Tuesday, May 3, 2016


No, see. I do know why I hate myself.

Remember when I posted that thing, 'the truth about me?' That wasn't totally true. Not because I was lying, but because I just wasn't consciously aware of it not being true at the time. It was technically the truth then, but that's like somebody believing that the sun goes around the Earth. If they said that and believed it, they weren't lying, but it still wasn't the truth.

The real reason why I hate myself isn't just because 'I don't know.' It's because I've become a thing that consistently acts in discord to its own beliefs and values. Most of what I do every day just to keep my immediate state of mind outside of the suicide hole causes harm to people. Friends, family, acquaintances, associates and strangers. I'm not gonna point to specific instances because that would cause me more shame than I want to recognize at the moment.

What stops me from fully condemning myself is this teeny thing that I'm sure of, and it's that I didn't start myself in this way. The original impetus for, not necessarily the source of, but the impetus for, me came from outside of me, I'm sure. Otherwise, it would have to be that I was born purposefully flawed, and that I'm supposed to be this thing that I hate. Naw.

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