Shootout at Dumbshit Gulch!

"Howdy, pardners!"

"The name's Terd Bergleson, but most folks jist call me Old Stinky. Dunno how come, and I cain't larn the which-a-why of it to ya when I ain't never larnt it fer myself, so it aint no good askin' me."

"What I can larn ya," said Terd, "If'n ya got some time to chew the fat with an olden broken down fart like me, is the sad story of Big Drake McDork and Prance Goofus, the two most afear'd bounty hunters this side of the west side of the Pecos, and how they done gone and met their untimely ends."

"So gather round and grab yer some wood, 'cause what I'm a'fixin to tell yer is the saddest yarn I ever done spunt!"
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It were intolerable hot and dry on the day when Big Drake McDork and Prance Goofus finally went full on fisticuffs with the Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers at Dumbshit Gulch.

Terd Bergleson interrupted to supply some essential narration:

"Dumbshit Gulch were a place of local legend," Terd mentioned. "It sure ain't wrote down on no map, and if'n yer was to look fer it, closest you'd come to it is Bum-Fucked Egypt, accordin' to the yokels. But that's where this'n here story gits started, and also where it winds up in tragerdy."

Big Drake McDork and Prance Goofus, the two most afear'd bounty hunters this side of the narrow side of the north side of the Pecos, clambered up the gulch and stood, tall and proud, on the flat side of the gulch proper. They was both a-sweatin like stuck pigs, and with a purpose - to finally put an end to the Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers, the most afear'd coteri of ex-nus and hookers ever there was, that side of the other side of the long side of the Pecos.

Big Drake took a long gander.

"Well, here we are, Prance," he said. "We finally done made it... it's Dumbshit Gulch. This'n here's the spot where we's finally gonna put paid to those Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers!"

Prance turned his big dumb head hither and yon, mouth agape and eyes bulging with dumbshit ignarnce.

"Big Drake, what's a gulch?" Prance whoosper'd.

"Well, Prance," Big Drake replied with some irritation, "a gulch is the sound a feller makes when he croaks way out in the desert like this'n here where we's at right now, so obviously a gulch is a place where yer go to die, ya dumbshit."

Prance stared at Big Drake fer a spell, and finally a slow unnerstandin' crawled across his big stupid face.

"Ooooh...!" Prance crowed. "You mean they's gonna die though, right? The Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers? Not us, huh? Not us, right? Right, Big Drake? Not us, huh? Huh?"

Big Drake popped Prance a good'n with the back side of his hand, right upside the kisser.

"Shut the fuck up Prance, before you get us kilt!" growled Big Drake.

Prance stared at the ground like he was a-prospectin' somethin' forever beyond his ken, like algebry homework.

"Oh, sorry, Big Drake," Prance mumbled like an idgit. "I'm stoopid."

"Yeah, and you're also a faggot," Big Drake muttered sideways outta his mouth. "Now listen here... there's the Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers, I can see one of em now! We need to find some place to hide, so's we kin ambush em!"

Prance cast about like a rabbit, all panicked-like. "But Big Drake, there ain't nothin' around which whence for us ta hide bee-hind! The closest bush is a half mile yonder!"

Big Drake thwocked Prance upside the back of his noggin. "Shut up, ya fuckin fairy. I can see that! Just keep yer pie hole closed, and foller my lead."

Prance proceeded to a-jumpin' up and down like a young'n on his first coon hunt. "Yeah!" he whoosper'd.

"Now jist stand real still..."

Prance quit his jumpin' right quick and in a hurry. "I'm standin Big Drake, I'm standin!"

"Good. Now, steady... steady... here they come, from all sides."

"I see em Big Drake, I see em!" hollered Prance.

"Shut the fuck up, you roont headed feeb! They'll hear ya! Now... careful, they cain't see us unless we move."

Suddenly...

BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!

Terd resumed his narration.

"Against all odds, the Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers done got the drop on Big Drake McDork and Prance Goofus! Our heroes is mortal wounded, and in a bad way!"

Prance looked down at his belly. His innards was all slung out and hangin' from his gut like an octerpus. He tried to shove 'em back in, but they was all slimy in his hands and he kept steppin' on 'em and trippin'. Finally he fell over on his back and stared up at the sky, his big dumb face just a-light with horror.

"Big Drake, I'm shot!" he caterwauled.

Big Drake thundered, "I'm the one that's shot, you fuckin' homo!"

Prance cocked his head to the side and seen Big Drake a-lying there, with half his head blowed clean off.

"I think we's both shot!" hollered Prance. Big Drake stuck his finger into his noggin and dug out a .45 slug, along with a sizable fair chunk of brains. He chucked the brains at Prance.

"Goddammit, Prance!" he croaked.

"I'm sorry, Big Drake! I'm sorry!"

The last thing they both heard was the Apple Dumpling Cocksuckers laughing their silly asses off. And then...

GULCH!

The End.