Saturday, July 28, 2012

Same old shmame old

I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, and what God wants me to do with it. I know now that God put Leah into my life for the main purpose of leading me to Orthodoxy, and that we were never meant to be together - although I still hope, like a fool and against all reasoning, that things might change in the future. But she's living at a monastery now as a novitiate, and she's on her way to becoming a monastic, unless she changes her mind.   I should be happy for her.  And I am happy for her... but I'm sad for me too, and that makes this lingering issue concerning my feelings for her just utterly selfish

But things are different this time than they have been in the past, in similar situations.  It's been almost two and a half years since I lost her, and although the immediate incapacitating pain of a brand new broken heart has pretty much faded completely, my feelings haven't diminished for her at all. They've gotten stronger, if anything, and that lends itself to a different kind of pain. A dull pain which never changes and is always there, lingering permanently in the background of my thoughts and emotions; affecting everything I do or think or say in a miniscule way, and as a result I exist in a perpetual shadow of sadness.  I wish these feelings would just fade away, like they're supposed to, so I could feel normal again. I haven't felt normal since the fall of 2008.  I wonder what God's will is, that I should continue to feel this way with no relief.  The only thing I can think of is there's a lesson here that I haven't learned yet, because usually after two years I'm well on my way to being over a broken heart... and that ain't the case this time.  It always has been before, but not this time.

I hate to keep harping on and on about this.  It's getting old.  I feel embarrassed that this is still an issue for me, but I don't have any control over it.  I can't reprogram my emotions... or maybe I just don't know how.  The only thing I can do is write about it now and then.  As an outlet it I hope that it helps somewhat.  I dunno if it does, but it feels like I'm getting some of it out of me when I write about it.

An old friend

Today I received a message from a girl who I haven't seen or spoken to for a long time.  The previous century. Pretty much ancient history.  Back then I was in love with this girl, but she didn't love me and my heart was broken.  Not for the first time... it's the same old story, you know.  It's the way my relationships with girls have always been, or how they've eventually wound up.


In it, she... and I'm finding it hard to express this.  I dunno what to say, and I'm still feeling kind of spaced out and just kind of... I dunno.  Shocked, I guess.  Surprised.  Taken aback.  Blown away... in the message she expressed deep regret that she'd felt over the years, and she apologized for back then, for breaking my heart, for treating me the way she did.  And I feel... I dunno.  Weird.  Sad.  It hurt pretty bad back then, but that was a long time ago.  We had been good friends before our 'relationship', and because of it our friendship had been ruined.  And now, here it is, years and years later, and she sends me this message expressing all of this, and it's pretty emotional.  I dunno if I deserve this kind of expression from her.  It amazes me though.  Amazed.  That's a good word for how I feel.

And it's funny how right now I'm in another frazzle because of a completely different girl.  Life is weird, and it's stupid and it sucks sometimes, and stupid things happen in life that suck and cause regrets.   

Wednesday, July 25, 2012


Lum-dee-f'ing-dum.  Sigh.  Frikin frak!  Yeesh... yeesh-o-matic.  Big fat Yeesh-O-Rama. 

Dangit!  You know, you can get used to pain so that you don't really notice it that much anymore, but on the other hand, it just becomes more and more exhausting the longer it hangs around and lingers, like mildew that weighs a hundred pounds.  Just really really tiring, and smelly.  Smelly pain.  Goan now, git!  Scat!