Saturday, February 19, 2011

Some words

I’m in love with someone now, and it pretty much hurts all the time… no, not always.  But it’s a constant pain.  How can I describe it?  It does hurt all the time, but it doesn’t.  Anyway.  I think of ways that I can change who I am, ways that I can not be myself, to try to be a person who she would love, and I always realize that would be fruitless.  It would just be wrong.  Either she loves me for who I am… either we are supposed to be together, or not.  It is what it is.

I despair sometimes because of it, because it hurts so bad.  Most people know what heartache feels like, so I’m probably not saying anything that’s completely foreign here.  But praying does help, because even though the love of God is hard to grasp, it’s there and it’s what we really need above all else.  Even above the love of the person who we love, who we think we need more than anything else.

When she broke up with me, I was basically dead for a while… that is, I didn’t really live, I just breathed and ate and moved and slept.  I walked around a lot.  I cried a lot, which was kind of like living.  I prayed a lot.  I discovered prayer because that’s all I knew to do, was to pray.  I found myself walking around one night, saying the Jesus Prayer over and over again, like it was a tape recorder in my chest just coming out of my mouth, set on repeat.  I wasn’t really conscious of it, I just decided to do it, and I shuffled around for miles and hours like that, saying it over and over, hundreds of times.

What happened was I stopped suddenly after a long time of doing this, and I felt like a curtain had been lifted from my face.  I felt a very soft, very very soft, but growing joy, growing in my heart.  It took about 5 minutes to grow up into something I recognized as ‘not dead’.  It got my attention and I started walking again, saying the prayer, realizing that I was saying it.  And it grew and grew and the joy grew and grew, and then I felt a pain in my heart.  It hurt in my heart, and I had to double over for a second and stop.  It hurt there, and it was joy too.

I walked home like this, full of joy and knowing that everything was ok, with this thing in my heart like a needle, poking it and making it hurt like a dull white hot fire.  But it was a good hurt.  If pain can be described as good, that’s what it felt like.  I walked home like that and went to bed when I got home, lying on my side, spasming now and then with the pain in my heart.  I went to bed with a joyous smile on my face, knowing that God had given me His promise and was counting on me to remember it.

That time has passed and despair is here again a lot, but I remember that promise.  I know it’s possible to feel God’s joy.  That was the greatest gift I’ve ever received, and I believe.

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