Thursday, January 19, 2012
There's a certain amount of shame involved when having to explain to the landlord why you're so late with the rent payment, why you're only handing over a little less than half of the amount due, and why you haven't said anything about it until now, 18 days into the month. Shame is the reason why you didn't say anything, and shame is what finally motivated you to hand over what money you did have, knowing that it wasn't even half of what was owed. Shame is what you felt in having to explain the reason why you didn't pay rent on the first, like you assured him that you would, which was because the government just happened to chose the beginning of this month to demand a 400 dollar student loan payment. You felt shame when explaining that you were the only one paying the bills right now because your brother is in Austin, helping your dad to recuperate from surgery. You felt shame because it sounded like you were just trying to make excuses. You're ashamed now because you're a grown man and you don't have enough money to live a basic, simple life. You're ashamed that those reasons have caused you so much shame, because those aren't even shameful reasons. But the shame persists, and the shame on top of shame, and it doesn't seem like there's a way for it to end.