Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Things that piss me off when I'm walking

Things that piss me off when I'm walking on public roads/sidewalks:

Parked cars that block the sidewalk when there's plenty of room in the driveway.

Trash receptacles left in the middle of the sidewalk.

Tree trimmings heaped onto the sidewalk.

Lawn sprinklers that suddenly turn on like a pit of hissing, venom spitting vipers in the big ass middle of the big ass peace and big ass quiet of the big ass night. Right there alongside the big ass sidewalk.

When there ain't no big ass sidewalk at all.

Mirkwood spiders and their evil sidewalk-spanning lairs.

Blundering into an evil sidewalk-spanning spider lair and getting a face full of evil spider.

Trying to hold a cigarette, an umbrella, a flashlight and an e-Reader all at the same time when it's raining.

The completely out-of-the-blue, excruciating, undeserved pain of suddenly and forcefully receiving a face full of concrete.

The completely out-of-the-blue, excruciating, undeserved pain of suddenly and forcefully receiving a face full of concrete, with the added bonus of breaking a bone and/or an e-Reader/tablet/phone.

Well-intentioned drivers doing stupid and/or irritating things like...

... slowing down in the middle of a busy street to give me the right of way when I'm waiting to cross.
... stopping in the middle of a busy street to give me the right of way when I'm waiting to cross.
... slamming down on the brakes in the middle of a busy street while I'm right in the big ass middle of running the gauntlet.
... slowing all the down town traffic in the right lane so that I can cross the street, with the left lane zipping by at full speed.
... waiting at a stop sign for me to cross the street when I'm facing the other way, head down and reading an eBook/checking out the internet/writing about things that piss me off.
... using sign language to try to convince me to cross the road when I'd just rather not cross the road yet because I'm reading an eBook/checking out the internet/writing about things that piss me off, and besides, I happen to like it here.
... being cops, and 'pulling me over' at 2:00 AM because everything I'm wearing is black. Happened once.
... being cops, and 'pulling me over' because some do-gooder called me in with an outright, blatant lie that I was casing a joint/shining a light in parked cars/running and jumping around and generally acting like an escaped lunatic from Bellevue. That's happened... four times.
... being cops, and 'pulling me over just because'. Geez, that's happened more times than I can remember.

Drivers with butts for heads and asses for hats doing stupid/irritating things like...

... honking at me in the middle of the night when I'm walking on the sidewalk and there's no other traffic.
... throwing shit at me in the middle of the night, like soda cans and cups. Happens about once a year. Only at night.
... yelling things at me in the middle of the night like, "Fag!" and "Get a haircut, hippie!" and "Fuck you, asshole!" and "YEEEAAAHA HAHAHAAAA WHOOOOIEEEDOGGIES!!". Happens several times a year.
... slowly pacing me and offering unwanted and awkward sexual advances through the drivers window. Only happened once. At night, of course.
... driving really slowly past me, then turning around and pulling over to the curb fifty feet behind me and parking there with the engine running and headlights on. That actually happens repeatedly. At night.
... those same drivers who peel off like a bat out of hell when I turn around and approach them, just to have a word or two. I've only done that a few times. Last night, most recently. Allow me to elucidate.

I actually thought it was someone I knew... turns out it was a security guard for the High School on Fulton. I guess he didn't notice me turning around and approaching him after he'd stopped behind me with his brights blasting all over me... which astounds me, if that's the case. But anyway. I guess he didn't see me, because when I got close enough to see him (he had the dome light on), I could see that he was taking a good, long pull from a flask that he had tipped almost straight up. By then I'd realized he wasn't who I'd thought he was at first... that is, this security guard who's been coming into the store right before his night shift for the past three years. Naw, tweren't him...

So, I dunno what that was all about. Maybe he did see me coming after all, and he was steeling himself up for an encounter with a swig of liquid courage. That's what I'd do. So why'd he stop in the first place then, and provoke me so blatantly, yet so passive-aggressively? I dunno. Once we locked eyes though, and our truths were exposed to each other, I smiled and waved and apologized for thinking he was somebody else, and then I high tailed it. About two blocks later I looked back, and he was gone.

Ok, back to whatever... oh yeah. Only at night. Oh. And maybe nothing about that had anything to do with me at all, and I just have a big ass, giant ego. That's prolly it. But at night! A big ass ego at night!


... driving by repeatedly, shouting and cursing, thinking they wanna fight me because I CALLED! them on being a dickhead every time they drove by and shouted/threw things at me, and then getting me all tensed up and scared shitless and shaking and ready with my blinding laser, my knife, and my club after they finally stopped, only to peel away after pretending to get out. That's only happened twice. At night!

Neighborhood do-gooders who somehow think it's perfectly all right to interrogate me at 2:00 AM as to my name, address, destination, and/or reason for doing a thing at night that they wouldn't even notice, or give one and a half flash-frozen shits about during the day, like say... walking, for instance. Like they were the self-appointed frikin' Thought Police! Sorry, but that one in particular really burns me up. Happens a LOT. AT NIGHT.

People who offer me a ride at 2:00 AM and won't take 'no thanks' for an answer. Almost always those same do-gooders. I've had to walk very quickly away from this situation more than once. Night again! WTF is it with everybody wanting to fuck with me at NIGHT??? HUH

Sorry. Pardon my French. I speak French real good.

99 percent of the time though, everything is quite peaceful and enjoyable when I'm taking a stroll, even AT NIGHT. Except whenever I'm depressed and want to die... but that's only like, 2 percent of the time. So it's 97 percent of the time that things are ok, not 99 percent. Still, 97's pretty good.

Oh look, there's that nursing home. How'd I get out here again?

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