Friday, July 29, 2011

I wonder

Over a year ago, at a point of abject despair, God reassured me that everything is going to be all right.  Then, some time later, He instructed me to be patient, to accept that things are the way they are, and to trust in Him.  I think that means that He has a plan for me and an ultimate object or goal or destination for my life, and that it's not time for it yet... maybe not by a long shot.  Occasionally I am very happy for seemingly no reason, and I'm thankful for these little glimpses of peace and joy and the knowledge of what is possible.  Sometimes though I get very depressed, and I despair, and I'll even teeter on the verge of just throwing away all of my faith, and I wonder what the heck I think I'm doing, and I feel like an idiot.  But then I remember those three things... patience, acceptance and trust.  That means I'm probably gonna have to wait, and in the meantime, I'm not going to instantly be happy, or at peace, or good or saint-like or even close to any of those things.  I'm going to keep trying but I'll continue to fall again and again, and I'll kick myself again and again, and struggle on and on, and fail continuously... that's the way it is, and it's a hard fact to accept, but wasn't that what my life was like before all of this?  And here I am now, somehow still doing life, and in a way I never imagined and never would have remotely considered three years ago, and I'm not dead from an overdose or in jail or homeless, and things have definitely been worse.  I wonder what's waiting for me.  Simple happiness based on a sudden realization or understanding some day?  A lifetime of despair and pain, but continuous hope and accrued wisdom and finally true faith on my deathbed?  Finally a woman who is right for me, just perfectly right, who fits into my life and is ok with all of my flaws, who actually wants my love and accepts it and understands it and and loves me that way too?  A family?  A monastery?  Or maybe illness or an accident or even death?  I dunno.  I do know that I have to refer to those three things... four, actually... often, because otherwise I'll lose all hope.  That's what they're for, I think, to carry me forward until whatever God has planned is revealed to me.  Maybe I'll have to wait another 25 years, like I did the first time around.  Until then... patience, I guess, and acceptance of my problems and failings and imperfections and sadness, and trust in God's plan, and faith that everything will be all right.  I have to believe that... there isn't any choice, except the choice to have no free will as far as faith is concerned.  It's the only way I can keep hold of it.

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