The seven DefCon levels of customer service
Customer: Camel Crush.
Clerk: K.
Description: Customer wants a pack of Camel Crush.
Difficulty: Nonexistent.
Observation: The most basic level of interaction. Efficiently bypasses any pretext of social dilly dallying.
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DefCon 6
Customer: Hey.
Clerk: Hey.
Customer: Pack of Camel Crush.
Description: Simple acknowledgment of existence and item procurement.
Difficulty: Simple and easy. Almost no thinking involved.
Observation: The bare minimum of social pleasantries are observed.
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DefCon 5
Customer: Hello.
Clerk: Hello.
Customer: Pack of Camel Crush.
Description: Basic social formalities are introduced.
Difficulty: Still simple and easy, but the vague threat of further interaction beyond the basic 'money for smokes' concept lingers.
Observation: Saying 'hello' forces customer interaction onto a basic personal level. The likelihood of eye contact throws body language into the equation, increasing the possibility that more words will have to be thought up and said, which could lead to further complications.
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DefCon 4
Customer: How's it going?
Clerk: Pretty good.
Customer: Pack of Camel Crush.
Description: The next level of basic social interaction - a query for information, necessitating an appropriate response, in addition to procuring a pack of Camel Crush.
Difficulty: Simplicity is sacrificed for social niceties, introducing the possibility of even more complex social interaction.
Observation: Although a step up in complexity from the simple acknowledgment, this exchange occurs almost automatically, with both parties usually aware at an unconscious level that the customer has no real interest in how things are actually going for the clerk.
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DefCon 3
Customer: How ya doing?
Me: Well, I've got a pinched nerve in my back -
Customer: Pack of Camel Crush.
Description: Comparable to 'how's it going' but without the feigned sincerity.
Difficulty: Possibly tiring. Although this exchange is still largely automatic, it is more personal. The probability of a simple exchange decreases with the possibile involvement of the ego.
Observation: When attempting to answer the question of 'how ya doing' with anything other than the stock reply of 'good' or 'ok', the clerk may suffer embarrassment or become pissed off when the customer cuts him off in mid-answer. It's important to note here that the only thing the customer really gives a flying horses patoot about is getting that pack of Camel Crush from point A to point B.
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DefCon 2
Customer: Hey man. What's up? How's it going? Say, do you think I could... you know... or do you think you could, I mean, you know... payroll* a couple of beers and a couple of packs of Camel Crush? And I can get you back on Friday? *payroll - instead of paying for an item immediately, the cost of a purchased item is deducted from the clerks paycheck
Clerk: Aw crap...
Description: A blitzkrieg of social pleasantries, inquiries, and special requests forces thinking and talking into primary mode.
Difficulty: Exhausting.
Observation: This happens when the clerk is either too damn nice or too damn stupid. It usually begins by letting one guy slide for a pack of cigarettes and then another, leading to a snowball effect which results in a severely diminished paycheck.
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DerfCon 1
Customer: How ya doin'?
Clerk: Well, my back -
Customer: Pack of Camel Crush.
Clerk: (sigh)
Customer: Oh, hang on...
Customer: ... and this 4-Loko.
Clerk: Got your ID?
Customer: What?
Clerk: I need a current one, not just this temporary piece of paper.
Customer: I got this from the DMV.
Clerk: Do you have the expired plastic one to go with it?
Customer: No.
Clerk: I'm sorry man, but I can't sell you the 4-Loko.
Customer: Well hell, why do they give you the temporary one then?
Clerk: I dunno.
Customer: Can she buy it?
Clerk: No, you guys came in together. She'd obviously be buying it for you, and that's illegal.
Customer: What if we left and then she came in by herself?
Clerk: Uh... no.
Customer: Why not? She's got her ID!
Clerk: Because I'm not that stupid.
Customer: What the FUCK, dude! I'm 21!
Clerk: You do understand that I can't take your word on that, right? That's why ID's are a thing.
Customer: But this IS my ID! I got the fucking thing from the DMV! See there? See my birthday? I'm 21!
Clerk: I understand that you're upset, and that being upset can make you stupid, and that a couple of days from now you'll probably look back on this and have yourself a good chuckle.
Customer: Fuck you man, you can't talk to me like that! I wanna talk to your manager!
Clerk: He doesn't have time for bullshit like this.
Customer: FUCK YOU, MAN!
Clerk: Could you get out of the way? You're holding up the line.
Customer: I'm gonna kick your ass tonight, just right as soon as you walk out that door! I'm gonna be waiting!
Clerk: Whatev.
Customer: ASSHOOOOOOOOLE.....
Description: Things fall apart, the center does not hold. The World War Three of customer interaction.
Difficulty: Yeesh.
Observation: Fuck it.
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