Bitching about that movie, Frozen.

WARNING!

LOTS AND LOTS OF BITCHING ABOUT THAT MOVIE, FROZEN.

You know that movie, Frozen? I have several problems with that movie... that is, besides that big fat Swedish meatball who runs the Wandering Oaken trading post being such a greedy, two faced prick (I've already gone on and on at arms length about that). And what the heck is a wandering oaken, anyway? That just makes zero sense for the name of a trading post that's permanently attached to the side of a mountain.

Don't get me wrong. It may seem like I'm hating on Frozen, but I'm not, really. In fact, I'm pretty much hopelessly in love with that movie. I've watched it exactly thirteen-and-a-half-dozen-and-a-half times, not counting the eleventy-seven-and-sixteen-fifteenths times that I've left it playing in the background on my days off to keep me company so that I don't die of chronic aloneness. I just have a bunch of nitpicks with it, that's all. Like I do with everything I love.

Ok, onward with the nitpicking!

Firstly, what's the story with that Christoph kid? Is he an apprentice ice miner? Does he have parents? Is he an orphan? Is he homeless? Is he just a nosy brat who follows you around, always asking questions and irritating the heck out of everybody? The ice miners sure don't seem to give a crap about him. I mean, here's this little boy, scampering around among hardened ice miners who are constantly singing about what a dangerous job ice mining is, and nobody says anything about the little kid. Weird!

Speaking of little kids... way back when, before Elsa grew up and became a neurotic bitch, she and Anna used to have fun playing with her snow powers inside the castle. Remember when they were playing, and Elsa was magickng those piles of snow, each one taller than the previous one, to catch Anna as she jumped from one to the other while screaming "Catch me!"? You could just see it coming, the fact that Elsa was only a couple of catch me's away from screwing up royally (no pun intended). My question is, why didn't Elsa just start poofing up some smaller snow mounds for Anna to jump onto? Why did she keep making them BIGGER and BIGGER? That was just dumb, Elsa.

So then Elsa slips on HER OWN ICE (come on, really?) and hits Anna right in the forehead with an ice dart! If she'd just started making smaller snow mounds, that never would have happened... anyway. King and queen anonymous freak out, and after thumbing through a book which shows an illustration of a positively evil looking troll waving it's hands and magicking over a royally garbed figure laid out prone and helpless on a stone slab like the Aztecs would put you on before ripping out your still beating heart, the king decides that these nightmare creatures are the only hope for his daughter. So, he gathers up the entire fam and makes for Troll Country, post haste.

What's the real deal with those things, really? Those rock trolls? They're definitely not carbon based life forms. Their organic chemistry is most likely based on long chain silicon molecules, what with them being basically a coven of walking, talking rocks. I won't go into the details as to why, but you can trust me when I tell you that silicon based life forms would have a much tougher time trying to stick it in an earth-like environment than carbon based life forms. In fact, silicon life would get along MUCH better in a far colder environment. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Hey, I ain't pointing fingers, I'm just sayin'. Food for thought.

Pretty much right off the bat it's established that these stone trolls are the 'good guys', for curing Anna. That elder troll sure went out of his way to scare the shit out of Elsa though, didn't he? Do you think the elder troll considered the possible consequences of showing little girl Elsa that vision in the sky of her own blood red powers attacking from every direction and stabbing her into oblivion? Didn't scaring the crap out of her like that just wind up making things worse, in the long run? It pretty much guaranteed that Elsa would constantly be scared shitless of her own nature all the time during her formative years. That's a recipe for an evil ice queen if I ever saw one. Kinda makes you wonder about those trolls, huh? Hey, just sayin'!

Ok, let's give the trolls the benefit of the doubt for a second. Maybe that's how trolls raise their little troll kids, by scaring the shit out of them, and it's perfectly normal for them. Maybe it was a well intended but tragic blunder between two alien life forms attempting to communicate with each other. Maybe rock trolls are just stupid... like, a bag of rocks stupid, and they thought that Elsa was just another rock to be yelled at. Maybe. Right? But if rock trolls are just a pack of idiots with good intentions, then why exactly did the troll elder throw in that memory wipe for Anna? Huh? Riddle me that. The king seemed to think it was 'for the best', but all it did was confuse the hell out of a little girl, leaving her with no idea as to why her big sister, who used to be 'her best buddy', suddenly just up and started hating her. Think about it. The entire situation is just completely ef'd up. It's no wonder that one of those little girls grew up to be a paranoid, cast iron bitch, and the other one so desperate for love, any kind of love, that she'd understand the meaning of true love to be simply a furtive glance in her direction. See what I'm saying about those dirty silicon based life forms? That's some seriously devious future planning of the unstupid variety, you know. Those stone trolls are pretty damn shady, if you ask me.

Oh, no wait! Don't forget about that one troll who basically kidnaps Christoph when he's just a five year old kid. "I'm gonna keep you," says the troll woman to the little boy and his moose puppy. WTF, man? Even if Christoph was an orphan, that troll couldn't have known that. Creepy! Am I right?

Ok, enough with the trolls for now.

Here's a perplexing conundrum. Why don't Elsa's hands freeze her gloves when she's wearing them? Everything else she touches freezes pretty much instantly, so why don't her gloves freeze too? Those manacles they clapped onto her hands sure froze though, didn't they? SO WHY DON'T HER GLOVES FREEZE? Could the reason be that the whole touchy-freezy thing is all in her head? A neurotic condition, stemming from a traumatic childhood experience? Manipulated by those dirty, filthy trolls, that is?

Oh boy. This next nitpick is a doozy. It really is the only completely unforgivable nitpick that I have. Why is it unforgivable? Because it's not a plot hole, or a character flaw, or anything like that. NO! This is simply sloppy song writing. Stupid sloppy song writing. Stupid sloppy song writing that borders on obscene ignorance, which borders on obscene arrogance. Allow me to elucidate.

You know that part where Queen Elsa just fucks right off to the hills after her disastrous coming out party? Remember how she finally embraces her womanhood and transforms from a stupid fraidy cat little girl into this sexy, sexy ice queen? And how she conjured this totally awesome palace made out of ice onto the most coldest top part of the North Mountain? And how she lyrically referred to a snowflake as a fractal? Remember that? Remember how STUPID that was? Didn't you just wanna reach out into the ether and slap the shit out of whoever it was who wrote that part of the lyrics? I'm talking about the 'Let It Go' song. You know -

'Frozen fractals all around'

- that part. I'm terribly, grievously sorry, but there's just no possible way, without invoking a couple of generations of math wizards into the storyline, that Queen Elsa would have been even remotely aware of the fractal nature of a snowflakes structure. Hell, the basic concept of a fractal would have been completely lost to her primitive, medieval brain! It's simply unforgivably sloppy on the part of the writer who came up with that stupid, stupid lyric. Shame on you, whoever you are, you lazy lazy song writer who made that fractal crap into impossible song lyrics!

Some more nitpicks.

Why does Christophs animal powered sled explode when it crashes, and why does Sven the Moose act like a retarded dog all the time? And why does Elsa, who is supposedly all about protecting Anna, magick an evil snow monster into existence that totally wants to kill her? Oh yeah, and Elsa does this monster magick immediately after shooting a poison ice dart directly into Anna's heart. WHY? I've tried to justify Elsa's constant, seemingly unintentional abuse of her sister, and I can only think of one reason that really works. Elsa is just a stupid, stupid girl. Not a bad girl... just stupid.

Now back to those filthy, dirty trolls. No, I ain't done with them yet.

Those stone trolls sure sing a good story about love, while simultaneously trying their damndest to force Christoph and Anna into getting married. Hell, they try even harder after learning that Anna is already engaged to someone else! Plus, there's that little troll kid who says, "and by the way, I don't see no ring." That kid is just obnoxious! Who taught that little shit that it's ok to steal another man's woman, just because she's not wearing an engagement ring? Huh? Maybe she took it off to do the dishes! Maybe she wears it on a chain like a necklace! Maybe she lost it, and desperately hopes to find it again! Maybe he just hasn't given it to her yet! Oh, man, that pisses me off when somebody actively tries to steal another guy's girl away from him, and uses that lack of a visible ring thing as justification. That makes me wanna be violent!

Anyway, what was I talking about... Oh yeah, those little troll bastards. So, do you really think that any of those petrified horse apples really gives one flip about true love, based on what we know about them now? I don't think so. They just want to marry off Christoph to a princess as quickly as possible, in order to gain some political power. See? They're bastards. I'm not pointing fingers! I'm just sayin'. Those trolls are a pack of genuine, bona-fide bastards.

Ok, just a couple more...

So, if all Anna needs is an act of true love to thaw her frozen heart, then she should have been cured the moment Olaf began to melt after building a fire for her, and then refusing to leave her side. Because if that ain't true love, then I don't know what is. Plus, Olaf flat out tells Anna that he loves her when they all first arrive at the troll clearing.

ALSO... It's clearly spelled Weselton, but everybody calls it weasel town anyway. No wonder the ambassador of Weselton is such a bitter old man.

Whew! I'm glad all that's off my chest.