Saturday, November 19, 2016

Glenna died.


When I heard that Glenna died, about two hours after that I told Chiy what happened and that I needed to go to Austin, even though that weren't true. I just wanted the rest of the night off and it was just easier to tell Chiy that I had to go to Austin, instead of having to explain to him that a man just wants a few hours to himself after something like this. He wouldn't have bought that.

Anyway. Just like anything else that comes out of the blue with no warning, I react at first by getting extremely pissed off, because I'm never ever prepared to deal with unexpected emotions. It's a selfish reaction.

I hate it that this happened. I hate it when shit turns bad. I hate hate hate it. A lot of that is selfish, because I hate having these emotions fucking me up, and part of the reason for that is because I don't have any control. I'll be fine one minute ago, and then suddenly this minute I can't keep it together, which especially sucks if I'm around other people, because it's an ugly thing when I break down.

Everything I've said so far is positively selfish, and I recognize that. What can I say? I have no excuse.

I can't stand the thought of dad being alone. I can't stand that thought at all, and I can't stand what it's like for dad. I don't even want to be typing any of this because it forces me to think about it. I keep saying to myself, 'grandma was ok after grandpa died'. Dad will be ok, too. I have to keep saying that over and over to myself.

Ok. That's all. I'm glad Matt and Leigh are there with Dad.

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