Saturday, July 28, 2012

Same old shmame old

I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, and what God wants me to do with it. I know now that God put Leah into my life for the main purpose of leading me to Orthodoxy, and that we were never meant to be together - although I still hope, like a fool and against all reasoning, that things might change in the future. But she's living at a monastery now as a novitiate, and she's on her way to becoming a monastic, unless she changes her mind.   I should be happy for her.  And I am happy for her... but I'm sad for me too, and that makes this lingering issue concerning my feelings for her just utterly selfish

But things are different this time than they have been in the past, in similar situations.  It's been almost two and a half years since I lost her, and although the immediate incapacitating pain of a brand new broken heart has pretty much faded completely, my feelings haven't diminished for her at all. They've gotten stronger, if anything, and that lends itself to a different kind of pain. A dull pain which never changes and is always there, lingering permanently in the background of my thoughts and emotions; affecting everything I do or think or say in a miniscule way, and as a result I exist in a perpetual shadow of sadness.  I wish these feelings would just fade away, like they're supposed to, so I could feel normal again. I haven't felt normal since the fall of 2008.  I wonder what God's will is, that I should continue to feel this way with no relief.  The only thing I can think of is there's a lesson here that I haven't learned yet, because usually after two years I'm well on my way to being over a broken heart... and that ain't the case this time.  It always has been before, but not this time.

I hate to keep harping on and on about this.  It's getting old.  I feel embarrassed that this is still an issue for me, but I don't have any control over it.  I can't reprogram my emotions... or maybe I just don't know how.  The only thing I can do is write about it now and then.  As an outlet it I hope that it helps somewhat.  I dunno if it does, but it feels like I'm getting some of it out of me when I write about it.

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