Saturday, May 21, 2011

For posterity.

Sometimes I look at myself, and I think... I'm an idiot, I guess.  Deficient.  Something is wrong with me.  I'm not doing it right.  I got left behind.  I'm retarded.  I never grew up.  I'm a slob.  I'm a junkie.  I'm a waste.  I have aspergers syndrome.  Or, even worse... Ass Burgers Syndrome.  And, when my mom dies, I'm gonna stay in bed forever. 

I'm 40 years old, I have a worthless degree, I owe $35,000.00 to the government (man, that just makes it worse... I owe it to the GOVERNMENT), plus about $5,000.00 in taxes that I owe to... guess who?  The Tax Fairy!  Yeah, the gubmint.  Oh.  And here's the fun part (wheeeee)!  In my 40 years of life... that's 40, mind you, count 'em, 40... years of life,  I have managed to land the coveted job of Ass. Manager at 7-Eleven.  Think about that for a second, will ya?  Imagine that you're 40, living in the land of opportunity, the home of the free and the land of the brave and the refuge of the retarded, and your job title begins with the word ASS.  Oh, wait, this is even better... imagine you're me, and that all of this is true. 

I've even been fired from this job before.  Huh?  DO WHA?  WHADDYASAY?  Yeah, you heard me.  Fired.  I'm so anti-awesome that when I get shitcanned from a shit job, the next job I get is the exact same shit job, doing the same shitty thing for the same shit heels that shitcanned me the first time.  That takes a special kind of 'special', folks.  Oh, and just in case that wasn't completely craptacular, here's the clincher.  Once I actually tthought :::snigger::: that I was :::guffaw::: gonna get :::choke, sob, wheeze::: MARRIED!  (GASP, sigh, pfffttthhhhbt)

Imagine that!  Me, a husband, father and provider!  A normal person!  A regular Joe, with the wifey and kiddoes and church on Sundays and spaghetti Fridays!  ME!  Can you believe that shit?  Can you imagine it?  I actually kinda sorta almost seriously thought that was gonna happen once!  It was like the ultimate Shaggy Dog Joke!  It's ummm... lets see, what's a good example... ah, here's one.  It's like when Buggs Bunny dresses up like a girl bunny and puts on a wedding dress, and Elmer Fudd see's him and thinks he's an actual human girl in cartoonland, and he's convinced he's found THE ONE , he actually thinks he's in love and is gonna get married and that his dreams are coming true, when... MOTHERFUCKINGBAM!  Elmer Fudd, you dumbass, you can't marry a bunny rabbit!  That shit just ain't gonna happen, because men and bunny rabbits don't get married!  It goes against the LAWS OF NATURE, you MORON!

So anywho, yeah.  Kind of like that.

Hey, but I'm ok.  It helps to look on the bright side... I probably have fewer years ahead of me than I have behind me, and that's a relief, lemme tell you.  And just in case I completely lose my shit and toss all of my marbles and join the Tri Lambda Bananas some day, which I believe is entirely possible (but I won't go into that right now), I blame society, about 3/8 of my childhood, Southern Baptists, the daughters of small town insurance salesmen, and a lack of white milk in my diet.  For posterity.

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