Thursday, September 24, 2015

Something decidedly not-not-bad

Yesterday morning I awoke to something decidedly not-good, although I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  So I lied there... lie there, lay there... laid there?  Layed there?  How the heck do you say that, anyway?  I've always avoided describing the... act of... the act?  It's not really an act, just lying motionless, is it?  The non-act?  Anti-act?  WTF?  Why is it so difficult to describe or otherwise just talk about a state of prone, motionless. horizontal, semi-conscious BEING?

Anyway, do you see why I've always avoided describing it, even if I have to lie and say that I awoke sitting in my chair, or that I sat down and went to bed?

Screw it.

This morning I awoke to something decidedly not-good, although I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  So I sat there in bed for a while, trying to figure it out, until I finally grew tired of hearing the audio file of a humming air conditioner that I have playing on repeat every night, otherwise I can't sleep, ever.  So I got up out of my chair.

I mean, my bed.  I got up out of my bed and I went over to my laptop and I turned it off.  And that's when I noticed it!  I couldn't hear the sound of the air conditioner!  What?  No, dumb dumb, not the sound file of the air conditioner... the SOUND of the AIR CONDITIONER!  The real thing, doofus head!  The actual Air Conditioner, Conditioning The Air!  Yeesh.

Anyway.  That's what it was, the not-good feeling.  The feeling of the slightly-higher-than-normal-ambient-air-temperature that had to have been at least 73 degrees, because that's just how fragile my sleep is nowadays.  Only five degrees above 68 and my brain, which hates me by the way, just decided to arbitrarily move the whole system, from individual cells all the way up to my complete organism, beginning with the hypothalamus, up to... or is it down to?  To DefCon 1, without even consulting me about it first!  With the effect being just like and as if Kyle Reese had busted violently and right up into my slumbering noggin and screamed, "Wake the F up if you want to live!"

And well, you know, the situation really WAS almost that dire.  For all intents and purposes, a terminator might as well have actually come back in time to destroy my air conditioner, because the result was exactly the same.  My AC was on the blink.  Congrats, SkyNet, you suck, and I still hated you and never thought you were even kind of cool before you nuked my AC, when you were just a movie trope.

So. There I was, marinating in the depths of an almost just about realized state of permanent despair of an actual real and bona fide nature, according to reality.  Geez.  It was almost like the kind of disastrous thing you'd joke about because you're sure it would never ever happen in a bazillion years, but then it happens, and all of a sudden, that joke is 'too soon', and you're the A-hole for telling it.  THAT'S how bad it was!!

WTF was I yammering about, anyway? OH. THE AC.

So I sat there, really and actually sitting there, in a real chair, sitting and clicking the breaker switch over and over, hoping beyond hope for an instantaneous and effortless solution to the AC being completely dead and my compartment being completely warmly, and getting warmlier.

After several minutes of that, I had just about decided to sell myself into slavery when I noticed this wire that stuck out from inside the unit (I had that plastic front piece taken off, so I was privy to this information) which, as wires are sometimes wont to do, just kind of curled up with no obvious purpose and disappeared underneath the whole non-functioning thing of mysterious machine parts. I only describe it now because it becomes important later.  Right now, it don't mean diddly-squirt to me.  I mean, right then it didn't.

So before I even knew about that wire, I'd happened to notice that wire, and that it was pretty much submerged in this puddle of carpet water (my AC leaks copious amounts of water, making my carpet perpetually tropical in the everywhere places that I usually put my sock-clad feet when I'm in relax-in-my-swivel-chair-and-watch-a-movie mode).  Submerged in the jungle of carpet water.  Was the wire.  That's what I was saying, right?

Well, that leak kind of irritated me just a tad bit at that moment, because I have to keep all kinds of pans under the dadgum thing to catch at least some of the water that leaks out and onto the carpet.  And now the AC wasn't just leaking... it was actually Crapping Out.  It was right in the big ass middle of f'ing off to the hills, right then and there... and me, with just 4 hours of sleep and waking up to this mess, witnessing up close and personal the whole glorious clusterfuck in its stupid-ass, butt ugly entirety.  Sorry for that. It communicates how I felt at the time.

So what I did was, I grabbed hold of that wire with the intention of yanking it right the F out of whatever it was that it was in, and whaddya know.  As soon as the (frayed) end of that wire was pulled clear of the carpet puddle, that AC KLONK'D right on and started humming and blowing nice, cool, 68 degree conditioned air into my compartment.

In conclusion, what happened when then was now that I just now  described just now was so improbably awesome that nobody could have ever thought it up as fiction, until after right now, which is now then, right now.  No, I mean yes, that actually happened.  Really.  The awesomeness of it was like that scene in The Empire Strikes Back, at the end, when the Millennium Falcon was just about to be captured by Darth Vader's personal super star destroyer, when R2D2 pulled that thing out of the wall and turned it around, and the blue light came on, and the hyperdrive kicked in! That's what it was like when I pulled the wire out of the carpet jungle.

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