What happened?

Life got better once before.  Once, when I thought it was over and there wasn't anything more except for the wait, it surprised me and exploded and knocked the end way over the horizon, beyond view.  That was so weird.  And so unexpected.  But what the fuck is happening now?  I guess it's the same thing, or a similar thing, as what was happening before.  Right now, it seems like there isn't anything in the future, except for a slow decline into a continuous painful event, which gets deeper and deeper, until the pain becomes fatal.  I can't kill myself.  I just flat out can't do that.  What would that be like though?  Thinking about it makes my head hurt.  It's almost worse this time, because before, I had no idea that life was going to pick me up and turn me around.  Now that I have the memory of that happening, I can't just live inside of an ignorant despair.  Now I gotta keep thinking, all the time, what if it gets better again?  That's even worse than being completely hopeless.  It's a continuous 'what if what if what if what if', all the time.  It's like staying awake on Christmas Eve, and being so hopeful and anticipating something wonderful, except that there isn't any reason for being hopeful that anything wonderful will ever happen.  How can I sit here and say to myself, 'Ash, remember last time, how it was so hopeless, and you'd accepted it and didn't give a shit, but then life exploded in your face like a nuclear magnolia blossom?  Remember that?  Will that happen again? 
WTF was that all about the first time?  It's like... it's like it sucks.  That's what its like.  What happened?  I must have missed the part where everything went to hell in a handbasket.  I didn't wanna go there.  No wonder I missed it.