Saturday, May 21, 2011

For posterity.

Sometimes I look at myself, and I think... I'm an idiot, I guess.  Deficient.  Something is wrong with me.  I'm not doing it right.  I got left behind.  I'm retarded.  I never grew up.  I'm a slob.  I'm a junkie.  I'm a waste.  I have aspergers syndrome.  Or, even worse... Ass Burgers Syndrome.  And, when my mom dies, I'm gonna stay in bed forever. 

I'm 40 years old, I have a worthless degree, I owe $35,000.00 to the government (man, that just makes it worse... I owe it to the GOVERNMENT), plus about $5,000.00 in taxes that I owe to... guess who?  The Tax Fairy!  Yeah, the gubmint.  Oh.  And here's the fun part (wheeeee)!  In my 40 years of life... that's 40, mind you, count 'em, 40... years of life,  I have managed to land the coveted job of Ass. Manager at 7-Eleven.  Think about that for a second, will ya?  Imagine that you're 40, living in the land of opportunity, the home of the free and the land of the brave and the refuge of the retarded, and your job title begins with the word ASS.  Oh, wait, this is even better... imagine you're me, and that all of this is true. 

I've even been fired from this job before.  Huh?  DO WHA?  WHADDYASAY?  Yeah, you heard me.  Fired.  I'm so anti-awesome that when I get shitcanned from a shit job, the next job I get is the exact same shit job, doing the same shitty thing for the same shit heels that shitcanned me the first time.  That takes a special kind of 'special', folks.  Oh, and just in case that wasn't completely craptacular, here's the clincher.  Once I actually tthought :::snigger::: that I was :::guffaw::: gonna get :::choke, sob, wheeze::: MARRIED!  (GASP, sigh, pfffttthhhhbt)

Imagine that!  Me, a husband, father and provider!  A normal person!  A regular Joe, with the wifey and kiddoes and church on Sundays and spaghetti Fridays!  ME!  Can you believe that shit?  Can you imagine it?  I actually kinda sorta almost seriously thought that was gonna happen once!  It was like the ultimate Shaggy Dog Joke!  It's ummm... lets see, what's a good example... ah, here's one.  It's like when Buggs Bunny dresses up like a girl bunny and puts on a wedding dress, and Elmer Fudd see's him and thinks he's an actual human girl in cartoonland, and he's convinced he's found THE ONE , he actually thinks he's in love and is gonna get married and that his dreams are coming true, when... MOTHERFUCKINGBAM!  Elmer Fudd, you dumbass, you can't marry a bunny rabbit!  That shit just ain't gonna happen, because men and bunny rabbits don't get married!  It goes against the LAWS OF NATURE, you MORON!

So anywho, yeah.  Kind of like that.

Hey, but I'm ok.  It helps to look on the bright side... I probably have fewer years ahead of me than I have behind me, and that's a relief, lemme tell you.  And just in case I completely lose my shit and toss all of my marbles and join the Tri Lambda Bananas some day, which I believe is entirely possible (but I won't go into that right now), I blame society, about 3/8 of my childhood, Southern Baptists, the daughters of small town insurance salesmen, and a lack of white milk in my diet.  For posterity.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Dog shit

The other day I came home from East Texas and there was dog crap all over the house, especially in my room.  Julio probably thought he was leaving me gifts because he missed me so much.  Anywho, I cleaned it all up and was sitting at my desk later, and I kept smelling essence of doggie doo.  Wherefore art thou, my little butt dumplings ?  I looked everywhere; no wayward turds in sight.  Hmmm, thought I.  Then I had a revelation!  I grabbed my foot and turned it up, and sure enough... dog dookie, embedded in every crevice of my shoe tread.

So.  Off went the shoe, and out onto the back porch it went.  Not just the one shoe, mind you.  Both of 'em.  Can't have a single shoe lying around, knowing that it's brother is covered in shiznat.  They both have to be punished.  So, I left them out there, confident that the ca-ca  would just disappear on its own.  Hey, that's how I solve my problems, by ignoring them until they go away.  Stands to reason that it should work on dog poop.

So, it rained big time today.  Lots of rain, and lots of thunder.  I opened the back door to revel in it, and there were my shoes, all soaked and miserable looking.  Damn, thought I, my shoes are soaked... then I remembered the dog scheisse.  Could it be?  I could just see the bottom of my shoe from there... yup, it was all washed off.  Thanks mother nature, for cleaning the dog shit off of my shoe for me.  I owe you one.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

A dream - demon hoard

I was at church, and it was Christmas.  I was supposed to be singing in the choir, but I was in bed sick.  I was so tired.  I was lying on my right side, and I saw Fr. Justin reading Gospels.  The church was very brightly lit, all white inside, and beautiful.  I almost cried.  I turned onto my left side and saw the choir, singing.  I felt ashamed that I wasn't able to get out of bed and help, and I closed my eyes and listened.

After that we were all sitting and eating like we do after the liturgy.  I stood up and declared loudly, "I have to go home!"  I made to leave, and several people urged me to stay.  "It's Christmas," I said, "and I haven't even seen my family.  I have to go."  I departed reluctantly.

On the way home I cut across a parking lot.  A marching band was marching through, part of a Christmas parade.  I ran quickly between the ranks and almost knocked down a trombone player.  I had to get home.  I came to a steep ravine that I had to climb.  I climbed it with difficulty, and finally reached the top, only to find that I was at the bottom again.  I climbed up again, and the same thing happened... I wound up at the bottom.  I started climbing again, and I was suddenly lifted up by a kindly, generic looking young man.  I was alarmed and struggled a bit, and he said, "It's ok, I just want to help you."  He put me down halfway up the ravine, and I started to climb again.  When I was almost to the top, I couldn't climb the rest of the way, and he lifted me again.  The very top of the ravine was the roof of a house, and he started to deposit me onto it.  I protested and struggled again.  I was terrified of being set down on the roof.  He set me down on the ground and I was finally at the top of the ravine.  I started running again.

It had gotten dark.  I had to get home quickly, because I knew that a demon was waiting out in the field.  It's name was the Starflyer, and the name filled me with terror.  I had three blue candles... I had to get home and light them, they were the only thing that could stop it.  Something about the ritual, some holy quality to it, would stop the Starflyer.  I got home and set up the candles on the back porch.  Through the screen I could see far away, across the field, three red glowing eyes, arranged like a pyramid, staring at me, surrounded by blackness.  I quickly set up the candles... they were wet.  I tried to light them, and they were difficult to get going.  I finally got all of them lit, and I shouted, "There, I did it!  Go away!  Leave, you can't be here!"  The glowing red eyes didn't leave, and structure began to form around them in the blackness.  More red eyes appeared, hundreds, smaller and dimmer, all around the first three.  Silver webs connected them, which shined and seemed to flicker in and out of existence.  Then I saw a hoard approaching, running, coming forward.  Running towards the house.  Demons dressed in plate mail with square iron masks with no eye holes that covered the entire head.  Thousands of them, coming for me.  I didn't understand.  I heard them outside and ran to the back door and locked it.  Their voices were a quiet constant babble that didn't make any sense.  The door knob rattled and the lock began to turn.  I held the knob and the lock tightly.  I could see through the windows that the hoard was everywhere, streaming around the house like a flood of water, everywhere, millions and billions of them, covering the Earth.  I ran to the front door and bolted outside.  I was caught up in the stream of them and carried along.

Later everything was gray and there was no color in the world, and I was walking through desolate and deserted city streets.  I didn't see any demons, but I knew they were still here somewhere.  Someone was walking with me.  He was dressed in rags and bandages, and he said to me, "If you want to live through this, you'll have to wait it out in a cell, with the others."

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


It's funny how things change.  A little over a year ago, I was unemployed, confined to my room or the living room couch, spending all of my time either watching movies on my computer or sleeping.  My brother was the definition of purposeful activity... he was in grad school, had a job at the university teaching; always busy, providing.  He would come home to me either tucked away in my room or curled up on the couch, and he would fume.  A few times he exploded at me out of frustration.  It was a bad time.

Now the roles are reversed.  Matt is in his room 24/7.  He's not working, he dropped out of grad school, and I'm the busy one, the provider.  I paid all of the rent this month, barely.  I'll have to pay it again.  I know I won't have enough.  It'll get paid though.  We're lucky to have lenient landlords. 

I don't mind.  His not working or doing anything doesn't bother me like it did him.  We may have to go without electricity in the dead heat of the summer though.  Still... what's so bad about that?  Suffering is good for humility.

Right now we both have shelter, electricity, internet, and food.  Tomorrow will worry about itself.

The only thing I really ever worry about is... I don't know.  The day after tomorrow I guess.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


They like me, they think I'm cute
Those little girlies, those little girlies.
They came into the store today,
And they said to me, "What's your name?"
To which I said, "My name is Elias,"
Then they introduced themselves to me.
One was Kelly, the other Tracy,
Those little cuties, those little cuties.
Then they said, "We see you walking, all the time, all the time."
I said "Yeah, I walk a lot, I like to read, I like to read."
Then they said that they talk about me,
All the time, all the time.
"But don't worry, nothing bad.  Always good, always good!"
They said the next time they saw me walking,
"We'll scream your name, yeah, we'll scream your name!"
I said the next time that I'm out walking,
"I'll scream right back, yeah I'll scream right back!"

A fairy tale

Once upon a time a guy and a girl met, and they became connected with love.  However, neither of them really knew what to do with the wonderful thing they had, and so they made mistakes.  Over time the connection began to knot and fray... it eventually manifested as disinterested apathy for one, and selfish obsession for the other.  Instead of providing a passage for understanding and truth to flow between the two, the connection had become a conduit for pain and selfishness which flowed back and forth between them.  Eventually the connection began to twist, and the twisting hurt.  When they each tried to pull away from the pain, the connection which had began as love started to stretch.  Finally, the stress was too much and it broke in two.  After it broke and they weren't connected anymore, they both kind of just faded away from each others view. 

However, what had broken wasn't the original love which had connected the two.  It was an ugly, frayed and knotted rope which could only bind, restrict, and tighten.  But it couldn't do that anymore, not ever again.  When the big bad broke, it turned to dust and blew away.  Just like in a fairy tale.

And somebody, somewhere, lived happily ever after.


Monday, May 16, 2011