I was watching a video of a guy who was addicted to skydiving. He only lived for that moment when he was free-falling, and he described his obsession with skydiving as the result of living in darkness and trying to fill himself with something. Now I think of my life, and I realize that this is the case with myself - but even with this realization, there is no accompanying epiphany, according to what seems to me should be an obvious succession of events, to introduce a solution for this persistent state, of being lost and cut off from God - despite all of my efforts. Instead, I realize that I don't even have the first clue as to what anything means, or how to do anything at all. What if I die tomorrow? What if I don't have time to learn? And this is the topper. What's all this worrying about ME for anyway? Is that my only motivation for trying to find this... state of being? Because I'm worried about me? Why should I be so important, anyway? It seems like a pretty worthless thing for me to worry about, from my perspective, when there are other people to worry about. The only thing I think I know for sure is that prayer is the center which leads to the result which finally makes sense and isn't bad. But I don't even know how to do that. And jeez, doesn't all this sound self pitying and self serving? I thought I began writing this with a better intent. I'm just lost, lost, lost. I don't know anything.
This causes great fear to well up inside of me.