Four days ago today, the United Capracratic Ochlocracy of the Kakistocratic Union of Fascist Despots, Inc. launched a space canoe carrying a 300 bps heavy duty fax machine from their launch complex at the bottom of the Marianas Trench with a seven league bungee cord, and a new age was ushered in a few minutes ago as the first high speed according to snails internet portal was finally delivered to a remote asteroid located in the butthole of the Kuiper Belt.
Here underneath the Western Antarctic Ice Sheet internet technology is still in its infancy, thanks to Kim Jong Un spending his entire nuclear arsenal all at once in an attempt to destroy Santa Claus. Dennis Rodman was assassinated for providing faulty intelligence, which is hilarious. Unfortunately, the hilarity ends here.
Thanks to that debacle, accessing the internet here in our underlava bunkers depends greatly on the persistent functionality of a single state of the art EMP hardened 486DX^3 server hailing from the glory days of the double-oughts. That is, before the great Aztec vs. Inuit Wars of 1993.
The local population of Aztecs here at the bottom of the North Pole are the proud, possible descendants of their fathers who lost an entire war to Eskimos. They are haughty, and as a result, they resent the millennia old Inuit tradition of passing punishment unto the seventh son of the seventh son of every single convicted Aztec war criminal. To native Aztecs, such a law is an unholy abomination, and as a result, they are haughty, and righteously so.
Therefore, these last remaining Aztecs are forced against their will to refurbish their enormous war debt to the Inuit... debts incurred during a war which, ironically, was fought for the control of a still nonexistent West Pole.
A massive stratagem was devised to relocate the entire surviving Aztec population to Atlantis in order to work off their war debt as IT technicians. It was a dire undertaking. Many Aztecs were lost to their tempers, and almost no one was doing any IT at all. The history books refer to this time as 'troublesome', a word which many modern day Aztecs and Inuits alike agree makes not one damn bit of sense. What is it, a compound nounjectiverb?? It's fucking retarded!
Walks Carefully On Eggshells Like A Bear, an ancient Navajo philosopher hailing from the centuries immediately preceding the Aztec-Inuit wars of 1993, attempted to resolve the troublesome conundrum. What follows is a transcription of the single surviving page from a spiral notebook attributed to that great philosopher, translated from Navajo, to Aztec, to Inuit, and finally to Pidgin:
"Once I'd gotten the shape right, I tried to calculate an exact volume of troublesome, but super-calculus just wasn't super enough for number crunching of that magnitude. Therefore I had no choice but to invent 3-D paper, along with a brand new method for expressing numerals and variables in 3-D, which precipitated the inventing of the Zencil, which is basically a ball of pencil encased in a spherical graphite shell. By the way, cursive script looks amazing when it's written in every possible direction at the same time. I can't believe they're phasing that out of elementary school. Anyway, all of that was just so I'd have the right symbology for hyper-calculus, which I invented next. Not to brag or anything, but hyper-calculus beats the shit out of super-calculus, all the way back to the Nth dimension. So then I of course hyper-calculated the shit out of that troublesome weird word thing or whatever it is, with the resulting solution manifesting in mid-air as a mathematical singularity, which instantly evaporated in a blinding burst of virtual particle pairs, leaving behind a sparkling after-image of the result suspended in front of me, and slowly rotating...
*** 160 FEET OF BAMBOO, + OR - A FEW FEET ***
*** END OF LINE ***
...until it finally dissipated quietly."
Therefore it was a miracle when about five minutes ago as I was doing some last ditch research for this article, I happened upon an ancient BBS server dating back to the Aztec-Inuit Wars of 1993 which was, amazingly, still online, and hosting several top secret R&D message threads between the Coordinated Information Apparatchik and the Advanced Weapons Division of the Aztec War Ministry, detailing recent (at the time) technological breakthroughs in the field of advanced heat application for the purpose of bamboo weaponization. Imagine my bumblefucked surprise upon realizing that it was exactly this failure of research and development which prompted the coinage of the word 'troublesome'!
I'm finished. Now I just gotta fax this turd out to the butthole of the Oort cloud and I can finally blow my brain in.
AND A SPECIAL MESSAGE TO MY EMPLOYER, OMNI MAGAZINE ONLINE -
I QUIT!
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