Tuesday, April 25, 2017


The Nonplussed

An Introduction

Are you ready to embark upon a fast and furious, laugh-a-minute adventure, filled with action and intrigue? An epic tale of good versus evil, festooned with heroic deeds of derring-do performed by the common man against withering odds? Are you ready to be literally poleaxed when you suddenly realize that it's all gonna end in tears anyway, no matter what, for everybody, even the bad guys, and how that's just the shittiest, most cynical, most realistic ending to every story that you've never read or heard, EVER?! Great! Then let me tell you about Mankind, and a planet called Earth.

Surprise! I'll bet you didn't see that coming. Heh! This story is about you.

Your story begins more or less right after the middle of, and during, the early second half and third quarter of the late 21st century, more or less. The year 2060, in other words. However, before diving face-first into the action, a little exposition might be helpful for understanding the finer points of how everything got chucked into a handbasket and tossed onto the Old Express Bus to Hell.

Ok, let's get into it.

First we gotta backtrack all the way to January of 2018, where it all began, when somebody, either accidentally or on purpose, knocked over Pakistan's bucket of fuck-its... probably India. Somebody said, 'Aw, fuck it!' and during the next twenty or so minutes a dozen 50 kiloton tactical nukes were airburst at 5000 feet directly over Mumbai, at a rate of about one per minute. I remember watching as the drama unfolded on the flatscreen behind the bar, and hearing some college yokel, fresh off the boat from East Texas and a couple of stools down from me, declaring, "Hot dayum, it's towel heads versus diaper heads, and 20 million diapers just got slaughtered like a sacred cow! Didja see that? Holy Sheee-IT!" I almost fell off of my stool, I was laughing so hard. Hilarious, yes, and extremely inappropriate... still, though. Hilarious!

New Delhi was next, and after that the towel heads - I mean the Pakistanis (heh, sorry) got THIS close to landing the entirety of their remaining nuclear arsenal, about 75 low yield tactical nukes, right onto the Ganges and into the big-ass middle of Laundry Day, which would have effectively won Pakistan the war. However, and luckily for India, those 75 nukes were accidentally intercepted by a slew of MRBM's, automatically and simultaneously launched by Dead Man Switches from both Turkey to Russia and from Russia to Turkey, and with every single one of those missiles from both sides just happening to slam at the same exact instant right into those 75 Pakistani SRBM's aimed directly at 850,000,000 Indians doing their laundry in the Ganges. The resulting nuclear clusterfuck that day was definitely the awesomest thing that has EVER happened about a hundred miles above somewhere in Eastern Europe or Russia or possibly the Middle East, or maybe India. Nobody really knows anymore.

You can probably guess most of what happened next, as a bevy of high ranking Indian middle fingers all punched down onto a corresponding bevy of Big Red Buttons labeled 'Fuck Pakistan!', and before anybody knew what the heck was happening, a backyard nuclear brawl had expanded into an international nuclear skirmish, as North and South Korea and parts of the Middle East all called dibs on the batters box at the same time. It only took four days, starting with Mumbai, until New Delhi, Karachi, Islamabad, Mecca, Cairo, Damascus, Tehran, Baghdad, Pyongyang, Seoul, Tel Aviv and Jerusalem were all just a bunch of radioactive, crater shaped mirrors smoking in the desert.

At this point you might be wondering what the West had to say about all of this nuclear bullying that'd been going on in the Middle East for the past several days. It was immediately downplayed as 'just a little nuclear dodge ball' by the right wing media... because those Turkish MRBM's that wound up saving 850 million Indians instead of killing a corresponding number of Russians were NATO missiles. What a scandal... LOL.

And so the entire event is generally remembered today as just the Falkland Islands Part 2, but with nukes, and in the desert Instead, and minus the British. Calling it that was an obvious cover up in 2020, even to the common retard... but forty years later, hardly anyone except for me actually believes that the sequel to the Holocaust that killed another six million Jews plus or minus a few million Muslims back in 2018 really happened. And the saddest thing is, nobody today misses or knows about or even gives a shit at all about any of those Jews and/or Muslims, or if they ever even existed or were wiped from existence at all.

Here's an interesting side note... All of this is straight from a history book, by the way. It was immediately following the nuclear skirmish of 2018 that the United States declared absolute victory over The War on Terror, after confirming that Mecca had been vaporized, along with a shit ton of Muslims. It's too bad that almost all of the actual, bona-fide hippies were either dead or incontinent by that time, because what followed was their long sought after No Nukes War on Nukes. It was this twist of fate that probably saved the entire planet from being engulfed in a full blown, worldwide nuclear holocaust, because... and here's the irony. It's long been established that when the United States wages war on something, that it absolutely does not go to war on that thing, but instead just spends trillions of dollars to make it look like it it did. So it was that in 2019 the United States initiated a new nuclear deterrent strategy, touted as 'The New Nuclear Deterent, for a New, Clear, Nuclear Age!'  The defense budget was immediately quintupled and spent on fast tracking the development, production and immediate dismantling of 50,000 brand new, 500 megaton thermo-quantum PlanetBuster bombs, which really, really pissed off the state of Georgia when the other 49 States just kind of chucked the bill for all of it onto Atlanta's doorstep at 2:00 AM that Sunday morning.

But there's good news! As it turns out, the whole global warming thing was just a practical joke cooked up by Al Franken as an SNL skit that kinda got outta hand, so the liberals just ran with it. What a relief!

Here's the bad news, though... I mean, the other bad news. Kim Kan Kook, the latest cult of personality fad in North Korea, was totally serious when he ordered a nuclear sneak attack upon Antarctica to take out the Anti-Santa Clause, once and for good. Of course the West Antarctic Ice Sheet collapsed immediately, resulting in a three meter rise in sea levels everywhere. Many coastal cities around the United States were flooded, such as New York City, New Orleans, Seattle, Houston, Miami, Hong Kong, Shanghai, Rio, Greece, Plymouth Rock, and Mobile Alabama... etc.

The liberals referred to the following nuclear cold snap as 'The Big Ass Winter Of Your Discontent', referring to the GOP, of course. In response, the GOP merely laughed it off as 'just a wimpy ice age'. When the clouds finally broke in 2025 for the first time in almost seven years, survivors of planet Earth unanimously voted that the almost extinction level event would henceforth be referred to as 'The Almost Only Counts in Horseshoes and Global Thermonuclear Wars Ice Age' event, and so it's been recorded in this history book ever since. The GOP ran with that, touting it as the final nail in the coffin against the liberal scare tactic of global warming.

However, it was the liberals who had the last laugh when, in 2040, almost 750,000,000 people around the world died of skin cancer simultaneously. That was when it was discovered that the average 22 year gestation period of a skin cancer directly correlated with the decimation of a good portion of the ozone layer almost exactly 22 years previously, and right around the time of the Falkland Islands skirmish of 2018. The entire world immediately lumped the blame on Britain and Venezuela of course, and that's why those two countries simultaneously ceased to exist in 2041. Don't question it... just accept it, ok? It's people on planet Earth that we're talking about here.

Fast forward to 2050. Since thethe massive influx of ultraviolet rays that the ozone layer totally used to have a handle on... until the GOP murdered it, according to the Dems. Nobody understands the logic of those politics anymore by the way, and nobody really cares. Politics signed a 10 billion year contract with the Liberal Media and Fox News back in 2016, and it's been the Prime Time Reality Show ever since, and number one in its time slot now for almost 50 years running.

Now it's 2060, and after all of THAT, the whole world is just sick and tired of camping out under a tent like a bunch of cub scouts. Enter the new weapon for the new War on Antarctica - the brand spanking new 6 trillion dollar Two Dog Night Light, and the absolute last fucking straw for Georgia.

That's a good place to start, huh? Let's begin our story there, in pissed off rural Georgia, on February the somethingth or another, 2060.

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