I figured I should pass along some sage advice about what I learned so far, and how I got it learned, because it's bad karma to hog it all for myself. Here goes.
The prestigious Starfleet Academy is a real school that I actually think I went to. It offers all kinds of things. They have classes for lots of stuff, which is their main draw.
Here are some of the valuable classes I signed up for:
Counting Recycled Calories 101
Fucking with Feng Shui 101
Algebra for Assholes 101
Killing and Cooking and Killing 101
(this was an elective for Klingons only, but I never showed up for class and nobody ever even knew that I'm not a Klingon)
Quantum Theory for Preschool Retards 101
Drawing on the Right Side of Somebody Else's Brain 101
Thirteen Dimensional Alternative American History 101
And one other elective:
Bickering with Barriers - Sound, Light, Time, and Concrete 101
They give you a dot matrix printout of your degree when you're done, which is a nice perk. I'd recommend Starfleet Academy to anybody who just don't give a crap about nothin'.