Friday, January 20, 2012


I was watching a video of a guy who was addicted to skydiving. He only lived for that moment when he was free-falling, and he described his obsession with skydiving as the result of living in darkness and trying to fill himself with something. Now I think of my life, and I realize that this is the case with myself - but even with this realization, there is no accompanying epiphany, according to what seems to me should be an obvious succession of events, to introduce a solution for this persistent state, of being lost and cut off from God - despite all of my efforts. Instead, I realize that I don't even have the first clue as to what anything means, or how to do anything at all. What if I die tomorrow? What if I don't have time to learn? And this is the topper. What's all this worrying about ME for anyway? Is that my only motivation for trying to find this... state of being? Because I'm worried about me? Why should I be so important, anyway? It seems like a pretty worthless thing for me to worry about, from my perspective, when there are other people to worry about. The only thing I think I know for sure is that prayer is the center which leads to the result which finally makes sense and isn't bad. But I don't even know how to do that. And jeez, doesn't all this sound self pitying and self serving? I thought I began writing this with a better intent. I'm just lost, lost, lost. I don't know anything.

This causes great fear to well up inside of me.

Thursday, January 19, 2012


There's a certain amount of shame involved when having to explain to the landlord why you're so late with the rent payment, why you're only handing over a little less than half of the amount due, and why you haven't said anything about it until now, 18 days into the month.  Shame is the reason why you didn't say anything, and shame is what finally motivated you to hand over what money you did have, knowing that it wasn't even half of what was owed.  Shame is what you felt in having to explain the reason why you didn't pay rent on the first, like you assured him that you would, which was because the government just happened to chose the beginning of this month to demand a 400 dollar student loan payment.  You felt shame when explaining that you were the only one paying the bills right now because your brother is in Austin, helping your dad to recuperate from surgery.  You felt shame because it sounded like you were just trying to make excuses.  You're ashamed now because you're a grown man and you don't have enough money to live a basic, simple life.  You're ashamed that those reasons have caused you so much shame, because those aren't even shameful reasons.  But the shame persists, and the shame on top of shame, and it doesn't seem like there's a way for it to end.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Memento Mori

I just discovered this band by random accident the other day... a song of theirs was the fade out music (only about 20 seconds of it) for a little CGI film a dude made for a college project back in 2005, but 20 seconds was enough to convince me that it kicks all kinds of ass, up down and sideways.

Memento Mori - Is One Worth the Other?

The songs on Grooveshark aren't in order, so listen to them in this order because some of them blend together:

1. ... and On and On
2. The Texas Furlong
3. Dawn
4. Drifters
5. Words from a friend
6. Eleven/Fifteen
7. Petals Mark the Time
8. Ballad of Luke Hadley
9. On and On