Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Whoops, my bad.

Tonight (last night actually, I'm writing about last night tonight, but I started writing it last night, when it was tonight last night so when I said tonight wallago I actually meant last night) I went to Walmart to buy some HotHands, because it's getting a little chilly at night now, and check this out... I need to keep my phone warm. That's right, it ain't for my hands. It's for my phone.

That's why I went to Walyworld, to get a phone warmer, because my phone craps out when it gets cold. Yeesh... just yeesh. So after I did that, I purposefully took the path behind the shopping center because I wanted to listen to music and sing out loud too, and I didn't want to offend/scare/kill anyone (har har... more on that later). So I did that. I took the path behind the Walymart to Bonnie Brae, and loaded up some music that I haven't listened to in years... Danzig. I loaded up Danzig, and whaddya know, I still remembered all of the words! So there I went behind the Mal-wart, singing all of those Danzig lyrics at the top of my voice. What do you think could go wrong? Take a wild guess. Whut? No guess? Ok, I'll just tell you.

So there goeth I behind the Martywaltz, and I'm singing Danzig, loudly. And fairly well, you know?  But also scarily. Frighteningly. You can't help that when you're singing Danzig though, because you know... Danzig. The whole package is like, uh... say for instance, if Elvis were to clamber up out of his grave and form a new band called 'Elvis and the Dementors'. That would sound pretty much like Danzig, I think.

So that was happening, and in the middle of it I did a quick sweep-survey of the immediate terrain, then I checked in with Echo Base, and I was just about to issue an 'all clear', when... whut the heck? There behind me was this young girl - young, as in probably in her early teens - about ten meters back and a little to the right, just a-strolling along behind me, through the construction area behind the Allfart, at 2:30 AM.

AARRGH! I went, in my mind. So I immediately curtailed my solo performance, because... well, because, you know. Little girl. Geez... but then about a geez-and-a-half later, I was suddenly possessed by an insane resolve, and I thought to myself:

'Whoever this kid is, it's allowing itself to be bombarded by my Danzig performance behind the Ballshart... I mean the Walmart, according to its own choice. Why then should I feel the compulsion to ix-nay my performance? Just because I have an accidental audience? Very well then, I shall perform!' And thusly fortified, I continued forward, wailing.

After a couple of verses worth of solid wails, I caught a glimpse with my peripheral vision of that girl running past me and making a bee line directly toward the chain link fence which separates the area that's under construction from the front parking lot. She didn't stop AT the fence as much as she was stopped BY the fence, in that she purposefully impacted it at full speed for the sole purpose of getting there as quickly as possible, at which point she immediately attempted to scurry up and over the thing to freedom and safety.

Well, dingleberries! There I'd went and done scared the living daylights out of that little girl with my Singing Demon Impersonation. After that I saw no choice except to shut right up and attempt, oh so carefully, to walk straightly forward as quickly and quietly and nonthreateningly as possible, so this I did.

Eventually my path became perpendicular to her position at the fence, and when it did, I couldn't help but to look, and when I did, I could see that... huh? She'd... why, she'd up and gone and went and did and done took off her shoes, and was scaling that chain-link fence barefoot!

One part of my brain, the detached aloof part, was thinking, 'Ah, smart girl, to remove her shoes so that the gripping characteristics of the vestigial toe appendages may be more effectively employed! This must be an ancient behaviorial mechanism passed down over the eons through the genetic lineage of our primate ancestors. Interesting how the 'fight or flight' response is, even in modern homo sapiens, still determined by basic instinct as the most effective means to expedite escape and ensure survival, thus guaranteeing the continuation of the strongest genetic heritage via natural selection.' At the same time, the other part of my brain - the horrified, self loathing part - was thinking, 'Damn, what kind of  monster in the closet under the bed am I? When did I let this... THING... happen? OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I BECOME?

So, properly horrified, I hastened to remove myself from the situation, both physically and temporally, at the maximum speed allowable utilizing my limited powers of locomotion. And do you wanna know what happened next? Do you wanna know that? DO YA?

What happened next was this. I had just about almost gotten to Bonnie Brae, when whaddya know, right out of the blue, who goes whizzing by again? Yup, that girl! She's not sprinting this time - she's speed walking, and she means business apparently, because she actually brushes me with her elbow as she whooshes by, jacket in one hand and shoes in the other! She hadn't even put her shoes back on! One second I was alone and properly chastened, and the next, WHOOSH-NUDGE-SEEYA, there she goes, arms pumping and bare feet flapping on the pavement! A quick hook to the right on Bonnie Brae, and she's gone!


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