I don't know a lot about what happened when I was baptized, or how God works in my life, or what the plan is, or much of anything at all. I'm pretty sure though that once I was baptized, things changed and I was no longer wandering aimlessly and without hope. I think that baptism might be a threshold - to put it simply - which is crossed. On the left side of the threshold, there are confusion and misdirection and anguish and despair and ignorance as the predominant properties. But on the right side, there are the Holy Spirit, and a plan, and love and guidance and the grace of God. Now, those things have to exist on the left side as well, or else how would anyone find their way over to the right side? Right?
The trick, or the
hard part to all of this, is being able to start moving in the right
direction to begin with... to the right, so that you have a chance of
crossing over that threshold (I think it starts with really really
wanting to, or wishing to). It's like... everything is flipped now,
like the complimentary colors of a negative and positive picture.
Despair and hope are flipped. It's hard to tell the difference though,
during the course of each day, because we're emotionally retarded when
it comes to knowing God (we're meaning I'm), so we (meaning I) confuse
hope and despair because they're not as easy to tell apart as green and
red, or blue and orange, or purple and yellow, or black and white. It's
hard to tell them apart, as stupid as that sounds.
The way I'm
describing this is like baby talk, I know. But it's these little
realizations I have which occur to me in baby talk every now and then
that help to keep me from drowning in despair. Knowing the difference
between that side and this side, and being aware that after living for
30 something years on that side, that I somehow wound up on this side...
well, that gives me a lot of hope. It's just hard to put it into the
right perspective and to keep it there.