Dearest David

Wednesday
May 24th, 2017
12:45 AM
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Dearest David...

Wulp, I guess you've fucked off for good, and I'm not a bit sorry to see you go, you slimy two-faced bastard.

Here's a fun fact:

Every time anyone ever talked disparagingly about you in front of me, do you know what I would always say? Here's what I always said, and I quote myself:

"Yeah, I can see where you're coming from, but I like David." - Ash

That's what I always said, and it was true, because despite everything I really did like you. It was hard NOT to like you. Sharing your lottery wins with me, working a double shift when I was sleep deprived so that I wouldn't have to work ANOTHER one, giving me neurontins, counting my drawer and taking out the cardboard boxes and even offering to work the entire shift by yourself because I was in so much pain... you actually had me feeling genuine gratitude toward you on multiple occasions. To think that there was this evil side to you!

I never would have suspected that the real reason you wanted truck nights was simply because you didn't want to work with me. I mean, that never even would have crossed my mind! What a surprise it was, to learn that.

I was also completely flabbergasted to understand that you could actually think that I'm faking this back pain. You fucker, I hope you catch a good dose of sciatica one day so that you can personally experience how excruciating it is.

Oh, and this next one was a bona-fide sucker punch... that you would suggest something so underhanded, so despicable, so downright sinister as a group conspiracy in the form of anonymous, slanderous letters to corporate in order to have me fired. Insidious! Anonymous letters consisting of what, by the way? You mean how I always gave you the benefit of the doubt after enduring every one of your tantrums? How I continually strove, again and again, to expand my tolerance of your... uh, ways... into a genuine sense of likability? Oh, wait. Was it the nerve, the audacity, the unmitigated GALL I demonstrated that one time when I apologized to you - that you refused to accept - and after which you proceeded to throw that grand mal tantrum? Or was it the time that you threw that neck-vein popping tantrum because I wouldn't submit to your opinion regarding abortion? Or were you just planning to make up a bunch of lies? Or...

Oh. Yeah, of course.

It was that one, single time that I pulled rank on you by telling you not to sell tobacco to that dude after I'd already refused to sell it to him and then you threw that capillary-shattering tantrum, wasn't it? That was it, right? Yeah, that was it, I'm sure of it. That's exactly the kind of mortal offense that your ginormous ego would have no choice but to judge as Unforgivable - being forced to occupy a subordinate role to my position of seniority. I guess the only appropriate response to such an egregious offense (including whatever other infantile grudges you might be nursing) - according to your warped little mind - is revenge, pure and evil.

There are a lot of ways to describe a coward who presents a benign facade to someone, while at the same time contriving to plan a sneak attack from a safe distance:

Scum
Bottom feeder
Sleazy
Rotten
Lowlife
Reptilian
The bad guy
The villain...
In other words, one evil sonofabitch.

I wonder how well liked you'd be if everyone knew what a shit-talking, back-stabbing, petty-minded, conniving little snake you are.

Here's another thing... you weren't the second shift supervisor, by the way. Ever. Maybe you never understood what I'm about to tell you because I never lorded it over you, but I'm the second shift supervisor. Surprise! That's the title that Chiy gave me when he hired me seven years ago. Not that it really means all that much to anyone except you. So riddle me this - if you really were the second shift supervisor, and not just under that impression, then how could you have just up and fucked off from your job like you did after agreeing to see out the month? Huh? Riddle me that!

Here's a tidbit of wisdom for future reference... supervisors are expected to handle a difficult situation maturely and professionally, and not by throwing a tantrum like a little girl.

Now, with all of that having been said...

You've got a lot of good qualities, David. You're friendly, hard working, responsible, generous, and (mostly) reliable. However, at the same time you suck a big fat slimy green donkey dick, which pretty much takes a steaming Jolly Green Giant shit all over your good qualities and makes them worthless. I hope for your sake that someday you can get a handle on that, the giant green, donkey sucking, shit dicking thing, because if you ever did...

Well! Then you might actually qualify as a genuinely good person, instead of just coming off as one.

- Ash
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p.s. If you care anything at all about NOT being a giant douche bag, then you should take everything I've just said to heart. All of it is nothing less than the truth.

p.p.s. Oh, and about me being lazy... if that's what you really believe, then fuck you.

p.p.p.s. Good luck.