Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Light orange

This morning I woke up bright and early at 5:30, because sleep is stupid, I think. By 6:30 I was sure... yup, sleep is stupid. So I got up and did what any other Navy Seal would do, I went outside, barefoot and in my underwear, for a brisk ten mile sprint to squeeze the last ergs of stupid sleep sissies from my tear ducts. It's totally tough to do that and it ain't crying. Just ask any Navy Seal. Anyway, all of that is beside the point.

Morning light is totally different than evening light, by the way. Anybody ever notice that?

After about five miles of full speed sprinting (about 20 mph, usually) my stomach started to cramp. Oh God, please, no no no no no no no no no no! And I had to stop sprinting, so I walked with my arms over my tummy like a little boy.

Something about early morning sunrise light is decidedly different than late evening sunset light. Morning light seems... clearer, somehow. Brighter than evening light from the same star at ten or fifteen degrees above the horizon. Morning light seems more orange, and evening light seems more red. Is that it? Doesn't morning light seem effortless, like it's traveling through clear crystal, and evening light more laboured, like it's moving sluggishly through water? You'd think there would be no difference between them, but there is, isn't there?

After a while I got pretty dadgum cold. It was like, forty degrees this morning, and I was sweaty from my sprint and barefoot and wearing just my boxers. Boy, was I a sorry sight, shuffling along shivering and holding my tummy like my guts were about to spill out onto the pavement. Some Seal I turned out to be. After a while the God, no's morphed into please God's, which morphed into Lord have mercy's, and that's where they stayed.

I looked up the morning light and evening light thing on teh interwub, and lots of people had noticed the same thing, but nobody offered a scientific explanation describing it as a physical phenomenon.

After a while I started to get really thirsty. Oh man, how awesome orange juice would be, thought I, even though I'd probably puke it up. Oh, how I wanted some orange juice. Then I spotted an honest to goodness orange on the ground, and just like that, my cramps went away, so I ate the orange. Dayum, was that a good orange.

Post title

I just realized something important, possibly. Don't believe what you read from someone else's point of experience, ever, if what you're reading is an ideal that makes you yearn for it. It's almost always a lie, however well intentioned or self ignorant.

Believe instead in the striving for the ideal, even though it's likely never ever been manifested, ever, and that the concrete truth is that it's forever and always going to be an impossible thing to attain, probably. The person who actually does that is an admirable liar, most likely. In my opinion. Maybe.

None of this that I just shat upon this electronic page is necessarily what I think or believe, it's just a thought that shunted into my brain station because I was doing life sums in my head. Just products and quotients. Not necessarily worthless, though, maybe, I think.

I guess what I'm actually saying is that it's ok to be the essence of a good hypocrite, and that an inspirational lie isn't necessarily based on a falsehood.

Wow, doesn't all of that sound fucking pretentious? Still, that doesn't lessen the value of it. If it sounds pretentious, it's probably because you're a prideful asshole holier than thou kind of dickwad with all kinds of head fucks running around in your skull.

That's ok though, it's totally normal to be like that! You can still even have a good heart, even with all of that.


No, see. I do know why I hate myself.

Remember when I posted that thing, 'the truth about me?' That wasn't totally true. Not because I was lying, but because I just wasn't consciously aware of it not being true at the time. It was technically the truth then, but that's like somebody believing that the sun goes around the Earth. If they said that and believed it, they weren't lying, but it still wasn't the truth.

The real reason why I hate myself isn't just because 'I don't know.' It's because I've become a thing that consistently acts in discord to its own beliefs and values. Most of what I do every day just to keep my immediate state of mind outside of the suicide hole causes harm to people. Friends, family, acquaintances, associates and strangers. I'm not gonna point to specific instances because that would cause me more shame than I want to recognize at the moment.

What stops me from fully condemning myself is this teeny thing that I'm sure of, and it's that I didn't start myself in this way. The original impetus for, not necessarily the source of, but the impetus for, me came from outside of me, I'm sure. Otherwise, it would have to be that I was born purposefully flawed, and that I'm supposed to be this thing that I hate. Naw.