Yeah, I'm suicidal. I think about how I might be able to kill myself every day. I put myself to sleep at night imaging a gun going off in my mouth, like a lullaby. I spend about 10-20% of my awake time thinking about death. I'm totally, definitely suicidal. I guess I'm lucky though, because I'm way to afraid to ever, you know. Off myself. The closest I ever came was writing a suicide note that I never delivered, back in 2007. I read it back to myself and realized I was cracking jokes, like... 'I shot myself in the heart so I'd leave a beautiful corpse for an open casket funeral.' I laughed myself out of delivering it, that time.
I don't think I'd ever be able to ix-nay myself if anybody was still around to bear the grief. How selfish could I be? Not that selfish, I hope.
I'm absent from church for a long while now. I think, church never made me happy or solved my problems. I'm miserable at church, and I'm miserable away from church. I know... but I have very little strength of will to ensure those things which aren't imposed on me forcefully, out of immediate necessity. I haven't chosen to live a life which = suffering + church. I know what's right and I know what's wrong, I just don't have the will or the stamina or the strength or the love for myself that is necessary for my to save myself. I want God to grab me in His Fist and squeeeeeze me, forcibly, into the right shape. I've been praying for that for almost ten years, and I don't think it's gonna happen.
I don't know what to do, because any action I take right now will be wrong, because I'll resent the action eventually, because I'm broken and can't act in a right, necessary manner and then understand my actions, if actually were to act.
Yeah, I'm suicidal... but I've always believed that I'd never kill myself simply because I want to. That hasn't changed. I don't think it'll change, I hope not. Nah, I'd never actually do it, not while people still know me and would cry if I were gone. How could I do that... not to me, but to them? I couldn't.