: "Just you reconsider reactivating the garbage mashers on the detention level for them!"
Artoo: "Blippity bloop." (Oh very well, you mindless philosopher.)
Threepio: "Don't get technical with me!"
Artoo: "BLAP!" (Shut up, I'm about to get technical.)
Threepio: "You know Artoo, I don't think anybody likes you at all. And no, I don't like you either."
Artoo: " Bloop." (LOL. I don't give a rats ass)
...short pause...
Obi Wan: "CAN I CONTINUE NOW? Have all the tractor beams been shut down, the garbage mashers on the detention level reactivated, and the doors sufficiently blasted?"
PA Announcement: "CLOSE THE BLAST DOORS! CLOSE THE BLAST DOORS!"
Luke: "The blast doors haven't been blasted yet."
Obi Wan: "Good! Now, Luke. What I told you was from MY point of view, NOT yours. And don't tell me that you're not glad to be off of that hell hole of a planet. YOU'RE the one who expressed the wish to be teleported off that rock, remember? And wow! Now look at you, following old Obi Wan on some damned-fool, idealistic crusade like your father did! You're on a space station the size of a MOON, for crissake, when just a few hours ago you were bitching and moaning about finding Artoo and high tailing it to the south ridge to fix those condensers, under the threat of 'Hell To Pay!' by that asshole uncle of yours."
Luke: "Well. Ok, the last few hours HAVE been pretty frikin' awesome. Oh, and there's also this hella fine chick that we just rescued..."
Obi Wan: "Don't even go there, Luke. You're a hick fresh off the moisture farm, and she's a Princess! Oh yeah. She's also your sister."
Luke: "Huh? Wait, what? You mean, I'm a PRINCE?"
Darth Vader: "HUH? WAIT, WHAT? You mean I have a daughter, TOO? Obi Wan! Do you have any idea how close I was to executing her, my own DAUGHTER, before you guys showed up? I mean, I'd just finished spending hours, happily torturing her... my own DAUGHTER! Why did you never tell me? Do you have any idea how much it would have simplified things, knowing that Princess Leia was my DAUGHTER? Plus, I have visitation rights too, you know! Just because I'm Darth Vader -"
Obi Wan: "OH FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHUT UP! Now Luke, here's what you have to do. Once you escape in the Millenium Falcon, line up in that huge trench that goes around the Death Star, and fire a proton torpedo right into the small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port!"
Darth Vader: "Hey, that's the whole reason why I've been going to all this trouble, so he wouldn't know that!"
Obi Wan: "Do you want to be an Eternal Force Ghost, or don't you? This is the only way we can trust each other to die at the exact same time!"
Darth Vader: "Well... Dammit! Ok. Luke! Do what Obi Wan says! Use the Force, Luke! I don't care which side. Just use it! Huh? Oh yeah, don't use the Retarded Side! And remember, don't try to have sex with Princess Leia! She's your sister!"
Luke: "Rats... Ok, I'll do it. But only because YOU asked me to, dad. Ben, you lied to me. Fuck you, man. Oh yeah. And It's Prince Skywalker to you, from now on."
...moments pass...
Darth Vader: "They should have blown up this thing by now."
Obi Wan: "Yes, puzzling. Maybe they didn't have any proton torpedoes?"
Darth Vader: "Hmmm. Say, maybe we should rethink..."
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.
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KABOOM!!!
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Darth Vader: "Well, whaddya know! I'm a Force Ghost!"
Obi Wan: "Me too!"
Qui Gon: "Hurry! Let's combine our Force powers before..."
Jar Jar Binks: "Meesa so glad to see you, Little Ani! You too, Master Obi! Oh what fun weesa gonna have for ALL ETERNITY!"
Qui Gon: "SHIT!"
Darth Vader: "Why do I suddenly feel so retarded?"
Obi Wan: "Because we've both been had! Tricked, by the Retarded Side of the Force!"
All together: "NOOOOOOOO........!"
Jar Jar Binks: "Meesa so glad we all together now! Was bombad mood before, but now weesa all have forever to beesa bestest friends!"
Obi Wan: "...Uh. Is it possible for a Force Ghost to commit suicide?"
Qui Gon: "YEESH!"
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SEE? NOW, AT THE END, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
I feel as though I've sufficiently demonstrated, by the application of logic, circumstantial evidence, and through the sheer Force of imagination, that the Retarded Side of The Force exists, and that it explains almost EVERYTHING that's wrong with The Phantom Menace. And also every single Star Wars movie since Return of the Jedi, as a matter of fact!
As to why I just went to so much trouble to explain the hidden truth behind a shit movie... well, I did mention earlier that because of this movie, I'm FUCKED IN THE HEAD. Permanently. Anyway, that's as good an explanation as any for why I do the things I do.
Plus, I simply can't ignore this added bonus!
Since I'm the only one who's ever actually detected the retarded side of the Force, that means I'm FORCE SENSITIVE! Even now, I can feel the Force flowing through me! I mean, I think I can...
Yup, that's definitely it! The Force! But... why do I suddenly feel so retarded?
OH, HELL NAW! I'm Force sensitive to the retarded side of the Force??
WAIT A MINUTE! THIS SUCKS!
