Shootout at Dumbshit Gulch!

"Howdy, pardners!"

"The name's Terd Bergleson, but most folks jist call me Old Stinky. Dunno how come, and I cain't larn the which-a-why of it to ya when I ain't never larnt it fer myself, so it aint no good askin' me."

"What I can larn ya," said Terd, "If'n ya got some time to chew the fat with an olden broken down fart like me, is the sad story of Big Drake McDork and Prance Goofus, the two most afear'd bounty hunters this side of the west side of the Pecos, and how they done gone and met their untimely ends."

"So gather round and grab yer some wood, 'cause what I'm a'fixin to tell yer is the saddest yarn I ever done spunt!"
.
.
.
It were intolerable hot and dry on the day when Big Drake McDork and Prance Goofus finally went full on fisticuffs with the Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers at Dumbshit Gulch.

Terd Bergleson interrupted to supply some essential narration:

"Dumbshit Gulch were a place of local legend," Terd mentioned. "It sure ain't wrote down on no map, and if'n yer was to look fer it, closest you'd come to it is Bum-Fucked Egypt, accordin' to the yokels. But that's where this'n here story gits started, and also where it winds up in tragerdy."

Big Drake McDork and Prance Goofus, the two most afear'd bounty hunters this side of the narrow side of the north side of the Pecos, clambered up the gulch and stood, tall and proud, on the flat side of the gulch proper. They was both a-sweatin like stuck pigs, and with a purpose - to finally put an end to the Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers, the most afear'd coteri of ex-nus and hookers ever there was, that side of the other side of the long side of the Pecos.

Big Drake took a long gander.

"Well, here we are, Prance," he said. "We finally done made it... it's Dumbshit Gulch. This'n here's the spot where we's finally gonna put paid to those Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers!"

Prance turned his big dumb head hither and yon, mouth agape and eyes bulging with dumbshit ignarnce.

"Big Drake, what's a gulch?" Prance whoosper'd.

"Well, Prance," Big Drake replied with some irritation, "a gulch is the sound a feller makes when he croaks way out in the desert like this'n here where we's at right now, so obviously a gulch is a place where yer go to die, ya dumbshit."

Prance stared at Big Drake fer a spell, and finally a slow unnerstandin' crawled across his big stupid face.

"Ooooh...!" Prance crowed. "You mean they's gonna die though, right? The Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers? Not us, huh? Not us, right? Right, Big Drake? Not us, huh? Huh?"

Big Drake popped Prance a good'n with the back side of his hand, right upside the kisser.

"Shut the fuck up Prance, before you get us kilt!" growled Big Drake.

Prance stared at the ground like he was a-prospectin' somethin' forever beyond his ken, like algebry homework.

"Oh, sorry, Big Drake," Prance mumbled like an idgit. "I'm stoopid."

"Yeah, and you're also a faggot," Big Drake muttered sideways outta his mouth. "Now listen here... there's the Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers, I can see one of em now! We need to find some place to hide, so's we kin ambush em!"

Prance cast about like a rabbit, all panicked-like. "But Big Drake, there ain't nothin' around which whence for us ta hide bee-hind! The closest bush is a half mile yonder!"

Big Drake thwocked Prance upside the back of his noggin. "Shut up, ya fuckin fairy. I can see that! Just keep yer pie hole closed, and foller my lead."

Prance proceeded to a-jumpin' up and down like a young'n on his first coon hunt. "Yeah!" he whoosper'd.

"Now jist stand real still..."

Prance quit his jumpin' right quick and in a hurry. "I'm standin Big Drake, I'm standin!"

"Good. Now, steady... steady... here they come, from all sides."

"I see em Big Drake, I see em!" hollered Prance.

"Shut the fuck up, you roont headed feeb! They'll hear ya! Now... careful, they cain't see us unless we move."

Suddenly...

BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!

Terd resumed his narration.

"Against all odds, the Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers done got the drop on Big Drake McDork and Prance Goofus! Our heroes is mortal wounded, and in a bad way!"

Prance looked down at his belly. His innards was all slung out and hangin' from his gut like an octerpus. He tried to shove 'em back in, but they was all slimy in his hands and he kept steppin' on 'em and trippin'. Finally he fell over on his back and stared up at the sky, his big dumb face just a-light with horror.

"Big Drake, I'm shot!" he caterwauled.

Big Drake thundered, "I'm the one that's shot, you fuckin' homo!"

Prance cocked his head to the side and seen Big Drake a-lying there, with half his head blowed clean off.

"I think we's both shot!" hollered Prance. Big Drake stuck his finger into his noggin and dug out a .45 slug, along with a sizable fair chunk of brains. He chucked the brains at Prance.

"Goddammit, Prance!" he croaked.

"I'm sorry, Big Drake! I'm sorry!"

The last thing they both heard was the Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers laughing their silly asses off. And then...

GULCH!

The End.

Shootout at Dumbshit Gulch, part 2!

"Howdy folks! Some of yer might already know me... the name's Terd Bergleson, but most folks jist call me Old Stinky. I gots no idear why."

Terd continued.

"The last time we left our heroes, big Drake McDork and Prance Goofus, the most afear'd bounty hunters right smack-dab in the middle of the Pecos, they had jist been shot ter pieces by that dirty gang of streetwalkers, The Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers, the most afear'd coterie of ex-nuns and hookers that ever terrorized the short end of the Pecos."

Terd paused fer dramatic effect...

"Now let's git back ter our heroes!"

So there they was, in a bad way, both of 'em just a-lyin' there in the wide-open middle of Dumb Shit Gulch and shot ter pieces...

Terd interrupted:

"Turns out though, neither one of 'em was shot after all! Our heroes may be tough, but they shore is stupid, ain't they? And it's a good thang nobody never done taught that wild pack of ex-nuns and hookers how to shoot straight!"

So, after the Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers done went and fucked off to the Blue Hills ter shoot down some other hapless victims, our heroes Big Drake McDork and Prance Goofus realized that they wasn't shot after all, and Big Drake slowly got ter his feet.

"Big Drake, I think I ain't shot at all!" Prance gibbered as he laid there, spread eagle in the sand.

"Prance, you fuckin' homo, git yer silly ass up! Ain't neither of us been shot!"

Prance slowly got to his feet, shook the sand off'n his brush-popper, then stood there lookin' down at his boots.

"Big Drake, it hurts my feelins when you call me a homo. You know I gots me a wife and kids back at the homestead."

Big Drake thwacked Prance a good one, right upside his noggin.

"Prance, I ain't callin' you a homo 'cause I think yer homosexeral! Homo is short fer homo erectus, which is just about the dumbest caveman that ever done walked the earth, and you is jist as dumb as one of them bumblin' troglodytes!"

Prance spint a good couple of seconds a-studyin' his boots again.

"Oh! I'm sorry Big Drake. I'm stoopid.'

"Yeah, and yer also a faggot. Now git to gatherin' some sticks, we needs us some firewood."

Prance got to a-gatherin' up some firewood in silence. After he'd got a big bundle tied up, he hefted it onter his back and turned to Big Drake.

"Big Drake, that hurts my feelins when you call me a faggot. You know I gots me a wife and kids back at the homestead."

Big Drake whacked Prance right upside the other side of his noggin.

"Prance, I ain't callin' you a faggot 'cause I think yer a homosexeral. I'm a-callin' you a faggot 'cause yer just as skinny as that thar bundle of sticks that you gots tied to yer back, and faggot is jist another word that means a big bundle of sticks, you dumb faggot!"

Prance stood there for several minutes, his brain processin' this new information like an abacus. Finally he mumbled:

"Sorry big Drake. I'm stoopid."

"Yeah, and yer also a troglodyte."

At this, Prance actually looked thoughtful.

"Big Drake, I done heard you a-sayin' that thar word a while ago. What's a troglodyte, Big Drake?"

Big Drake sighed.

"Let me explain all of this to yer, from homos to faggots to troglodytes, real careful like, once and fer good. You see Prance, out of all the homos that ever existed in this'n here world, you qualify more as one of them homo erectus cavemen 'cause yer as stupid as a caveman. That's why I called yer a troglodyte, because a troglodyte is a stupid caveman. Git it?"

"Ooooooh..."

'Shut up Prance, I'm tryin' to 'splain this homo thing out of the way so that you and everybody else unnerstands why I call yer a fuckin' homo."

Big Drake inhaled a gigantic breath and continued.

"Now, here's the thang with the homos. Fer millions of years this'n here planet has been just packed solid with all kinds of homos. Homos clamberin' up mountains, homos climbin' trees, homos pissin' in the forest, homos gettin' it on like homos have always done did since thar ever was even a-such a thing as a homo, and makin' more homos while thar at it. Ya hear what I'm sayin', Prance?"

Prance stood there with that big faggot on his back fer a long time, jist a-lookin' as dumb as a bag of hammers. Then a wide grin split his face.

"I hear it Big Drake, I hear it!"

"Good. Now, out of all the homos on this'n here planet - them which was, and them which still is - them which was is the homo erectus, homo habilis, homo neanderthalensis, homo floresiensus, homo heidelbergensis, and the homo naledi - plus Lord knows how many other kinds of homos that used to walk the Earth a million gazillion years ago. Yer followin' me so far Prance, you big fuckin' fairy?"

"I foller ya Big Drake, I foller ya! But, you know, it hurts my feelins when you call me a fairy. You know I gots me a wife and kids back at the homestead."

Big Drake shook his head.

"Prance, I swear yer as dumb as a boulder. That thar was a compliment! Ain't you never read Peter Pan? Tinkerbell's a fairy and she's the hero of the whole damn book! I swar, you try'n be nice ter somebody and they think yer a homophobic."

"Sorry big Drake," mumbled Prance. "I'm stoopid."

"Yeah and you also look like a faggot with that thar faggot on yer back. If you weren't a bag of bones, I'd swar you was a bag of sticks. Now git to humpin' that faggot, we got miles to go if we're gonna make it out of Dumb Shit Gulch before the sun goes down!"

Big Drake McDork and Prance Goofus got to humpin' and Big Drake continued his explanation.

"Now, out of all them homos which is in the here-and-now, we gots two kinds of homos - the homo sapiens and the homosexerals. The homosexerals is also homo sapiens, by the way. They's men who like to lay with one a-nother. I know that's a hard concept to knock through that rock hard noggin of yers, but do you git it, Prance?"

Prance stood there fer a long while with that giant faggot on his back. Finally, he exclaimed:

"I git it Big Drake, I git it!"

"Good! Now can we put this whole homo thang behind us, you fuckin' homo?"

Prance grinned another face splittin' grin and shouted, "I'm a homo!"

Big Drake gave Prance a friendly pat on the shoulder, the kind that one non homosexeral man would give another non homosexeral man. "Now you git it, you fuckin' homo!"

After several hours of humping' through the desert, big Drake finally called a halt.

"Prance, why don't you quit humpin' that thar damn faggot you got perched on yer back, and let's set up a camp."

Prance exhaled deeply. "Whew! That faggot I've been a-humpin fer the past fifty miles was jist about ter break my back!" Prance unloaded the bundle of wood and soon had a fire goin'.

Big Drake laughed. "Now that's a flamin' faggot if I ever done seen one!"

Prance stood there slack-jawed fer a moment, then his face lit up like he had jist received an epiphany from God. Prance laughed out loud.

"Big Drake, you jist made a joke!"

Big Drake clapped Prance on the back.

"That I did, Prance, that I did! And you got it. I'm proud of yer!  Let's jist hope everybody else gits it and don't throw a goddamn hissy fit."

Big Drake and Prance sat there in front of the fire until it had burnt down ter embers.

"Big Drake," said Prance, "it gits cold in the desert at night, and there ain't no more faggots what with which ter set on fire!"

"Well Prance," replied Big Drake, "I guess that means you and me jist gots ter cuddle up together fer warmth."

Prance paused. "But Big Drake... wouldn't that be kind of queer fer two grown men to be alone out in this'n here desert, and all cuddled up together?"

"Well," Big Drake replied, "Some folks might think it's weird, but fuck em!"

THE END!

REALLY!